


The Bitterness of Iced Coffee

by Butchyart



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bisexual Character, Canon Compliant, Cliche, Crushes, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Gay Panic, Getting Together, Goshiki has a sister, I'm Bad At Tagging, Iced Coffee, Kind of Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-binary character, Self-Indulgent, because i suck at writing angst, goshiki writes poems, like a lot, shirabu is a good senpai
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:26:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 56,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26381122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butchyart/pseuds/Butchyart
Summary: It was just a little one-sided crush at first; nothing more.And Goshiki thought that when the training camp would be over, so would his little crush.Except that one week later, he found a notification on his phone.Koganegawa :) :“HI!!! We haven’t seen each other in a while and I was wondering how you were doing??? :)”Oh my God."Is this what gay panic feels like?"
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Koganegawa Kanji
Comments: 199
Kudos: 400





	1. Gay Panic

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! First chapter of this very self-indulgent and very cliché Kogagoshi fanfiction. Just know that english isn't my first language but I think I'm kind of good? I hope  
> Anyway I don't usually write (I actually draw) but this thing just hopped into my mind and now I'm writing a long ass fanfiction about it  
> Anyways enjoy

It was just a little one-sided crush at first; nothing more.

Goshiki was already well aware of his flaming bisexuality, it wasn’t that big of a shock. And it also wasn’t that big of a deal, even though this was actually his first boy crush. It didn’t particularly surprise him. He had been knowing for a few months now, since he arrived to a point where he couldn’t deny his obvious attraction towards boys not even to himself.

After all, Koganegawa was a nice guy to be around. He was very cheerful and touchy and would eventually make Goshiki blush slightly, and his presence filled up the room nicely. It was kind of new to him to be around someone so happy and bright: his teammates from Shiratorizawa weren’t exactly the definition of outgoing (especially Tendou. That dude kind of freaked him out sometimes).

Still, practicing with Koganegawa was fun. Of course, however, the training camp would’ve come to an end sooner or later, so they had to say goodbye. It wasn’t necessarily heartbreaking, but Goshiki for sure couldn’t deny the little beat his heart skipped when Koganegawa called him from the other side of the road and ran towards him to ask him his phone number. It made him feel warm.

Again, he thought this was the end of it. Sometimes during lessons his thoughts would drift to the other boy and he would totally zone out for a while; he allowed himself at least to daydream a bit. He wasn’t harming anyone, right? He was also getting used to all the crap-I-kind-of-like-a-boy thing. So, no problem.

Except that a week or so after the training camp, he was just getting to his dorm room when he glimpsed at his phone… and he found a notification.

**Koganegawa :) :**

_“HI!!! We haven’t seen each other in a while and I was wondering how you were doing??? :)”_

Oh my God.

He froze in the middle of the campus.

_“Is this what gay panic feels like?”_ , he thought as his heart started to beat just a little bit too fast.

I mean, he surely didn’t expect this to happen. It’s not like he didn’t kind of wish it would, but still, this was a surprise. And on top of all, he didn’t expect Koganegawa to reach out to him first. Did he really interest him? Or- God, maybe he just misunderstood it all. Maybe Koganegawa was just trying to be nice? Or maybe he texted him out of, I don’t know, manners?

But what if- what if it was pity? Did he look that ridiculous and desperate for friends? Well, to be fair he was; he didn’t have any particular close friend there at Shiratorizawa. All of his middle school best friends just suddenly stopped talking to him as soon as eighth grade was over, so maybe he for real wasn’t an interesting person to be around and Koganegawa saw that and tried to text him as the gentle angel he was. Did Goshiki deserve this? He didn’t want to be a burden and he didn’t want his literal crush to stick around him just for pity and-

Oh yeah. He was still standing in the middle of the campus. Maybe he should reach his dorm and let all of his insecurities kick in in his safe space, far away from people. He walked for a couple of minutes as he finally stuck out the keys and entered his little house.

Living in the dorms of Shiratorizawa wasn’t definitely bad at all. Yes, he could only see his family once a week but damn, his bathroom was so big and neat that he could live in there and there would still be enough space to adopt a dog and keep it with him in there.

_“Alright, this was a strange thing to think”_

As he entered and closed the door behind him, he tossed his bag on the desk, loosened his tie, and immediately dropped himself dead weight on the bed. His heart was now beating a little less than before, but the excitement from receiving that text message was still there; at least, until he realized he literally left Koganegawa on read and he probably was waiting for a response. He quickly turned on his phone and looked at the screen.

He digitated a quick _“I’m doing fine, wbu??”_

He was about to send it, but his thumb stopped halfway through his track. His previous thought started to bug him again, and in the back of his head there was still that tiny voice that spoke all of his insecurities.

Because Goshiki really wasn’t a tough guy. He tried to appear like one, because if he didn’t, how was he supposed to beat Ushiwaka? How was he supposed to become the _ace_? He gained a scholarship to Shiratorizawa because of his good grades, and he couldn’t afford to disappoint anyone. Getting him in there had still costed a lot of money to his parents, so he really had to do more than his best to not let everyone down. Plus, even if volleyball was his biggest passion, it’s not like he was that good at it. Yes, he learned fast, but sometimes keeping up with the practices with the guys from college was hard. Ushijima still felt like an unreachable obstacle, and he was nothing more than a slightly tall fifteen years old next to a literal volleyball star-

Goshiki slapped both of his cheeks and snapped out of his train of thought at once.

_“It’s not the proper time to overthink”_ , he reminded himself.

He looked again at his phone and finally sent his message, feeling a wave of relief as he did so.

And he didn’t even have to wait for a reply, because it came right away. Just as if Koganegawa had been sitting there, waiting nothing but for Goshiki to text him back.

And as he read it, Goshiki’s heart skipped another beat, for the second time because of Koganegawa.

**Koganegawa :) :**

_“I’m glad to hear it!! I’m doing well, too. Btw, would you like to hang out sometimes? I’m free on Wednesday and Saturday, usually. How about it?”_


	2. Terrible Taste

Waiting for Koganegawa was almost agonizing. And well, Goshiki knew it was his fault for arriving thirty minutes sooner than he was expected to, but he was too restless to wait. He looked over at his phone, re-reading his little conversation with the other boy for the forty-sixth time today.

**You :**

_“Sounds great! I’m free on Saturday, too”_

**Koganegawa :) :**

_“Good!! !! We can meet, uhm… maybe in front of the mall??? so we can grab something to eat :D”_

**You :**

_“It should be fine”_

**Koganegawa :) :**

_“Let’s be there for half past three or so, then”_

**You :**

_“Got it ;)”_

Goshiki arrived at 3 PM. He waited all week for this, and he couldn’t focus on the lessons. When Saturday came, since school finished early, after barely eating lunch he immediately launched himself to his room, and spent about a hour and a half getting ready. He stood in front of his closet, looking for some decent clothes; he never really cared about fashion and all that crap but God damn it, _he was about to meet Koganegawa._ He needed to dress nicely.

 _“I look like a middle school girl right now”_ , he desolately thought to himself as he sighed after picking the tenth outfit. In the end, he just decided to settle for a flannel, a white plain t-shirt and a pair of jeans. That would work. He kept peeping in the mirror to check on his bangs, and eventually couldn’t manage to stay still so he just put on his favourite pair of Converse and started walking to the mall.

And there he was now. He kept fidgeting with his hands, and was shifting the weight from one leg to another. He looked at the time, it was 3:35 PM. Koganegawa was late.

But what if he wouldn’t show up? Maybe he changed his mind at last? Maybe he was just trying to be nice and didn’t expect Goshiki to accept his invitation, and that’s why he wasn’t showing up. Goshiki for sure must’ve been looking ridiculous: standing there like an idiot, in front of the mall, waiting for someone who most likely won’t even show up-

“Goshiki! There you are!!”

Goshiki immediately looked up. There he was, Koganegawa, happily waving at him from the other side of the road. And… damn. He was wearing a grey hoodie, with a jean jacket on top of it, and some black ripped pants. And Goshiki’s heart _exploded._

As the other boy got closer, he noticed how neatly styled was his hair, and noticed some little black roots right in the middle of it due to his hair dye. He was so pretty, with the corners of his mouth always facing a little upwards, so it looked like he was always smiling. He couldn’t take it, Goshiki was already too gay for this.

Koganegawa quickly approached him with a bright smile on his face and gave him a quick hug.

 _“A little too friendly to say the least”,_ was the only thing Goshiki thought as he tried to play it cool and act like it didn’t bother him in the slightest.

_“This was supposed to be just a little stupid temporary crush”_

Finally, the other boy spoke.

“I’m glad to see that you came!!”

“Of course I did, why would I not come?”

“I dunno” he smiled.

“Now follow me! I know a nice place here where we can eat something. Even though I had lunch just a few hours ago… whatever, are you hungry?”

Goshiki was pretty hungry, now that he paid attention to it.

“Yeah”  
“Alright then”

They stepped inside the mall, Koganegawa leading the way, as they did some small talk for a while. The usual _“how are you doing”_ , and _“How’s volleyball practice been lately”_. They walked for a couple of minutes, Goshiki’s nervousness and awkwardness disappearing as Koganegawa proceeded to excitedly explain how his blocks were constantly improving and his tosses were getting more precise. It was nice to listen to him talking about things with such effort, and Goshiki focused on the exaggerate movements of his arms and his funny facial expressions, as well as a little nose tic he had, which he never noticed before.

When they entered the small place, which kind of looked like a Starbucks for the amount of breeds of coffees it sold, Koganegawa turned around and looked at him. And in that exact moment, Goshiki realized that he’d been fucking _staring_ for the whole time. He mentally slapped himself as hard as he could, while internally drowning in a pool of shame.

Great, now surely Koganegawa thinks he’s some kind of creep or something. What a power move. But instead of giving him a weird look or ask him about it, the boy in front of him just smiled again (he was smiling way too much for his poor bisexual heart) and made a large gesture towards the place.

“Ta-da! They do the absolute best iced coffees of all time here” he said happily.

Goshiki looked around. There were just five or six tiny tables, and the place felt almost claustrophobic. But the nice natural light peering from the windows and the feeble music in the background made it all in all comfortable.

They sat at one of the tables, their knees touching, and Goshiki’s mind drifted again to the thought he’d been trying to shut out until now: _they almost looked like they were on a date._

_“Again, what the fuck Tsutomu. You look like a teenager in full hormones”_

As the little asshole voice in the back of his head reminded him that he was, in fact, a teenager in full hormones, Goshiki picked up the menu and read all of the drinks. He hadn’t had the core to tell Koganegawa that he didn’t like iced coffee.

He looked through all the options and picked the one who looked more sweet, and hoped it wouldn’t make him want to gag. A waitress took their order and left with a smile, and they sat in a kind of awkward silence. Goshiki wanted to say something; anything.

“So… have you been watching the nationals, by chance?” eh, good enough.

“Yeah! I watched every match Karasuno did until now. Aw, I’m so envious!! I could’ve been there!”

“Right? It’s kind of frustrating, especially when Shiratorizawa literally lost by two points”

“Hinata is really a pain sometimes. Playing against him is hell”

“And what about Tsukishima, then? He managed to block Ushiwaka?? Karasuno’s first years are monsters”

“Tsukki seemed so embarrassed to be around Hinata during the whole training camp, it was hilarious!”

“Of course he was, boy literally showed up even though no one invited him and decided that he would be the ball boy. Sometimes I wonder what was going on in his head when he thought that was a good idea”

They laughed.

“Hinata’s kind of a mystery sometimes”, said Koganegawa.

“You are too”

“What?”  
Yeah, what the fuck did he just say?

“I mean… how are you always so happy? You literally befriended everyone at the training camp. You managed to miss only Kunimi”

“I did?? I didn’t notice, that’s just how I always act”

“But you literally ran after me to have my email address”

“Yeah… sorry about that, maybe I was a little overexcited”

Their conversation was interrupted by another waitress bringing them their orders.

The rest of the afternoon went by very smoothly, except for the fact that the coffee Goshiki ordered ended up still tasting terrible. He tried to play it off and added some sugar, but it took all of his will not to make a weird grimace anytime he took a sip. After that, they just walked around the town for a while; then Koganegawa insisted to walk him to his dorm at Shiratorizawa, but Goshiki refused to let him in because “you can’t bring the enemy into your base”. So the other boy just gave him another quick hug (causing him another little heart attack) and walked away to his home.

As soon as he closed the door behind him, Goshiki crushed onto his bed.

_“What a nice day”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up tomorrow :)  
> In the meantime can someone explaint to me why down here there are the end notes that I put yesyerday in chapter one??? Or am I the only one who sees them?? Help


	3. Poetry and Tickles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter three :)

It became kind of their thing, his and Koganegawa’s, to hang out and just stop for an hour or so to the place that sold iced coffees. After their first meeting, they texted each others regularly, and met anytime they got the chance. Even after three weeks passed, and nationals were over, and everybody was on break, they still kept in touch. Now that Goshiki wasn’t staying at Shiratorizawa anymore, and was back home with his family, he could even be as kind as to allow Koganegawa into his place.

The day after his first meeting with Koganegawa, Goshiki was practicing with his teammates; he was in the changing room and was putting everything back in his bag, as Shirabu suddenly sat near his stuff and looked at him with a smirk on his face. That couldn’t mean any good.

“Sooooo… do we have another flaming homosexual on the team, or am I just imagining things?”

Goshiki nearly chocked in his own saliva. What the fuck?

Shirabu stared at him, waiting for a response, but Goshiki couldn’t think of one. What- what the hell was he supposed to say, anyway? I mean… he thought he was doing a good job at hiding his bisexuality? Could he possibly have slipped on something? Maybe that one time four months prior when-

“Oh, don’t play dumb. I see the blush on your face, and I saw you hugging the Angry Bird boy yesterday”

“The Angry Bi- wait, did you say ‘another’? There are other- I mean, other-“

“Goshiki, my boy” Shirabu waved at the people in the room “I could name like five people in there who are far away from being straight. You would be the sixth”

Goshiki was stunned. And confused. It was all too sudden, what the hell.

Shirabu apparently read the expression on his face and immediately tried to reassure him.

“No, no, I don’t mean it in a bad way! Don’t look at me like that” he paused to let that sulk into Goshiki’s head.

“So, am I right or am I right?”

“… It’s none of your business anyway”

“Come on! That look you had in your eyes when he walked away! You literally froze on the spot for five minutes after that”

“I did?! Am I that obvious…?”

“Yeah, you are. But Angry Bird boy seems incredibly dense so it’s fine”  
“Hey! He’s not-“

“Whatever, just know that if you need an advice I’m always here. I know a thing or two about boys”

“I’m a boy t-“

He tried to protest but it was too late; Shirabu sprinted out of the room before he could say anything.

_“What the fuck did I just witness”_

After that weird conversation, however, everything went fine. Koganegawa seemed to enjoy his company, and for once Goshiki thought that maybe, _just maybe,_ the other boy was really interested in him. He was also starting to get used to the bitterness of iced coffee.

The first time he invited Koganegawa to his house, he was so nervous he was almost shaking. As per usual, he took a shower and got dressed and styled his hair and of course he was 45 minutes early. He kept checking his reflection in the mirror; did he look good? He was glancing maniacally at his room and was trying to spot even the tiniest of things that was out of place, but what if it looked too neat? Would it make Koganegawa understand something? And what if- oh God, what if his mum broke into his room and embarrassed him or something? Well, she was at work, she shouldn’t’ve come home till 7, but still-

The bell rang, and Goshiki nearly jumped on the spot. He collected himself and ran to the door, opening it to reveal Koganegawa, pretty as always and smiling widely at him. He smiled back, and he could feel his cheeks heat up slightly. How can someone look so damn adorable all the time? It should be illegal to be this cute.

 _“It also should be illegal to be this gay”_ , a voice in his head reminded him.

_“Shut up, it already is”_

“Hi!!! Can I come in?”

“Yeah, I’ll lead to my room”

As Koganegawa entered the bedroom, he spun around to give a look at the whole place.

“It’s huge! My room is so tiny and so messy that this is actually impressive”

“Really? Maybe it’s because I used to share it with my sister”

“You have a sister??”

“Yep. She’s 22 and moved out three years ago, with her boyfriend. Well, husband, now”

“That’s great! I’m an only child, so I don’t know how having a sibling feels like”

“Believe me, you’ve been blessed”

“Is it that bad?”

“It is hell”

Koganegawa laughed as he sat on the bed. He was still looking around, and Goshiki sat on the bed next to him. He felt kind of awkward, while the other boy looked like he was completely at ease.

“There has to be something good about your sister, come on” he insisted.

Goshiki thought about it for a moment.

“Well… you see that window?”

“Mh? What about it?”

“My sister and I used to sneak out from there. She was the one who taught me how to do it”

“What?? How?”

“Well… we got out on the windowsill, jumped on the canopy above the front door and then again on the ground. Mum would get angry if she found out that we were doing it, because she thought it was too dangerous. But we mastered it and we had a lot of fun”

“That sounds really nice”

“Yeah, it was”

The room fell into a kind of awkward silence for a couple of moments.

“So, how are you doing?” Goshiki asked after a while.

“Meh. I have nothing to do now that I’m on break. I can’t practice with the team, so I don’t know what to do most of these days. I mean, it’s nice to not have to wake up at 6 every morning, but still… I kind of miss school”

“For real? I’m bored too sometimes, but I don’t miss school at all”

“Don’t you hang out sometimes with your teammates from Shiratorizawa?”

Uh.

“… Not exactly, we aren’t really close”

“No? Then, what about, I don’t know, friends from your class, or from middle school”

“Erm, nope”

“I thought you were a popular guy or something”

“Who, me? You’re kidding”

“I’m not! I think you’re so cool”

What. The. Hell.

Goshiki looked at him with his mouth wide open and blushed violently. Koganegawa thought he was cool? And he wasn’t joking? Oh, he could’ve burst into tears in that moment.

The other boy must’ve seen the shocked expression on his face, because he quickly added “I didn’t mean it in a bad way? I genuinely thought you would have lots of friends or something… you’re nice and funny, you kn- are you crying?”

“No-“ Goshiki’s voice broke as he let out a sob, and he sniffed a couple of times. He wanted to bury himself and die for shame. He quickly wiped away his tears.

“I’m sorry”

“No, wait, it’s fine… but this was unexpected”

“I know, I’m so sorry, I’m not used to people complimenting me this directly. It’s stupid, sorry”

He wiped another couple of tears.

“Stop apologizing”, said Koganegawa as he got closer and started to pat his back.

They stayed like that for a while, even after he stopped crying, because he couldn’t bring himself to straighten up and look at the other boy in the eye. It was awkward. Wow, good job Goshiki; now he thinks you’re some kind of mentally ill guy or something because seriously, who the fuck starts crying when receiving a compliment? It’s weird and embarrassing and now Koganegawa would for sure never look at him the same w-

“So… what do you do in your spare time? I mean, if you don’t hang out”

Oh. Never mind. Goshiki looked at him, processed the question, and proceeded to panic for the third time that day.

“I… uh….”

He thought of an excuse; any excuse. He didn’t want to tell the truth about _that._ There was no need to further embarrass himself that day.

“… Uhm, my- my homework?”

Fuck.

“Yeah… I don’t believe you, sorry. Who the hell does their homework on their free time? You must have some kind of hobby or interest”

Goshiki said nothing. He couldn’t think of anything plausible.

“Wait, are you trying to hide something from me?” Koganegawa smirked.

_“He looks kind of ho- SHUT UP”_

“Oh, you’re definitely hiding something from me”

And then, oh well. The chaos.

Koganegawa literally pushed Goshiki on the bed, threw himself over him and _fucking started tickling him._

Goshiki burst into laughing at once. Please, everything but not tickling, he couldn’t stand it. He was so, so ticklish, he would laugh until he had no breath left and he would start to kick in the air because it was unbearable. A literal torture.

“S-STOP PLEASE OH MY- GOD”

“I want to know! Come on!”

“KOGANEGAWA I-I CAN’T BREATHE”

His laughter was out of control and he was starting to become red; the other boy, however, didn’t seem like he was planning to stop soon. For the second time that day, his eyes went teary.

“I’M SOR- I’M SORRY, PLEASE STOP”

“You wish”

“ALRIGHT, I- I WRITE POETRY ON MY S-SPARE TIME! THAT’S IT- I GIVE UP, PLEASE!”

Finally, Koganegawa stopped. He shifted and sat again on the bed, with his eyes wide open and a big smile on his face.

“Really?!”

Goshiki was breathing deeply, but he managed to say “Yeah. Please don’t make fun of me”

“What do you mean? That’s so cool!! Can I read some of it?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Do you want me to tickle you again?”

A pause of silence.

“… I’ll let you read some of them. But I’ll keep the more personal ones to myself”

“Meh, fair enough”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help the chapter notes at the end of the first chapter keep fucking copying themselves under each new chapter I post???? I'm losing my mind I don't understand


	4. Insecurities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention this fic is self-indulgent?

Goshiki was lying on the bed, with his face pressed against the pillow. It has been a week from Koganegawa’s first visit to his house, and _he couldn’t stop having that fucking dream ever since._

 _“You damn horny teenage boy”_ , he scolded himself angrily, mumbling into the fabric.

His dream replayed in his head. It was always the same thing: Koganegawa, pinning him against his bed, kissing him softly while running his hand through his hair. And it seemed so frustratingly real. He blushed and turned himself around to get some air, even though he would’ve very happily suffocated.

He felt so embarrassed, and so… wrong? Dirty? It wasn’t even that big of a deal, but it still felt like he was invading Koganegawa’s boundaries and privacy. As he covered his eyes with his hands, he felt guilt.

He thought that maybe his little crush would go away eventually. He thought that maybe, once he got to know better Koganegawa, he would realize he didn’t actually like him. There would be something about the other boy that he couldn’t bring himself to like, and like that his feelings would go away.

But they didn’t. Instead, those fuckers just grew even stronger. They already bugged Goshiki all day, and now even at night. But still, liking a boy was a warm feeling; it felt nice and soft and intense and it made his chest heavy but, in a good way?

Koganegawa made him appreciate things that he used to hate. Like coffee (it still tasted like crap though), or the fact that he had little to no sense of personal space and he would get very touchy and affectionate without even realizing it. It was unfair, that he had so much power over him and he couldn’t do anything about it; he was helpless.

The, suddenly, his thoughts drifted to the day before.

His mum too noticed that he was always distracted and had something in his mind. She asked him about it the day before, while they were having dinner.

“Hey, Tsutomu”

He looked up from his bowl or rice.

“Yeah?”

“Lately, I’ve been noticing that… well, you tend to zone out a lot”

_“Oh shit”_

“Are you sure everything’s fine? I’m concerned, you know”

“Yeah, I’m just tired it’s all”

Why the hell was he so bad at lying on the spot?

“Are you sure it’s only that? You always lock yourself in your room, I barely see you. You never acted like this”

“I’ve just got a lot on my mind, really”

At least he sounded kind of convincing. Kind of.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I… I don’t think you could do something about it”

_“And I’m not ready to come out to you yet, so please, please just don’t-”_

“Is it about… a girl?” she smirked.

Are you kidding me. Is this some kind of joke Goshiki couldn’t understand? It had to be. There was no other explanation.

_“Why must the world hurt me like that”_

“What?! Of course not, what are you talking about?”

“Oh come ooon, tell your mum about it!”

“No, God, leave me alone!”

“But I’m worried!”

“And I’m not hungry anymore, I have to go”

His thoughts were running in his head like crazy, and he couldn’t think of a proper response, so he just got up and ran out of the room, up the stairs and locked his bedroom door behind him. What the fuck did he just do?

_“Everything is fine, breathe, calm down…”_

Except that now his mother thought he had a girlfriend or something. Good job Goshiki, you fucked up again. A talent, really. Because seriously, he could’ve said a million different things and all of them were a better idea than running away.

His heart started beating fast. That hurt. He let himself slide to the floor, and buried his head in his knees. He didn’t want to disappoint her… not over something he couldn’t control.

In that moment, for the first time, Goshiki felt ashamed. Ashamed of himself. Ashamed, because he so desperately wanted to be the perfect son, the perfect student, he wanted to make everyone around him proud. What else was he supposed to do? He felt shame, and he wanted to hide. He tried so hard for all of his life, and now everything would be ruined because of him and only him. It was his fault. He knew he couldn’t do anything about it, and he knew he wasn’t sick or anything like that. Then why did he feel guilt building up on his throat? He imagined how heartbroken would his mum be if she knew her son fell for a boy.

His mind went to Koganegawa. How would _he_ react if he knew? Would he look at him the same way as before? And why was it that big of a deal? He would never tell him about his bisexuality anyway. He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t prepared. He would never be, because he felt so weak in his own skin, he felt vulnerable and that’s why he tried to hide it. He wasn’t strong enough. He was never strong enough.

And he started crying, as silently as possible.

“I’m sorry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for short chapter, in the next one there will be some plot I swear   
> Btw, I just really wanted to show how fragile is Goshiki's relationship with his sexuality  
> (Ignore the notes under here. I don't know what to do anymore)


	5. Barefoot

Goshiki rolled over on the bed and sat on the edge. He didn’t want to think about the night before anymore. Especially when he literally cried for an hour before passing out because of tiredness on his bed, and he woke up with his head aching and with his stupid dream still stuck in the back of his eyelids. He picked up his phone and found a message from Koganegawa; at least his day was starting a little bit better than before. Koganegawa texted him good morning every morning, but Goshiki was used to wake up around 10 while the other boy was already awake at fucking 7.

**Kogane <3 :**

_“Good morning!!!! How are you?”_

**You :**

_“Meh, could be better. I woke up with a headache”_

_“Do you have plans today ??”_

He wanted to see him. Maybe he would be able to distract for a while?

Or maybe every excuse was good to get away from his house and not having to face his mum. Speaking of which, he hadn’t seen her yet that morning. She was already at work and he was grateful for that; but he knew he would’ve have to face her at dinner and that was the last thing he wanted. Still, if he could’ve slipped out just before lunch to go and stay with Koganegawa, maybe he would’ve been able to clear his mind for a while. And besides, he never actually saw the other boy’s house up until that moment; perhaps he was catching two birds with one stone?

His phone lit up after a couple of minutes with a new notification.

**Kogane <3 :**

_“I’m free”_

_“Do you want to meet?”_

**You :**

_“I don’t know, does it sound rude if I ask you if I can come over to your house for lunch?”_

**Kogane <3 :**

_“Don’t woery lol”_

_“I’ll tell my parents you’ll be there then. Come around 12 or so”_

_“Why do you wanna come for lunch tho?”_

**You :**

_“Uhhhh”_

_“It’s kinda complicated”_

**Kogane <3 :**

_“Alright alright”_

_“But I’ll demand explanations later”_

**You :**

_“Of course you will ._.”_

Goshiki looked at the time. It was half past ten, he had some time to get ready, and some time to think of an excuse. Sometimes Koganegawa was too curious.

As he entered the shower, he thought about it. If he told him he and his mum fought, then he would ask why. Why could they have fought? Maybe… he didn’t help enough at home? Even though he was the one that usually cooked the meals…

Or maybe he was tired and told her something rude, and now she was mad at him? This could possibly work, yeah.

 _“Or maybe you should just tell him the truth”_ , said a tiny little voice in the corner of his head.

He shut down that idea immediately. What the hell was he thinking? Of course he couldn’t tell him the truth.

But still…

No! Absolutely not. That was not a possibility.

He got out of the shower, and thought about his poems. There were a couple of them that talked about… well, him. Sometimes, he felt the need to translate his feelings into words: most of the things he wrote weren’t really personal or anything like that, but when he really was feeling like he couldn’t hold back his emotions anymore, he just took a piece of paper and started to write. He had done so since he was around eleven, and never really stopped.

Maybe he could show Koganegawa one of them…

No, it was a bad idea. They were just too personal.

But he deserved to know more about Goshiki. Because Goshiki never really told him anything personal. Don’t get him wrong, he trusted Koganegawa… but he was still too scared? Or maybe that was all an excuse because he didn’t have the guts to open up with anyone. Because he, deep down, was frail. He didn’t think he could’ve endured to be rejected; so he just kept running away from his problems. It was easier this way, right?

He got dressed, combed his hair and left a little note on the counter for his mother to see. It said that he was going to have lunch to a friend’s house.

He looked at the hour. He was still 30 minutes early…

Walking to Koganegawa’s house required about 15 minutes. So he had another 15 minutes left to sulk into his thoughts, in an empty house, just him. Great!

He took the folder with his poems. It was hidden in the back of his closet, in a tiny box under his old shirts. Nobody knew that they were here – well, except Koganegawa. But he made him swear that he would never take them without permission.

He opened the folder and looked inside it; then, he found the poem he was looking for. It was a short, messy one, scribbled quickly, and it brought him back some memories. He remembered when he first realized his attraction towards boys.

He was never a homophobic kid; but he still lived all his life till that point thinking that he was straight as a board, so it took him a while to accept it. He recalled when he started feeling this weird attraction towards some of his male classmates: it wasn’t a crush, it was more like a wow-they-are-really-a-little-too-good-looking. And he thought it was jealousy for a while. But when his feelings drifted to a well-yeah-I-could-kiss-that, he understood that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t exactly jealousy. Then, he found out about bisexuals, and suddenly everything was clear. He felt excited, to fit in a label: that’s when he sat down and wrote that poem.

He read it a couple of times; should he bring it to Koganegawa?

He felt… bad, for hiding this huge part of his identity from him. It almost felt like Koganegawa didn’t know him well, and that was a dreadful thought. He wanted to be trust-worthy, so what was holding him back?

Well… it was always the fear of rejection. But if the other boy didn’t accept him for who he was, then what was the point?

And still…

He sat there, in silence, staring at the little sheet of paper. He would decide against it, it wasn’t the right time. Maybe-

A light sound came from downstairs, interrupting his thoughts.

Goshiki immediately recognized it; the sound of his door opening.

“Tsutomu, I’m home!”

_His mother._

Goshiki froze for a brief moment. He heard his mum as she took off her shoes, and put down the keys. Then, he panicked.

How much time did he spend sitting there like an idiot? His eyes drifted to the clock, it was 12:05. What the hell. He felt as if he just sat down like, five minutes prior?

“Tsutomu? Are you home?”

_“Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK”_

The last thing he wanted now was to have to face her. So he jumped off the bed, and looked around: what was he supposed to do? He could hide in the closet… but no, that wasn’t a good idea.

Then, he eyed the window.

He remembered about him and his sister sneaking out of it… he had told Koganegawa about it.

But was it really worth it? Goshiki could just go downstairs, greet his mother, and then run out of the house. I was a much better idea.

But then, he heard her starting to go up the stairs.

“I see your shoes on the entrance, I know you’re still here. Why aren’t you answering?”

And his mind went _apeshit._

His thoughts were running twenty miles per hour. What if she found him with the poems in his hands? Would she ask questions? He could throw them in his closet, but what if she looked inside and found them? He didn’t have time to hide them in the box and under his shirts.

He looked at the window again, hesitated for a moment, and made his decision. He rushed towards it, opened it and jumped out, on the canopy and then on the ground. He looked at his feet, _he fucking forgot his shoes_. But he heard his mum opening his bedroom door, he didn’t have time for that. So he started running; barefoot, keeping his folder pressed tight against his chest.

_“What the fuck am I doing?”_

He didn’t stop. Hopefully, his mother didn’t see him. Why was he even so scared? She didn’t even thought there was something out of the ordinary. So why was he running away like that? His head was spinning.

He prayed to not be seen by anyone that knew him, or anyone at all. It must’ve been a very bizarre scene from an outside perspective. Someone running without his shoes on isn’t something you see everyday.

He ran all the way to Koganegawa’s house, and he arrived there in ten minutes. Somehow, he didn’t come across anyone on the way there, except for a couple of old women that he never saw before. He didn’t even slowed up to see if they were looking at him weird. But now his feet hurt, his hair was a mess, he was red and sweaty and gross-

That was a bad idea. The worst he ever had, probably. He even left his fucking phone at home. He definitely needed to go away. And he was about to turn around and do it because seriously, how bad of a first impression would he do if Koganegawa’s parents saw him like that? It was pathetic. But then, the door swung open. It was Koganegawa.

The two of them looked at each other for a long, long moment. He was still gasping for air.

“I swear I can explain”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... sometimes I wonder what is going on in my mind when I write things like this  
> Next chapter tomorrow!!!  
> 


	6. What

Koganegawa made him enter the house. The first thing Goshiki noticed was that it was very small compared to his; but he couldn’t notice anything else, because Koganegawa dragged him into his room as quickly as he could and locked them in. He turned around, and looked at him with a shocked look in his eyes.

“What the hell”

“I… I’m so sorry”

“No, wait. It’s fine, just… I need a context”

“And I’ll give it to you, but first, can I please have some socks to put on?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry”

He opened a drawer, and started rummaging through it. As he did so, Goshiki had some time to look around: Koganegawa’s room was small, like the rest of the house, and the walls were painted of a nice shade of pink. But the most outstanding thing, was that scattered all around the room were dozens of sheets of paper covered in _drawings._

The other boy once told him that his room was messy, but he didn’t expect it to be messy in that way.

Goshiki was… surprised, to say the least. Not even once did Koganegawa mention this passion of his. And as he turned around and handed him the socks, he saw the stunned expression on his face.

“Yeah… I guess I’ll need to give you some explanations too”

“HOLY SHIT KOGANE”

“What?”

“THIS! IT’S JUST- WOAH”

“Yeah, most people react like that when they see my room. Is it really that weird?”

“No, it’s amazing! But you never told me you liked to draw??”

“Well, it’s… eh, kind of complicated. But can we leave explanations for later? I think we might need to go help my mum”

“Alright, alright. Can I put this here?”

He glanced at his folder, which he was still holding tightly, and then at the little desk next to him. Koganegawa stared at it for a moment, like he hadn’t noticed it before.

“Sure”, he then said with a smile.

They headed to the kitchen. A tiny woman was turned from behind near the kitchen counter, and there were some pots on the stoves. She quickly turned around, and smiled widely; she, like Koganegawa, had the corner of her mouth facing upwards, but apart from that they looked completely different.

“Ah, you must be Goshiki!! It’s nice to finally meet you. You know, Kanji talks a lot about you”

“He- he does?”

His heart made a tiny little flip.

“Of course he does. Now come Kanji, I need your help”

She waved at the table, in the middle of the room, and Koganegawa started to set everything. Goshiki just stood there, not really knowing what to do with his hands, in an uncomfortable position.

“Can I help too?”

“Oh, but you’re our guest”

“I can cook, if you need something”

“Ah, really?? That’s awesome! If you insist, you could cut some onions for me”

“Sure thing”

“You know, Kanji never learned how to cook”

“Mum, can you not do that in front of every of my friends? We talked about it”

“I know, but I need some help at home. You’ll have to learn how to make meals, sooner or later, or you’ll end up dying of starvation”

Goshiki giggled. Then, he heard the front door opening; he assumed it would be Koganegawa’s dad. Indeed, a short man peeped through the kitchen door. How the hell were Koganegawa’s parents so short? He easily towered both of them. In contrary, the boy standing next to him was a almost two meters tall giant, and he was only fifteen.

“Nobody told me we were having people over”

“Sorry, I didn’t have time to tell you about it, it was a last minute thing. This is Goshiki! He’s a friend of Kanji”  
“Nice to meet you then. How come I didn’t see your shoes at the entrance? That’s why I was surprised to see you here”  
Shit.

“Because, uh-“

“Ah, that’s my fault! I was a little overexcited and I dragged him to see my room without letting him taking off his shoes. They’re in there now”

Goshiki looked at him, surprised. Koganegawa winked at him, and proceeded to act as if nothing happened. That was smooth.

“Oh, I see”

The rest of their lunch went good. Koganegawa’s parents talked a lot, and asked an embarrassing amount of questions, but it was fine; Koganegawa, too, seemed in a good mood. They looked like a lovely family. Goshiki felt nice, and even managed to push in the back of his head all the thoughts about the night before, his mother and his dream. Well, until the end of the meal: he helped to clear the table, but Koganegawa’s mother refused his help when he asked her if he could clean the plates. So, him and Koganegawa went to the boy’s room once again, and they sat on the bed.

“So…” he broke the silence, “I guess I should tell you what happened”

“Yes, _please._ I’ve been dying to know for the whole time”

“Alright… but it’s kinda complicated”

“It’s fine, we have all of the afternoon”

Goshiki took a deep breath, and realized at once that he still didn’t have a fucking clue on what he wanted to tell to Koganegawa. Should he stick to the original plan and lie? But it couldn’t work, not after how he presented himself a couple of minutes earlier. So what was he supposed to do? He didn’t know if he was ready to tell the whole story. He definitely wasn’t. But he also didn’t want to hide himself anymore: it was not fair. And still, inside his head was a mess; he was never good at making choices on the spot.

“Goshiki, are you okay?”

“Yeah- I mean, not really? I don’t know”

He took a deep breath.

“I’ll tell you something. But I don’t know if you’ll like it”

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to”

“No, no, it’s just… I don’t want to lie anymore”

Goshiki tried to think about the right words. Then he remembered his poem. He got up, took it from his folder and handed it to Koganegawa.

“Here”

Koganegawa looked at it happily, but Goshiki was almost shaking.

He remembered how it begun, and looked as the other boy moved his eyes from one side of the paper to another.

_“My heart is weird sometimes”_

He knew it by memory.

_“I’ve been wondering what was wrong with it”_

Was this really the right choice?

_“And now I see._

_That I find myself in her, but I find myself in him”_

It wasn’t even that good of a poem. It was sloppy and sketchy.

_“And I learned to say both._

_Somehow, I won’t have to choose”_

He gripped the tissue on his pants.

_“Let boys be girls, Let girls be men._

_I’ll let me be, for now, I guess”_

Koganegawa’s expression was unreadable.

_“It feels weird, but it feels right._

_I feel like me, again. It’s nice”_

Goshiki held his breath, as Koganegawa looked up from the poem.

“Is this what you were so worried to tell me?”

He felt his eyes become teary.

“Goshiki, no, wait! I… me too”

He what?

“You-“

“Yeah! I’m bi, too”

The room fell silent for a couple of moments.

“WHAT?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please excuse me for I cannot write poems.  
> I searched on Google and put together some parts and invented other parts and it's very bad but the thought is what counts right?  
> 


	7. Confessions

“WHAT?”

They looked at each other.

Then, they both proceeded to _panic._

“Wait did- did I get it wrong? Oh my God, were you trying to tell me something else?”

“What? No, I- you got it right, it’s just-”

“Maybe I shouldn’t’ve outed myself like that- shit, I’m sorry Goshiki”

“No! That’s not the problem! I’m just…”

“Was it too sudden?”

“Yeah! I mean, no, it was… I didn’t see it coming”

“I’m sorry, I thought-“

“It’s fine! It’s fine”

There was a pause of silence, where they both looked at each other, still stunned. Koganegawa’s cheeks were slightly pink and oh, he looked too cute. Instead, Goshiki must’ve been looking like he was about to faint (because he was, in fact, about to faint), but he collected himself and managed to speak again.

“You’re… You’re the first one I’ve ever told it”

“For real? So I’m the only one who knows?”

“Uh, not exactly. One of my teammates kind of figured it out”

“Oh, I see”

Koganegawa smiled gently.

“I’m… glad to know that you found me trustworthy enough to tell me”

“It was a last minute decision, to be honest”

It felt warm. Goshiki felt warm. It was a nice sensation, to be accepted like that. It never really happened to him.

“I still don’t see the correlation between this and the fact that you ran all the way to my house without your shoes, though”

“Oh, right. Ehh… well, I didn’t want to face my mum because she thinks I have a secret girlfriend for some reason so I panicked and I jumped out of the window”

“… Woah”

“Yeah…”

“But, what’s wrong with her thinking that you have a girlfriend?”

“It’s-“

Oh, right. He couldn’t tell Koganegawa that he had a fucking crush on him. That wasn’t part of the plan.

“I just feel like a disappointment of a son, you know?”

Goshiki lowered his gaze and looked at his hands.

“My sister… she got married with a nice man, she plans to have a baby soon, and she’s studying in college to become a doctor. She always liked to take care of me”

He giggled slightly, remembering that one time when he was eight and he skinned his knee; his sister ran into the house, took the band aids and the disinfectant and took good care of it. Their mom complimented her when she came home from work.

“I, on the other hand… I decided to play volleyball. That is my dream. I made her and my father pay tons of money to let me join Shiratorizawa, and I’m not even that good at playing”

“Hey! That’s not tr-“

“And now turns out I also like boys. She’ll be so disappointed in me”

He was still looking down to his hands. He felt his face burning and a knot forming on his throat. Maybe he said too much…

Another pair of hands made their way upon his. Koganegawa took them gently and squeezed them. Goshiki looked up at him.

“Don’t say that. She’s your mother… she’ll understand. I’m sure. It will get better, don’t look at me like that. Please oh my God don’t cry again”

“I’m sorry-“ his voice broke, and he coughed a couple of times, “I’m sorry”

Koganegawa slowly let go of his hands after a couple of moments.

_“But it felt nice…”_

“… Better?”

“Yeah… I needed to take it off my chest. Thank you”

They fell in a comfortable silence for a while. Koganegawa had his eyes on the floor, and Goshiki would glance at him every two seconds because God damn it, _he just took his hands???_

But on top of that, it went even better than he had originally planned. And now he knew another bisexual guy! He still was trying to process that information; it felt so weird and so… unreal? But like, in a good way. He felt less alone than before.

After a while, Koganegawa spoke.

“So… I guess it’s my turn then?”

“What?”

He gestured at his room.

“Oooh, the drawings”

“Yep”

“Can I see some of them?”

“Of course, but I’m not so good”

He got up and brought a little pile of drawings to Goshiki. He took them excitedly, and started looking through them. They were simple-styled, cartoonish drawings, mostly of people and cute animals. Almost none of them were coloured. And holy shit, they were all so beautiful.

“That’s- they’re amazing , Kogane!!”

“You think so? Most people don’t really appreciate a cartoony art style like this”

“But they’re so… you”

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“Of course! You’re as amazing as your drawings”

They giggled.

“So… why didn’t you tell me about this sooner? If I can ask?”

“Eh, well… the fact is, this wasn’t born as a passion of mine. I like drawing, yes, but that’s not the reason why I have so many drawings in my room”

“Then why?”

“Since I was a kid, drawing is the only way I’m able to concentrate easily, actually”

“Oh?”

“It’s always been weird, so recently my parents brought me to doctors and neurologists to understand what’s going on. Turns out I most likely have ADHD. I’m trying to get diagnosed”

Koganegawa was fidgeting with his hands, and looking at the ceiling. He seemed more nervous about that than about literally outing himself as bisexual out of the blue.

“I see. But still, I don’t get why you didn’t tell me before?”

“You know, there is kind of a stigma around illnesses like that... or something. I don’t know, I just don’t usually go around and tell everyone”

“Yeah, makes sense. But they’re so pretty”

Goshiki was stunned. He never had any artistic ability of that kind, and Koganegawa was so talented; to his eyes, at least.

“You know, when I told Hinata about ADHD, he asked me if it was some kind of cancer”

“… He did what.”

The rest of the afternoon went by pretty quickly. Goshiki even forgot about his mum, the fact that he didn’t have his shoes, and all the explanations and excuses he would have to give when he would come home. Koganegawa made him do that; sticking around him had almost a soothing effect.

Because come on. Each second he spent with him, Goshiki grew more and more whipped.

And he wasn’t really sure whether it was a good thing or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao??? I'm bad at writing hdhdbsb  
> (Ignore the notes under here)


	8. Concern

In the end, Koganegawa lent him a pair of his shoes. They didn’t fit him, since the other boy wore like two sizes more than him, and they were a yellowish, lowkey highlighter colour. But it was better than having to come home with just his socks on, right?

As he got closer and closer to his house, he gradually slowed his pace, hoping that maybe if he did that he would never arrive. But eventually he got to his destination; he stood in front of his door for a while. He didn’t know what to tell his mum, about the shoes and about everything in general.

Him and Koganegawa came up with the best excuse they could, but it was still odd and sounded kind of forced. It was, however, the only plausible one they could think of. They even agreed on leaving the folder with his poems to Koganegawa’s, so that his mum wouldn’t see it (he made the boy swear not to read anything in there).

The only thing left was going inside and actually face her, which was… more difficult than he expected. He couldn’t find the courage to step into his house. So, he took a couple of deep breaths.

He counted till three and opened the door. And there she was, her mum, just coming out of the kitchen with some instant noodles in her hands. She gave him a hard look.

“You’re late.”

“I know, I’m sorry mum”

She sighed heavily.

“Can you please tell me what’s going on? I’m starting to worry, Tsutomu. First, you start to avoid me and you stop talking to me about everything, and now you go as far as leaving the house without your damn shoes and with your bedroom’s window open”

“Yeah, I… forgot about i-“

“I don’t understand! You started to hang out with someone and you won’t even tell me who! I never met them, nor once I heard you talk about them. And I just- I don’t want you to attend bad companies or something like that, because you’re my son and I care about you, you know?”

“I was just-“

“I’m concerned. And I understand that teenagers act this way all the time, but you’ve never acted like that, and now all of a sudden you do!”

She put down her noodles, mumbling a “I’m not hungry anymore. Eat them if you want”, and she walked straight to the living room.

Goshiki was… stunned. He expected her to be mad, but not in that way? And not about that. He realized just in that moment that he actually never talked to her about Koganegawa; and maybe it was because he was very obvious about his crush and he didn’t want her to find out, or maybe it was because being his friend still seemed like a dream and he never got used to the fact that they were now close, but those still weren’t valid excuses.

He passed a hand through his bangs, and went picking up the noodles, He was kind of hungry, to be honest.

He went upstairs, took his phone, and then made his way to the living room as well; he stood by the door for a moment, before entering and settling down beside his mum.

She was watching some talent show on TV.

Goshiki shifted closer to her, and turned on his phone.

“That’s him”, he said in a light tone – like he was scared to break the silence - as he showed his mother a picture of himself and Koganegawa. They took it a couple of weeks prior; the boy loved taking selfies for some reason. He liked that photo: they were both smiling widely (even though Goshiki wasn’t photogenic at all), and they were looking at each other. Koganegawa said something dumb and they were laughing about it.

“His name’s Koganegawa. He’s the guy I’ve been hanging out with, lately”

She looked at the photo. Then, up to Goshiki.

“You told me about him before. He was with you during the training camp”

“Yeah… we got along well and started hanging out. He’s a really nice type”

His mother kept shifting her gaze from the phone to her son. Goshiki couldn’t decipher her thoughts, but she didn’t look mad, which was good.

“See? No secret girlfriend. No bad companies. Just him”

“But why…” she hesitated, “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“I… don’t know, to be honest”

“Mh”

She mumbled something, and looked away to the TV again. Goshiki turned off his phone; the atmosphere was light, now. He looked at her.

_“Maybe that’s the right time to tell her”_

For once, he considered to listen to the voice in his head. He could tell her now. The timing was good, they were in a confidential tone, and things felt okay between them. He could do it.

He opened his mouth as to say something, but the words died in his throat. He didn’t know what to say.

A simple “I’m bisexual” would’ve been enough.

He opened his mouth once again, and stopped just when he was about to let the words come out – what a terrible phrasing.

Maybe saying ‘bisexual’ was too much? What if she didn’t know about it? He should have to explain what it means to her, and that would be so difficult. Maybe he should’ve settled for a simple ‘I like boys’, but she could’ve misunderstood… then perhaps-

“Tsutomu, are you okay?”

She spoke in a soft voice.

“Yeah… but I’m gonna go to bed now. I’m very tired”

“Alright. Goodnight”

He got up, and gave her a kiss on the forehead; then, he went to his room. He wasn’t tired at all.

He was relieved to have clarified things with his mum, but in reality he just lied to her and didn’t even bother to explain things properly. He chickened out as always. And now even if she wasn’t mad at him, he was mad at himself in the first place.

He didn’t even realize it was so hard for him to say it.

Maybe it’s because he never had to say it out loud up until that moment.

Goshiki threw himself on the bed, and looked at the ceiling. He let out a small sigh.

“Bisexual…”

Why did it sound like such a _heavy_ word now?

He thought about it, maybe a little too much. Plus, everything that happened that day kept popping in his head; Koganegawa was bisexual, too. So Koganegawa liked boys.

And he was a boy.

But no; out of the question. The last thing he needed were false hopes.

Goshiki’s chest felt warm as he thought about everything he learned about the other boy that day. It made him feel special. He never realized how nice it felt to be so close with someone; and maybe because this was actually the closest he’d ever been with one of his friends.

_“Yeah. Friends…”_

He didn’t sleep well that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, they talk; except that they don't :)  
> 


	9. Pressure

A week or so passed from the day Goshiki came out to Koganegawa.

He was still in the middle of his school break; then why the hell was he standing in front of the Shiratorizawa gym’s door, waiting for his teammates?

To be honest, he didn’t know why Tendou insisted this much, nor how he managed to obtain a copy of the keys to the gym; he said he was already nostalgic about “the days he used to play volleyball with his old friends”, or something along those lines. And no one really dared to turn him off, so they settled a date.

He was early, as per usual; he arrived 15 minutes prior to the established meeting hour due to his nervousness about seeing his team again after all those weeks. It’s not like he didn’t train, just… playing volleyball alone in your backyard wasn’t the same as practicing with the guys from university. A couple of times Koganegawa tagged along during his lonely trainings; but it still wasn’t much. Goshiki was sure to be at least slightly out of shape because of this lack of activity. Sometimes, the idea of playing alone made him feel too sad, so he wouldn’t even bother to come out of his bed to do so.

Goshiki looked at his gym bag for a moment; then, he heard a voice calling from behind.

“Tsutomu!!! Hey!!!!”

He turned around.

“Hi, Tendou”

He got closer, slapped his back a couple of times, and ruffled his hair with a little too much energy. Then he sticked out a pair of keys, and opened the gym.

“Your bowl-cut looks marvelous as always. Bun now come, enter!! We can go change now, so we can start preparing the gym. You know, you’re early”

“Alright”

The place seemed strangely empty. Goshiki was used to him and the rest of the team to enter the gym together, change together, and warm up as they waited for the older guys to join them. Their coach would yell, having that frowning face of his, and would target him upon every other player, for some reason.

Goshiki would always be the one to get more punishments; and it made him feel a little hopeful. It was kind of a nonsense, but it felt nice to know that his coach was trying to get the best out of him because he saw potential in him. That meant he wasn’t completely a lost case.

When he came out of the locker room, he spotted some of his teammates making their way into the gym. There were Shirabu, Semi, and Kawanishi. Slowly, the room filled up with everyone, everything was settled, and Ushijima gave them instructions on how to do the warm-up exercises.

It made Goshiki happy; he had been feeling down for the whole week, and finally being able to practice was nice. He remembered why he liked playing volleyball so much.

He thought about how the next year would be for him: since the third years graduated, Shirabu would take the lead of the team. It must be a great responsibility… Goshiki dreamed it for himself in the future. Being the captain of a powerhouse, and maybe even the ace. He still had his hopes and his goals, deep down, under that thick layer of fears and insecurities.

Sometimes he wanted to be like Ushijima. Well, most of the times to be honest. Ushijima seemed so… calm, and confident in his own abilities. He wanted to be like him, one day; he wanted to be able to say that he is strong, powerful and unstoppable.

But this kind of goal would be hard to reach, especially when his upperclassman looked so clueless all the time. Goshiki could never.

Of course, Ushijima’s form was overall still perfect. His serves, his spikes, even his receives were precise as usual.

But, Goshiki was also actually in a better shape than he originally thought. It felt fun, playing volleyball, like it haven’t felt in a while. Maybe he really missed being part of a team. He missed the pats on his back and the compliments and the heat and the squealing noises of their shoes against the gym’s floor. He even missed Tendou’s creepy behaviour, and Shirabu’s stupid shit-eating grins and glances, and the weird tension between him and Semi.

He also did some pretty good spikes and he managed to serve in between the lines, despite it being one of his weaknesses. He felt proud of himself for the first time after a long, long time.

They played some 3 vs 3 matches, stretched again and then practice was over. It went by a little too quickly, to him. He wanted to play more.

As everyone got into the locker room to change again, Ushijima approached him.

“You did a good job today.”

And he entered the room.

And maybe Goshiki was an easy crier, but damn, that made his eyes teary; he didn’t even realize how much pressure he had been putting on himself all that time. It felt like he finally got rid of a heavy weight in his chest, and he could finally breathe. He quickly wiped his eyes and got into the room, too.

He thought about Koganegawa for a moment; he wanted to beat him, and he wanted to beat Dateko.

 _“Sounds kind of homoerotic to me”_ , said that motherfucking voice as an echo in his head.

_“Can you literally shut up for two seconds so I can enjoy the damn moment?”_

He put his clothes in his bag nervously. He glanced for a moment at his teammates; that would be one of the last times he would ever play with them. And it made him already nostalgic.

Then, he eyed Shirabu. He remembered what he said to him some weeks prior, in the same locker room.

_“If you need an advice, I’m always here. I know a thing or two about boys”_

And he did need an advice, in that moment. He needed to talk to someone (he couldn’t go to Koganegawa for it, damn it) and if he didn’t ask him now, he would never have the courage to try and do it again.

So, after they all greeted each other, he stopped the other boy before he could get out of the gym. There were just the two of them, now.

“Shirabu”

“Mh? What is it?”

“I…” he paused.

“Yeah?”

“Remember when you told me that if I ever needed an advice I could ask you?”

“Have you considered my offer?” he grinned.

“Yes”  
They looked at each other for a second. Shirabu looked surprised about ho directly Goshiki responded to him; but it was now or never.

“Can I talk to you about something?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little transition chapter to make you understand better how I view Goshiki's relationship with volleyball or something  
> Hope you enjoyed???  
> (Ignore the notes under here)


	10. Advices

Sitting on one of the tables of the place that sold iced coffees, Goshiki was starting to regret each and every one of his life choices.

He thought that maybe, if he brought Shirabu to a familiar place, far from home, talking would be easier; and he was wrong, of course. He couldn’t really get a grip on what he wanted to say.

They ordered coffees (Goshiki always asked for the same).

“I thought you didn’t like coffee?” said Shirabu as the waitress walked away.

“I don’t”

He made a weird face as to say, “what the hell?”

“Ah, it’s just that me and Kogane come here often. He likes it there”

“Angry Bird boy got you so whipped you even started to drink coffee? Goshiki, my boy, then you really need one my splendid relationship advices”

“Stop calling him with that terrible nickname. And that’s not really the reason I called you here”

“Uh? What is it, then?”

Goshiki started fidgeting with his fingers, and lowered his gaze. Words were getting stuck in his mouth.

_“Come on Tsutomu; it’s easy”_

Shirabu was still looking at him. Sometimes, he wondered how someone could keep such a resting bitch face and yet be so expressive at the same time. It was odd.

“I… kind of, uh- struggle coming out to people? I guess”

“Yeah, everyone struggles to do that”

“No, I mean, it’s more of a… I’m struggling at coming to terms with my sexuality? If it makes sense”

At least, that’s what he thought he was feeling.

Shirabu’s face shifted to something unreadable. Then, he widened his eyes just a tiny bit, raised his eyebrows, and the colour seemed to drain, just by a tiny bit, from his face.

“Try, uhm, try to come out to me now”

“Now?”

“Yep. Here”

“Ah, alright?”

Goshiki took a deep breath.

“I’m… bisexual” he said in a half-whisper.

“Louder”

“I’m- but do we really have to do it here? Can’t we do it somewhere else? Please?”

Shirabu stared at him with concern in his eyes, and maybe a glimpse of empathy.

“Oh boy. Oh boy it’s worse than I thought”

“What is it?”

“Goshiki, my precious underclassman”

“What??”

“I’m afraid you might be experiencing some, well…” he paused, as to choose the right words to use to not freak him out “internalized homophobia of some sort”

“Uh? No way. I’m not homopho-“

“You’re ashamed, aren’t you?”

Goshiki didn’t answer. Was he?

“And you’re also scared, I guess. Scared of yourself and scared of others”

“I…”

He had a point, actually.

“Look, I was exactly like you, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Scared. I was scared of my sexuality, when I first learned about it. ‘Gay’ sounded too heavy, and ‘I like boys’ sounded too ambiguous, and I didn’t know what to say to people. So I just shut up”

It sounded familiar. A little too familiar. Shirabu freaked him out sometimes, especially when he hit a little too close to home like that.

“It took me a lot of time, to finally be able to talk openly about myself without feeling guilt. I could come out to anyone without a problem, now, but it was a long process”

“Really? Anyone?”

“Yeah, look”

He waved at a girl sitting on the table behind him.

“Hey! You in a red shirt! I’m gay!!”

She glanced upwards, made thumbs-up and smiled.

“Cool!”

Then Shirabu turned around again, to face Goshiki with a happy grin. Goshiki had his mouth agape; how the hell is someone so reckless? And how the hell did he say it with that much ease? It was… outstanding, to him.

“Don’t look at me like that, come on”

“But I don’t…”

“Tsutomu”

Goshiki looked at him directly in the eye, and noticed how his face had softened to a small and tender smile. He could almost spot a hint of nostalgia in the back of his eyes, like he was looking at something far in the past yet so precious to him.

“You just really need to stop thinking of your sexual orientation as something different from “normal”. There is no such thing as normal, understand? Because straight isn’t the default, and queer isn’t the abnormal. You’re just you. You shouldn’t have anything to hide”

Shirabu brought his arm across the tiny table and squeezed his shoulder, waiting silently, just to make sure the information was sulking in. And Goshiki was thankful, because he needed a second to process that.

And it may sound stupid, but to be honest? He never ever thought about it in that way. And it actually made sense.

It was mind-blowing, and at the same time he felt so dumb for not realizing it.

He imagined what Shirabu must’ve been through to get to this point alone. It must’ve been tough. Goshiki wasn’t sure if he would’ve ever realized all of this if he was to be left on his own. He was grateful, even if he would need some more time to reflect on it.

“You get it, now?”

“I do”

And he did, he really did.

“Good. Once again, it is confirmed that your boy Kenjirou gives banger advices”

He put his hands on his hips proudly.

“Always you and your damn ego” Goshiki laughed.

And Shirabu grinned, maliciously. That was a red flag, wasn’t it?

“But now! As a payment for my endless kindness”

Oh no. Definitely bad news.

“I want the details. Of you and Angry Bird boy”

“Why are you like this?”

“Come on!”

Goshiki sighed, and thought about what he wanted to say. It’s not like their relationship had that much development in terms of romance and stuff.

“I found out he likes boys, too”

“What?? That’s great!!”

“But, he doesn’t like me. I’m sure he doesn’t”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because… it’s me we’re talking about. Kogane has a lot of friends, and a lot of options, and everybody likes him- well, except Kunimi, but that guy only stands Kindaichi. And I, on the other hand… I’m just me? I’m not likeable, interesting, or intriguing in any way, shape or form. I’m not an option, and I’m surely not enough”

“From how you’re telling all of this to me, it looks like the problem is yours”

“Wha-“

“I’m pretty sure you’re the only one that thinks you’re not good enough. No, don’t-“ he said, as he cut off Goshiki who was about to protest “And I’m also sure that he never behaved with you in a way that made you question whether or not he really appreciates your company. It sounds like it’s just your inferiority complex to speak, and Angry Bird boy has no part in it”

He was about to try and protest again but… he wasn’t wrong.

And seriously, could he stop calling him out like that? It’s like he knew more about Goshiki than about himself.

“Oh, I shut you up? That means I’m right?”

Goshiki didn’t reply. He suddenly was well aware of how fucked up he actually was (and also how stupid).

“Oh, but it’s late. I need to go home now, and I definitely need a shower”

Shirabu got up, after looking at his phone for a moment.

“If you’ll excuse me-“

“Thank you”

He blinked twice, as Goshiki pulled his sleeve gently.

“Huh?”

“I said, thank you. I wouldn’t have known what to do without you”

Goshiki was looking away, but he was honest. He was so glad.

“Anytime, for my precious underclassman”

Shirabu ruffled his hair, dismissed himself, and got out of the place.

And then, only then Goshiki looked down on the table and realized the terrible mistake he did.

Shirabu left all the bill for him to pay.

_“That slimy bastard”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if tomorrow I'll be able to post a new chapter, I'm kind of busy ;-;  
> I'll try my best  
> (Ignore the notes under here)


	11. Safe Space

Standing in front of the Shiratorizawa Academy’s gate, Goshiki felt a mix of excitement and nervousness. He had a suitcase in every hand; it was the thirty-first of August, and school would begin the day after. Every student was called a little earlier to settle their stuff into their new dorm.

Maybe, just maybe, this year Goshiki would allow Koganegawa to come and visit his dorm. To be fair, it was kind of against the rules, but everybody did it anyway, so why not?

He was let inside the campus, so he headed to the dorm building and entered his room: it wasn’t very different from the one he had the year before.

He looked at it, and realized how that last summer had been… crazy. As he arranged all of his belongings, he thought about how many things had happened to him.

First of all, to be completely honest with himself, his feelings for Koganegawa were starting to get out of hand (well, they already were, to be fair); and sure, liking Koganegawa was a beautiful feeling and all, but managing to keep control of his damn body was becoming a hard task. He blushed slightly but uncontrollably anytime the other boy was a little too close, his hands twitched when he laughed, and he often caught himself staring for a little too long.

Still, Koganegawa didn’t seem to notice. Or maybe he just pretended not to do it.

Goshiki was glad; things between them were good, and the last thing he wanted was to ruin their relationship just because of his stupid heart. Even though there was a tiny little part of him that kind of hoped Koganegawa would understand his feelings for him eventually; but he tried not to think about it. He was still too scared.

He pulled his poetry folder out of one of his suitcases, and looked at it for a while. He hadn’t really wrote much, in the last month, and the few things he actually wrote were very personal to him; he wanted to start to explore himself more, as a little first step to finally being able to embrace himself once for all, and poetry was the only way he knew to do so. Coming out still seemed so scary, but he had to start somewhere, right?

Koganegawa, too, was willing to help him open up more and talk freely about his emotions. That was so sweet of him. Since Goshiki had vaguely mentioned his talk with Shirabu, the other boy had tried to make him more and more comfortable over time. He said he wanted to create a safe space for him, and this had filled Goshiki’s heart with so much happiness he didn’t even know how to express it into words.

He remembered that day very clearly. It happened some weeks prior, but still, anytime he thought about it a little smile would form on his lips.

He was in his room, and Koganegawa was sitting on the bed with him; and he must’ve looked very distracted, because the other boy immediately noticed something was off (and he was right, of course). He was still thinking about his conversation with Shirabu.

“Hey” he approached softly, since Goshiki had stopped talking for a while now.

“What’s wrong? I can literally hear you overthink”

Goshiki snapped out of his thoughts as soon as he heard him talking. He didn’t even realize he was zoning out.

“Uh? Nothing, sorry. What were you saying?”

“Nothing, I wasn’t talking”

Oh.

Koganegawa shifted closer and turned to face him.

“Come on, it’s written all over your face that you have something on your mind”

Goshiki groaned in defeat.

“I hate when people read me that easily”

“Who else reads you easily?”

“You aren’t giving up, aren’t you?”

“Yep!”

“… Of course you’re not”

He decided to tell him. He wanted to be more transparent with him.

“Are you sure you want me to talk about it? I mean, it’s boring”

“I’m sure. Go on”

“I talked with Sh- I mean, with one of my teammates some days ago”

“The one who figured out you like boys?”

“Yeah. That one”

“How come?”

“Well, uh… I needed an advice, and he told me to ask him if I ever did”

Koganegawa nodded.

“So… well… I wanted to ask him about that weird oppressing thing I’ve been feeling for a while. It’s… I’m, uh, kind of struggling a little to come out to people… and to fully accept myself? I think”

He was about to add something else, but Koganegawa jumped to his feet, with a shocked expression on his face. Goshiki backed up on the bed, confused by this sudden reaction; did he say something wrong? Maybe he told too much?

But instead, the other boy threw his hands in the air.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?? Goshiki, I had no idea! No, well, I kind of had to be honest, but I thought I was just imagining things!”

Goshiki looked at him with a confused expression.

“I didn’t think it was that big of a deal?”

“Of course is a big deal!” he sat down again on the bed, “I want you to be comfortable around me”

“… You do?”

Koganegawa took him by the shoulders, and shook him with a little too much strength.

“Yes, I do. Why would I not?”

Then, he looked straight in his eye for a moment, before hugging him tightly. And there, Goshiki realized he felt shielded from the world, in his arms. It felt warm, and fuzzy.

_“How sappy”_

He ignored his stupid thoughts, and slowly slipped his arms around him.

“Thank you. I mean it”

He chuckled.

“Anytime”

Apart from that day, however, there hadn’t been a real twist in their relationship. But for now, Goshiki was perfectly content with that (as the feeble smile on his lips confirmed).

He finished to set up his stuff in the room after an hour or so, and he launched himself on the bed immediately after. He was curious to see how this year would’ve been for him. There were going to be new members to the volleyball club (probably other kids like him that were all so damn tall) and oh God, he was going to become an upperclassman.

He wanted to become stronger, and he wanted to become better.

Right there, right in that moment, alone in his room, Goshiki felt hunger. Hunger to improve. Hunger to overcome the obstacles and beat everyone and then himself.

And he knew that feeling wasn’t most likely going to last; as he would start the lessons and practice would begin, he was still going to feel all of his insecurities and that familiar sense of defeat. But as long as it lasted, Goshiki enjoyed the moment.

He almost felt like he could conquer the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that yesterday I couldn't post ;-;  
> But I'm back!! And I did a little jump forward in time eheheh  
> (Ignore the notes under here)


	12. Unreal

School went just fine, for its first week. It was nice to be back, and to be settled again in a familiar pace. And even if Goshiki didn’t miss Japanese classes _at all,_ at least he had volleyball practices.

The new first years were… well, they were all still pretty scared, actually. And Goshiki wouldn’t blame them; he was freaked out too, at first. But apart from that, they seemed good (not Ushiwaka-like good, but still). They also needed to work a lot on building a stable and complete team, which was going to be a hard task, but they had to start somewhere.

That Saturday morning, Goshiki woke up a little dizzy. He had that stupid dream again, the one with Koganegawa in it. He didn’t really know why, since he hadn’t had said dream for a while now; maybe it was a result of the fact that he spent most of the time in class thinking about the other boy. Who knows.

He even started to notice silly details about Koganegawa that he never really paid attention to until that moment. Like, the fact that they were literally 10 centimeters apart (he felt small next to him), or the way his black roots disappeared once in a while anytime he dyed his hair, or how he preferred to wear baggy clothes most of the time and he owned so many oversized hoodies.

Koganegawa’s clothes looked comfy.

As he got up from his bed, he immediately understood he didn’t feel really well: something was off. Nothing really concerning, but he realized he didn’t sleep well at all. As if sleeping just made him more tired. Luckily, that day he didn’t have practice: that’s why he settled just the day before to meet up with Koganegawa. He would bring along Hinata, apparently.

_“What an unlikely trio”_

He got dressed, styled his hair a little (it wouldn’t stay in place, so he gave up halfway through), and took a look at his phone. And he felt almost like fainting.

 _It was 4 PM_. He was supposed to meet with the other two boys at 3:30 PM, at the mall. He had 5 missed calls by Koganegawa (and he supposed Hinata didn’t have his number, or else he would have gotten more).

He immediately called him back.

“Goshiki?? Are you okay? Why didn’t you come?”

“I’M SO SORRY- I OVERSLEPT”

“You… You overslept”

“Yes. I’m so sorry”

“Until 4 PM”

“Yeah…”

He heard a sigh from the other side of the phone.

“We were starting to get worried. Do you want us to come to Shiratorizawa?”

“No, I’ll walk to the mall. I’m sorry”

“You have to stop apologizing. It’s fine, alright? Hurry up, we’ll wait”

“Thank you”

He hung up, put on his shoes, and sprinted all the way till the mall.

Koganegawa and Shoyo were standing next to the entrance, so he waved and walked towards them.

“I’m here!” he said, breathing heavily “I’m here…”

“Hey, you didn’t have to run like that” said Hinata, as he got closer and patted his back.

“How come you woke up so late? I mean, you usually wake up late, but like this late?”

“I… don’t honestly know what happened? I woke up not feeling really in shape, but I don’t understand why I slept this much”

“You’ve got pretty dark bags under your eyes, now that I notice”

He didn’t really pay attention to it to be honest. Then, Koganegawa smiled and turned to face Hinata.

“And Shoyo, on the other hand…”

“I slept well! That’s why I’m so energetic today”

“You almost hit an old man because you were too nervous waiting for Goshiki, so you couldn’t stay still”

“He did _what_?”

“It’s not my fault! I was worried! And the man is fine!”

Goshiki chuckled slightly. They were so alike, Koganegawa and Hinata. Apart from the stupid haircut and the height difference, of course. The three of them looked odd together.

While they were walking around town, as Hinata was blubbering about new things he wanted to improve on (that guy never shut up, it was like he had always something to talk about), he felt a little bit better then when he woke up. A little less hopeless.

They talked about volleyball all along. And, well, this was really the only thing that they all had in common, to be fair.

At one point, things started to getting out of hand, as the discussion about which team had the best setter got more heated. Koganegawa apparently took it a little too personal, because both Goshiki and Hinata agreed to the fact that Kageyama Tobio was definitely the best setter of the prefecture.

“But I improved so much!”

“You’re really good, for real, but… Kageyama is on a whole another level”

“Still, I usually get everyone of my tosses right!”

“Sorry to break this to you”, said Hinata a little too proudly “but Kageyama does too. And they’re a little more precise”

“It’s not fair! He was born too talented!”

“You’ve got a point there, yeah”

“No, Goshiki!! Now you should tell me, ‘What are you talking about Kogane? You were born talented too!’ or something along those lines!”

“But he told the truth”, said Hinata with a confused look on his face.

“I can’t with you two”

Koganegawa turned his head around not to face them, and closed his eyes, with an offended expression on his face. Goshiki let out a sincere laugh; he was adorable. His hands twitched a little.

Hinata started poking him.

“Come ooon! You know we’re right”

“You’re not!” he was just pretending to be offended at that point, holding back a laugh.

“Can we do something to fix our mistake, your majesty?”

“Well, actually-“

He was about to say something, as a fourth voice joined their little chat.

“Dumbass, are you familiarizing with the enemy?”

The looked up collectively. The Kageyama himself was standing just before them, looking at them with a puzzled expression.

“I’m not! What are you doing here, anyway?” said Hinata, mildly offended by Kageyama’s comment.

“I was just walking around and I saw you here. Thought I’d stop and insult you”

“Mean!”

Hinata jumped on his feet and the two of them started fighting on their own almost immediately. It went on for a couple of minutes.

“True love”, commented Koganegawa wiping away a fake tear.

“They’re… they’re walking away aren’t they?”

“Exactly”

“The betrayal…”

Koganegawa punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“Do we follow them?”

“Nah, let’s just walk away too”

“Are you sure it’s a good idea?”

“They’ll be fine on their own. Oh, and I wanted to give you something! I would’ve needed to go home soon, anyway”

What was he talking about?

“Uh, alright”

“Can I walk you to Shiratorizawa?”

“Yeah, why not”

Goshiki didn’t realize how fast time was passing by: the sky was already starting to become a nice shade of yellow, and it illuminated Koganegawa’s face in an immaculate way. He remained silent all the way to his dorm; what did the other boy wanted to give him? He started to fidget a little with his hands. It sounded weird.

After what seemed like forever, they arrived to Shiratorizawa’s gates.

“Wait a sec”

Koganegawa stopped in his track, and opened the zipper of his little blue bag; he pulled out a sheet of paper.

“Here! I wanted to give this to you. I’m kind of proud of how it turned out, and I thought you’d like it”

He handed it to him, and Goshiki looked at it for a long, long while. It was a drawing. A drawing of him. He glanced at Koganegawa, then back at the drawing.

Then, he smiled fondly as his cheeks lit up a little.

“It’s beautiful”

It really was. The colours were warm and the lines were all perfect. And it looked exactly like him.

“You think so? I don’t colour my drawings very often, so I’m not an expert”

“It looks better then what I do in real life”

“Hey, don’t say that!!”

Goshiki giggled bubbly.

“Thank you”

He got closer to Koganegawa, looked at him for a moment; bathed in the warm light, he looked unreal. Or maybe Goshiki was just a hopeless romantic.

Then, he hugged him shyly. He got hugged back.

It was the first time he actually hugged the other boy first.

“Thank you so much. I love it”

“I’m glad you do!”

He pulled back from the hug, reluctantly.

“See you soon, then”

“Of course! Bye!!”

Koganegawa walked away, waving at him.

Staring at the now empty road, with the drawing in his hands, Goshiki fell in love all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little filler chapter with no real plot except that last phrase :)  
> 


	13. Being in Love

Goshiki rolled over onto his bed. His alarm was ringing, but the last thing he wanted was to get out of bed; especially since he spent all night walking back and forth around his room, his thoughts spinning in his head.

Just one question was peeping from his head.

_“Am I in love?”_

He couldn’t stop thinking about it, since he last saw Koganegawa.

But I mean, of course he wasn’t. He wasn’t, right? He couldn’t.

He had known Koganegawa for like, four months. That were uh, a lot, since they saw each other practically every other day, but still…

He didn’t know what love was. He had never been in love. Sure, in middle school he had some crushes here and there, but it was more of a one-sided pining towards some random pretty girl he didn’t even know this well.

Because what he felt wasn’t anything like the stories he read or the movies he watched. It wasn’t a consuming love, it wasn’t something so intense and passionate that made your entire body burn and shake, it wasn’t a desperate need of the other person to be finally complete with yourself.

It was more of a warm feeling that spread from the centre of his chest. It was soft, and silent, and intense but like, in a nice kind of way, and it made him want to curl up in a ball and never talk to anyone again and at the same time to go out and run and scream and kick in the air out of joy. It was confusing, and blurry, and it felt anywhere and nowhere at the same time. Oh, it made no sense.

What was he supposed to think of it?

And maybe deep down he secretly wished it wasn’t really love. Because he was going to be so fucked, if it happened to be.

Goshiki put his hands on his face, turned off the alarm clock and groaned; it was about to be a long, long day.

As he got into class and throughout all of the lessons, he couldn’t really focus on anything else. Because he felt like he wasn’t ready to be in love. Damn, he wasn’t even sure if there was a right time to fall in love - and it actually didn’t make any sense but he had to overthink things in one way or another.

He glanced to the clock, while the professor was explaining something about maths which he wasn’t really trying his best to understand, but time seemed like it wasn’t passing.

What could he do?

He thought about asking Shirabu. Was it really a good idea? The other boy would mock him about it for sure, and he didn’t know if he was ready to go through that. But did he really have a choice? He couldn’t ask Koganegawa, of course. And he didn’t know anyone else to call on.

Did he ever meet someone really in love? I mean… his parents were divorced, he wasn’t really in contact with the rest of his family, and everyone he knew didn’t have a real love interest…

Then, something suddenly crossed his mind. And the sole thought made his head go apeshit.

_Tendou._

Everybody at Shiratorizawa, the year before, noticed the way Tendou used to look at Ushijima, to be honest. He didn’t even try to deny it. Sometimes he would stare at him so fondly, it didn’t leave much space to the imagination. Goshiki never really tried to look much into it; it was their thing, he didn’t want to intrude their personal boundaries.

One day, he resembled, he heard someone from his team pointing it out (he couldn’t really remember who, but probably it was Shirabu).

“Dude, if you stare at him that intensely a second longer he’s going to catch fire”

“Always ruining the moment, aren’t you?”

“Yep. But seriously though, are you and Ushiwaka like… a thing?”

“Wakatoshi and I are best friends”, was his only reply.

So maybe, Tendou could help him.

But- no, what the hell was he thinking? He wasn’t even sure if it was really love. It was undeniable that he felt _a lot_ of things, but still…

No, he couldn’t ask Tendou. It was out of the question. Or was it?

He hated being so indecisive. He started tapping his foot on the ground, trying to think of what to do.

What’s more, the maths professor seriously seemed like she had the ability to stop time at that point. Goshiki kept looking around, not really paying much attention to anything but his thoughts.

What if he was in love? What would he do once he would find out? It was just going to be more painful, when Koganegawa would reject him. Because he know he would.

His eyes eventually drifted to his bag, after wandering around for a while. And there, he saw it; his phone.

_“What if…”_

What a great time to have another dumb idea.

But he acted impulsively. He grabbed his phone, shoved into one of his pockets, and raised his hand a little too abruptly.

The teacher noticed it.

“What is it, Goshiki?”

“I’m, uh- not feeling really well. May I go to the bathroom?”

She looked at him inquisitively.

“Sure”, she said after a moment of hesitation.

He got up, and rushed out of the classroom immediately. He ran to the bathrooms, got into one of the stalls and locked himself in.

He searched for Tendou’s number.

**You:**

_“Tendou”_

_“I nred a favour”_

_“I dont know who else to ask”_

His hands were shaking a little; it was against the rules, to use his phone in the bathroom.

However, he immediately received a reply.

**Tendou:**

_“Woah, shouldn’t you be in class?”_

Too perceptive.

**You:**

_“Its not important. Just please answer my qjestion”_

**Tendou:**

_“Alright?”_

_“What is it?”_

Goshiki took a deep breath.

**You:**

_“How do you know if you’re in love?”_

He held his breath, waiting for an answer. Tendou fell quiet for a while. Had this really been a good idea? He should’ve thought this through.

His phone lit up with a notification.

**Tendou:**

_“Tsutomu, I’m definitely the last person you should ask about this”_

**You:**

_“Wym?”_

**Tendou:**

_“Actually, you know, everyone experiences love differently. There is no one you can consult to know if you’re in love or not”_

**You:**

_“And what do I do then?”_

**Tendou:**

_“The fact is, Tsu”_

_“If you’re pestering yourself over whether you’re in love or not”_

_“Believe me. That’s enough proof to say that you are, indeed, in love”_

Goshiki stared at the screen for a while.

He turned off his phone.

His body slipped slowly to the ground, and his back was against the stall door.

He ran his hand through his bangs, laughing nervously at himself.

“I fucked up”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so our boy finally understands his feelings :)  
> Anyway imma go to sleep cuz here it's 1:45 AM lmao  
> 


	14. Late Night Walk

Some time went by.

Everything was (surprisingly) going okay for Goshiki. His grades weren’t that bad, he managed to not mess everything up with Koganegawa for a while, and practice was good.

And still, he couldn’t sleep. He was lacing his shoes, going out for a walk; it was 11 PM. He was supposed to be asleep right now, with his teammates, in the little building they were staying in for the night. Because the day after, it was going to be the first day of interhigh preliminaries.

Nothing new, right? He participated the year before. But now, Ushijima wasn’t going to be with them. It was the first official event Shiratorizawa was going to join without their ace: nobody really knew what to think of it. Ushijima Wakatoshi, during his three years of high school, had been the hub of the volleyball team, with his raw force and his powerful and unblockable spikes.

And what about now?

Goshiki felt like they were barely keeping up with their previous pace, now that Ushijima graduated. He was scared.

He lowkey felt like he was going to have to carry the burden of being the new ace of a powerhouse team, but maybe that was just his ego and narcissism kicking in ag the wrong time. And if you add all the adrenaline and nervousness he was feeling… yeah he hadn’t even be able to lie down still, so he settled for a night walk that would maybe make him calm down.

A couple of his teammates were still awake as well – he saw the lights coming from some of the windows. Maybe they were doing their homework, or maybe, like him, they couldn’t get any rest whatsoever.

The air was cool and sharp. Goshiki hoped he covered up enough.

He pulled out his phone, and wondered if Koganegawa was already asleep.

He texted him; maybe they could talk for a while? That would help calm him down.

**You:**

_“You awake?”_

_“I can’t sleep”_

There was no response.

As he looked up, he noticed how the stars were barely visible, covered by the light of street lamps. Cars were passing by, and Goshiki wondered what they were doing at that hour of the night.

His phone lit up for a notification, and for a brief moment he hoped it would be Koganegawa.

And thankfully, no one was around to witness the disappointed look on his face when he saw the message was from one of his teammates. It was Kawanishi.

**Kawanishi:**

_“Goshiki, where are you??”_

_“They’re going to lock the door in like ten minutes so hurry up”_

Goshiki looked around.

Yeah, _where the hell was he?_

“Oh no. No no no no no”

He spun on himself to try and see if he recognized any familiar building, or something like that.

_Nothing._

Kawanishi texted him again, probably noticing that he was viewing the messages without replying.

**Kawanishi:**

_“You ok??”_

He was fucking lost.

How did that happen?

And most of all; why him?

He quickly tried to remember the path he took to arrive there, but he supposed he zoned out in the middle of his walk and took random streets without thinking about it.

He was starting to panic.

He lived and went to school on the opposite side of Miyagi, so he wasn’t familiar with any of the things he was seeing; he didn’t have a map and he was kind of scared to ask for information to strangers. And sure, he may be a tall and pretty muscular teenage boy, but still.

**You:**

_“Huh, I’m coming back but it might take more than 10 mins”_

**Kawanishi:**

_“What do you mean?? Where in the world are you”_

**You:**

_“… I wish I knew”_

An incoming call, from the other boy.

“Ok, how much did you walk”

“I- don’t know?? I don’t know where I am”

“You-“ he heard a laughter from the other side of the phone “Shirabu I swear to God, shut up”

Oh, great, Shirabu was there as well.

“Goshiki!!! Do you hear me?”

Anything Shirabu was saying came like a muffled sound through the phone, and still he sounded a little too amused given the circumstances.

“I do. Now can you please help me come back?”

“Oh you dumb, dumb baby”

“We’re… literally one year apart”

“Irrelevant”

“Can you lead the damn way or do you want to make fun of him all night?” Kawanishi whisper-yelled.

“Sorry, sorry. So, tell me what you see around you”

Goshiki looked around. Houses, apartment buildings, some trees, and…

“A… a fountain I think? It’s small and, uh, white”

“Oh, yeah! I know where you are. I live nearby! You’re not even that far”

“Oh, thank God”

“So, uhm… Head to the opposite direction of the fountain”

Goshiki followed the instructions. He walked for what seemed like eight or so minutes, with occasional mocks from the other two boys (at some point Kawanishi decided to join as well, for some reason), and finally reached the little building with the dorms.

His teammates were looking at him from one of the windows.

“You won the award for being the clumsiest person of the year” said Shirabu.

“Oh, shut up”

Entering the building, tiredness started to kick in. He quickly took a bottle of water from one of the vending machines, chugged half of it in one sip, went to his room and changed.

He crawled into the sheets of his futon (it was slightly itchy but eh, he could get over it) and suddenly remembered why he went for a walk in the first place.

Oh, the day after was going to be hard. Karasuno looked unstoppable.

And he wanted to be enough. He had to be enough, for his team and for his school and for everyone else. Maybe even for himself.

Becoming the ace still appeared like an unreachable obstacle, right now. Thinking about it made him feel a pit in his stomach.

He glanced at the hour. It was 11:45 PM.

Oh, fuck the nervousness. The last thing he needed was to overthink until late the day before an important match. He rolled over on the sheets, and closed his eyes.

That was a problem for future him.

He’ll manage to do it, somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'll add some more plot in the next chapter, I just don't want things to go too fast ;-;  
> Please forgive me  
> 


	15. Defeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting yesterday!!! I needed some sleep lmao

Kageyama tossed the ball.

Hinata spiked it.

But Goshiki couldn’t receive it.

Set point.

It took all of Goshiki’s strength not to fall on his knees, that suddenly felt so weak and shaky.

And maybe he was overexaggerating, but for God’s sake, they were almost there. Almost.

Karasuno was cheering, overjoyed, on the other side of the court. They were hugging each other, patting their backs. Two of the first years appeared to be crying. On the other hand, his side of the court was silent. Goshiki looked to the scoreboard, just to make sure he witnessed correctly the miserable set they just played. 25-12.

It was going so well, till that point. It had been ten times harder than the year before, without Ushiwaka by their side, but they managed somehow to beat (even if by the tiniest bit) every team in front of them. They arrived to the last match, the finals.

So what went wrong?

They gathered into a semi-circle around their coach. He was blubbering something angrily, about some extra practice they would’ve needed to do, but Goshiki wasn’t listening.

Maybe they lost because Karasuno was, indeed, unstoppable. Maybe they were just too powerful. Or maybe, it was their fault, as a team; they got weaker and weaker, and they ended up there. They didn’t even do that bad, but a defeat that heavy was sure a mouthful to handle.

Goshiki felt his eyes become wet, and his vision got blurry.

_“Oh my god not now. Not in front of the firsts years…”_

But as per usual, his body had different plans than his rational mind, and he let out a small sob before he could even help it. He covered his mouth with his hands, as he felt someone pat his back.

“Come on. We still have the nationals’ qualifications. There, there…” Shirabu slipped a hand on his waist and pulled him a little closer, his voice sounding a tiny bit higher than usual. Did he seriously look that pitiful? The only thing that made him not want to bash his head into the nearest wall in that moment, was the fact that _at least_ he wasn’t the only one who was crying. Even if to be fair, his was more of a desperate weeping. But Goshiki didn’t want to think about it.

He successfully calmed down after a while. In the changing room, they gathered everything into their bags, got onto their bus, and headed (finally) back to Shiratorizawa.

The bus ride was silent, but the air was sure as hell heavy. He felt like he could’ve been crashed by it. Someone behind him was snorting quietly, but apart from that, nobody really seemed to be asleep.

Looking out of the window, Goshiki was fighting every single voice in his head that was trying to tell him that all of that was his fault. Because they were a team, and the strongest team is the one with the strongest six players, and it was everybody’s fault after all, because they all did some mistakes that lead to that outcome. And still, if he could’ve just been able to receive that last ball…

His phone buzzed in his jacket’s pocket. He considered to ignore it; but it buzzed again, and then again after a while, so he just gave up and pulled it out to check it.

It was Koganegawa.

**Kogane <3:**

_“Hey”_

_“You’re heading home, right???”_

_“I uhhh watched the match on tv”_

**You:**

_“Great”_

He didn’t want to be rude, he really didn’t. But it felt even more frustrating to know that Koganegawa watched him fail miserably on live TV, and he felt much more humiliated than before.

**Kogane <3:**

_“I know you’rw probably gonna be tired and all butttt”_

_“Can I treat you to dinner tonight??”_

_“So we can idk, shit talk about Kageyama and take your mind off things?”_

Sometimes Goshiki thought Koganegawa was just too nice for this world. Oh, what did he do to deserve him?

**You:**

_“Are you sure you want to deal with me all night?”_

_“I’m in a bad mood and I’m not exactly nice and fun to be around rn”_

**Kogane <3:**

_“Nothing out of the ordinary then”_

_“No wait that was uncalled for”_

**You:**

_“Yeah, it was”_

_“But, alright. Tell me when and where, and I’ll be there”_

**Kogane <3:**

_“I’ll pick you up at Shiratorizawa at 7 or so”_

**You:**

_“Alright”_

_“Thank you”_

**Kogane <3:**

_“No problem!!”_

Goshiki exhaled deeply. Knowing that Koganegawa was willing to go out of his way just to make him feel a little better… damn, too many conflicting emotions in one single day. Not fair.

Even though, he knew Dateko had been as well defeated by Karasuno just the day before, so it was probably a win-win situation for the both of them.

(Still, it wasn’t fair. Not only he was hoping to face Dateko that day on the final match, but Koganegawa didn’t shed a single damn tear after their loss. When Goshiki tried to ask him how he was feeling, he brushed it off as “not a big deal” so he didn’t push that conversation any further).

After a while, the bus stopped in front of the campus. Goshiki got off of it, pretended for the second time that day to listen to his coach giving instructions on how hard their practices were going to be from that moment on, and then rushed to his dorm room. He wanted to escape that depressing atmosphere that was surrounding his teammates.

And maybe a nice shower would’ve done some wonders to him, and would’ve lightened up his mood or something (spoiler: it very much did not).

He carried himself around the room, trying to chose something to wear, and he absent-mindedly styled his hair. And don’t get him wrong, it’s not like he didn’t want to see Koganegawa. He just wasn’t feeling like going out; he wanted to curl under his bed sheets and fall unconscious for a while, because he suddenly felt like the weight of the whole world was dropped onto his shoulders.

He finished getting ready and looked at the hour: 6:47 PM. Eh, just in time. He put on a scarf (it was super chilly that day, and the last thing he wanted was to catch a cold) and walked out of his room.

He arrived to the gates, and waited of a couple of minutes, just standing there. His gaze was low, so he didn’t realize Koganegawa was approaching him until he shouted his name from the other side of the road. He chuckled to himself; he was loud as always.

“Goshiki!! Hey!”

He crossed the street, ran towards him and trapped him in a hug; then, he lifted him up and spun around before putting him down again.

Goshiki laughed tiredly, resting his forehead on his shoulder and closing his eyes. He didn’t feel the icy breeze, in his arms, just a nice warmth spreading from his very chest. And oh, why did he always have to be so sloppy?

“Hey, was what that for?”

“I don’t know, I just got carried away. Sorry”

They giggled.

They broke away from the embrace, and just in that moment Goshiki noticed how lightly dressed was the other boy. He was wearing only a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and an open hoodie.

“God, aren’t you cold?”

Koganegawa looked at himself with a confused look on his face, then back at Goshiki.

“Huh? No, why?”

“… Never mind. So, where are we going? I’m starting to get kind of hungry”

“Be honest, you accepted my invitation just because you wanted a free dinner”

The exact contrary, actually; but Koganegawa didn’t need to know that.

“Oh no, you caught me. How nasty of me, to take advantage of your immense kindness”

“Stop that, or my ego risks growing even bigger than it already is. And by the way, sorry to break this to you, but I’m not taking you to one of those fancy places. We’re going somewhere cheap”

“Meh, yeah, I can bear that”

“Great! Let’s go!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, new chapter. I slit it in two parts, I'll post the other one tomorrow  
> Btw can you tell I'm a sucker for that cute couple dynamic where one of them is always cold asf while the other one is always warm?  
> 


	16. Don't Rush Things

Entering the place, Goshiki was welcomed by a nice warmth. Koganegawa and him didn’t even need to walk that long.

Finally, his poor hands were starting to unfreeze: he regretted he didn’t brought a pair of gloves, since after like five minutes walking he started to feel his sense of touch abandoning him.

“Oh, I think I’ve been there before”, said as he looked around. The orangish light was accompanied by the murmur of the few people in there (it was a pretty small place, to be honest), but they managed to occupy a table by the window. It felt all very intimate, Goshiki realized, feeling a little more at ease.

A waitress came by after a while, and they both ordered a bowl of ramen. Not that they had much choice to begin with, anyway.

“It’s nice here. At least, I’m not freezing anymore”

“It’s not even that cold, come on”

“You’re kidding me”

“I’m not! I genuinely don’t understand”

“Are you some kind of reptile or something?”

“No, I thinks those are just some of the perks of being 193 centimetres tall. The cons are that I often bump my head on the doors’ jambs. But little guys like you could never understand such struggle”

He brought his hand to cover his face in a dramatic motion. Goshiki giggled.

“We’re not even that far apart in height! Besides, your parents are so petite, it’s hard to believe you’re even their biological son”

“I know right? I used to ask them if I was adopted all the time, because I didn’t believe it either. I hit 175 centimetres when I was about 12 and a half”

“Holy crap”

Their food arrived pretty quickly.

Looking at it, Goshiki realized just how hungry he had been. He ate the whole bowl in record time, like his life depended on it (it tasted kind of cheap, to be honest, but he couldn’t care less). Koganegawa, instead, took his time. He carried every conversation, and he looked like he had a lot to talk about. He kept swinging his chopsticks in the air, making exaggerated hands motions to better prove his points.

He looked pretty. Goshiki would eventually add something to the conversation, but he did most of the listening. It’s not like he had much to talk about, anyways.

“Do we really have to go out there again? It’s hot in here…” he complained after the other boy finally finished eating, and suggested to pay and take a walk outside.

“Come on, we can’t monopolize the table for the whole night”

“But my legs hurt”

“Mine do too. I played yesterday as well, you know?”

Goshiki groaned, and stoop up of his seat, followed by a happy Koganegawa with a smirk on his face.

He payed for them both as he promised, and they got out of the restaurant. A shiver made his way through Goshiki’s spine: the air got colder, while they were having dinner.

They walked in silence for a while. Every so often, Koganegawa would made a comment about something or someone, and that would be it; after a while, they fell in a comfortable hush. As it kept getting darker and darker, Goshiki started to feel the tiredness kick in: even if Shiratorizawa lost 2-0, he still slogged a lot, that day.

Which made him even more mad, because what right did he have to be so weary if he didn’t even get a proper result out of it?

As they were passing by the park, he noticed a small bench on the side of the road, under a street lamp. There were few people around. He grabbed Koganegawa by the hoodie, and pointed at said bench.

“Can we sit there?”

“Uh? Yeah, sure”

Sitting down, he finally felt his muscles relax a little; and that was enough to make him sleepy. He rested his head on Koganegawa’s shoulder, who was sitting just next to him.

He heard the other boy snicker.

“Are you tired?”

“Mmmh, yeah”

Tucked in his scarf, he felt like he could fall asleep. He closed his eyes.

Then, Koganegawa spoke.

“Hey. How are you feeling?”

Goshiki opened his eyes ever so slightly, and sighed. He hoped he wouldn’t have to talk about it.

“Do you want the nice answer or the honest answer?”

“Honest answer”

“I’m so fucking angry”

Koganegawa shifted on his seat.

“Yeah, I kind of figured that part out”

“We were almost there… we literally sucked”

“Not true! You did some pretty epic moves”

“They were not enough. Plus, I kept serving out of the damn lines”

He appreciated at least Koganegawa’s attempt to cheer him up.

“I felt helpless. And you know what makes me even more mad?”

“What?”

“That right now I want to yell, and break things, and run till I can’t feel my legs anymore, and receive a million balls. But I’m too tired to do any of those things,” he sighed again “which makes me feel even more helpless”

Koganegawa remained silent for a while. Goshiki looked at him out of the corner of his eye – his gaze was low.

“You know, I think in a couple of days you’ll be fine”

“Mh?”

“I mean, it’s depressing seeing you like this, you know? And I guess the rest of your team has this aura, too”

Well, he was right, actually.

“But the next big tournament we’ll have to face are the nationals’ qualifications. We’ll have to deal with Karasuno again. At least, one of us will. And maybe we’ll even face each other, who knows? Either way, you have time. Time to beat everyone. Don’t rush things; you don’t need to do everything right now, understand?”

He leant his head on Goshiki’s, eyes still fixated on the floor.

Yet again, Goshiki felt his eyes blurry. But it probably was a mix of frustration, and tiredness, and all the emotions he felt that day. He blinked a couple of times and chased them away.

“You’re right”

“Yeah, it’s kind of my thing. I’m always right”

“Oh, is it that hard not to ruin the moment for five damn seconds?”

Koganegawa laughed loudly, and Goshiki smiled. His hands twitched.

“Sorry! Hey, but you’ll be really tired. I’ll accompany you back to Shiratorizawa, so you can rest”

He was, indeed, very fucking tired.

“Mmmh, alright”

Koganegawa stood up, leaving him a tiny bit colder than before. Unwillingly, he got up too, and they headed off to his dorms.

He felt a little better. While walking, Goshiki gazed at the other boy. And he felt so, so lucky.

Maybe he fell in love for a reason, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goshiki boy is mad asf but at least Koganegawa is nice  
> 


	17. Old and Wise

The winter break came, eventually. The first part of Goshiki’s second year of high school went by pretty quickly (maybe a little too quickly). But somehow, he managed to keep it together all the time.

The last semester had been… a little harder than he thought. Shiratorizawa’s loss was a hard one to overcome, and the whole volleyball team’s mood had been insanely down for a couple of weeks after that. But eventually, they fell into their usual routine and got over it.

 _“Don’t rush things”_ , he kept reminding himself.

His grades had been… eh, he could’ve done better, but he was just to absorbed in everything that was happening to care more. And he felt a little guilty about it, to be honest; the last thing he wanted was for his parents to spend that amount of money for his education just to watch him fail miserably all of his classes.

And speaking of his parents: his dad had announced he’d come home to visit him for Christmas. Not very exciting news, but he could bear him for a day or two. It’s not like he was on bad terms with his father, but he still hadn’t fully forgiven him for leaving his wife and his kid like that (not that he could’ve done much about it, but still). Nine-year-old him was not positively impacted by that experience.

But Goshiki really didn’t hold any grudge.

So now there he was, packing his things with the perspective in mind of going back home.

And let me tell you, it was not a very exciting perspective.

His dad apart, there was still that itty bitty problem regarding his mum. He tried to work on himself, because he truly wished he’s be able one day to come out without having to be so frightened about it. But in reality, he still had a long way to go. The greatest achievement he attained until that moment, were the couple of jokes he’d been able to crack with Koganegawa about how “he was too damn gay for that” – to which the other boy responded with a genuine laughter, thank God. It wasn’t much, but at least it was something.

So, the day prior, he decided to ask again for help in hopes of understanding what the fuck he needed to do.

And just like that, he found himself yet again in Shirabu’s mercy. He asked him if he could come to his dorm that day, after practice, because he needed to talk. And so there they were.

“Your room is surprisingly blank, Goshiki” said as he entered and sat on the bed “but that is a nice drawing you’ve got there. I didn’t know you drew”

He pointed at the sheet of paper that was attached with a pin on the cork board, just above his desk. It was Koganegawa’s drawing. Goshiki liked it so much, he decided to hang it so he could see it anytime he wanted.

“I, uh- I don’t draw”

Shirabu looked at him, processed something and widened his eyes at once. Oh no, he knew where this was going.

“Are you telling me that Angry Bird Boy made that for y-“

“We’re not here to talk about him!”

“Seriously Goshiki, I love you and all but how the hell aren’t you two together yet?!”

“It’s a drawing! It’s not that big of a deal!”

“He literally spent hours of his life imagining your stupid bowl-cut and thinking about your damn face and you have the courage to tell me that this is supposed to be all platonic?!”

“Well… Yeah?”

“Oh my God. Oh my God you are so dense”

“I’m not- he’s just a really nice guy, get it? And now please can I tell you why I wanted to talk to you?”

“Sure, whatever. Go on”

Goshiki breathed a sigh of relief and sat down on the bed next to him.

“You know, in a couple of days we’re going to have to go back home”

“Ah, yeah. So what?”

He gazed at his hands, and started tapping nervously his foot onto the ground.

“Well… I’ll have to see my mum again. And I’m- I’m not really sure on how to act around her”

“Is it still because of your coming out thing?”

“Yes… and I know I’m annoying and repetitive and it isn’t really a big deal because I could just stay quiet, since she doesn’t suspect anything, but still… I don’t know, I just have this voice in the back of my head that keeps screaming that this is unfair. That she should know”

Shirabu exhaled deeply.

“You know… coming out to people is one thing, but coming out to your own parents is a completely different one. And I really don’t mean to scare you, but as rotten as it sounds, you should act as careful as possible about it”

“I… yeah, I figured that out”

“Good. But, if you think your mum will be chill about it, I say: go for it. Just do it. You won’t regret it”

“Did you regret it?”

The other boy turned around to face him, his eyebrows suddenly drawn together. Ah, maybe he overstepped.

“Wait, no. I’m so-“

“I regretted it, at first”

Goshiki stopped talking, his eyes fixated on Shirabu. The room fell quiet for a few moments.

“My father, eh, he didn’t quite understand. It took time. And we still aren’t there. But, it got better; we made a progress”

“Can I, uh, ask what happened?”

“I told him I was gay, and he stared at me for fifteen solid seconds before asking me if it was his fault for doing something wrong while raising me”

“… Oh my God”

“But- Goshiki, look at me”

He took both of Goshiki’s cheeks in his hands, and looked at him in the eye.

“All of this? Not fair. It’s not fair that we have to deal with all of those things. It’s not fair that we have to live in fear, because we don’t want our loved ones to reject us. And it may sound contradictory to what I told you before, but that’s why we need to walk with our heads held high. That’s what Gay Pride is for. So, do it. I’m here to support you, Angry Bird Boy is here to support you, we are all here to support you. Take your time, but do it. You’ll do great. I promise”

“Why do you have so much faith in me?” he said, with his face still cupped in Shirabu’s hands.

“Because everyone is capable of doing it. Even you. Just, be careful, please; the last thing I want is for you to live in a toxic or abusive household, understand?”

“Yeah…”

Shirabu let go of his face and took Goshiki’s hands in his own.

“I believe in you. You’re stronger than you think, I promise”

He didn’t feel strong at all. Not by any means. But Shirabu talked with such conviction, he might have started to believe him. He felt like he could allow himself to take it just a little bit slower, now. Just a little.

_“Don’t rush things”_

“... Thank you. I think I get it now”

“Good” he released his hands “I always wanted to be like, the old and wise homosexual that would one day teach some baby homosexual how to walk on their own. It’s basically my main goal in life”

“… Should I be reassured by that?”

“Of course! Because I’m old and wise!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... I honestly have no idea what the hell this is supposed to be  
> But whatever  
> Have a nice day  
> 


	18. Agony

Goshiki looked at himself in the mirror, just to make sure his outfit was okay. He sighed heavily; his father was going to be there any moment now. His mum told him to dress at least a little nicely, so he tried his best to put together a fit that didn’t make him look like he was being forced to do all of this. Except that he was.

He had to turn down Koganegawa, who asked him if he wanted to hang out that day; and that made him even more upset about it.

But it was going to be okay. It was just one day and one night. The next morning, his father would take his things and go away.

Sometimes, Goshiki wondered why he still came to visit them. It’s not like he really cared about him, or else he would’ve at least tried to know him better. He really didn’t know anything about him. And for sure he wasn’t coming to see him mum, since you know, he divorced her. So why?

Was it pity? Guilt? Decency?

Whatever the answer was, Goshiki didn’t get the chance to think about it. He heard the doorbell ring, and immediately his mum yelled for him to come downstairs.

Slowly, he turned off his phone, shoved it into his pocket and reached their living room. And there he was, his father. He had his same dark hair, but he was noticeably slenderer and shorter. He always looked so tired, anytime he came, with his dark eyebags. But at least he had the decency to dress nicely.

“Hi, Tsutomu. It’s been a while”

“Hey dad”

Goshiki sat on the sofa, far from him, faking a smile and shifting uncomfortably as he cleared his throat. He heard his mother in the kitchen rummaging in the cupboards, and hoped he would at least get something to eat – it didn’t seem lie they were going to talk a lot that day.

“It’s nice to see you again. You’ve grown taller”

“Yeah. I’ve, uh, built some muscles playing volleyball”

“Oh, you still play volleyball?”

_“As if I didn’t tell you just last year that volleyball is literally my dream career”_

“Yep”

“How nice!”

Goshiki’s mum came rushing into the living room, with some cookies and three cups of tea. Her and his father exchanged a painfully long gaze, as she entered the room, and Goshiki felt the need to sulk into the fabric of the sofa.

He really wondered sometimes why his parents split apart. The few resemblances he had of them, were happy. So, what happened? He tried to ask his mum a couple of times before, but she always evaded the question and never really gave him a clear answer. So he stopped pushing on it.

Still, there has always been this weird atmosphere between the two of them. Like they always had something to say to each other, but never quite said it.

“I’ve got you something to eat. It pretty cold outside, you know?”

She let out an awkward giggle.

Goshiki hated this.

They sat in silence for a while, sipping from their cups, before his father started yet again another agonizing conversation about job, and school, and life perspectives or something. Goshiki was just half listening, absorbed in the thought of where he could’ve been in that moment if he just accepted to hang out with Koganegawa.

He was trying his best, he really was, but he’d never been good at focusing in situations he found boring. Or uncomfortable.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, as his mother was talking about something from her work. Before looking at it, Goshiki couldn’t help but notice how his parents acted as if they were coworkers. As if they were out on a fancy dinner for a job application, or something like that. They looked like complete strangers.

It was so hard to believe they once were really in love. Goshiki wanted to believe that not every relationship would’ve ended like theirs. It was… brutal. Unreal. He didn’t want to feel something like that, ever.

How can two people go from being lovers to just… forget each other like that? From a hundred to zero?

He shook his head. It wasn’t the right time to think about it. First, the damn message – and of course, it was Koganegawa.

**Kogane <3:**

_“Heyyyyy!!!! Hows the family reunion going?”_

**You:**

_“Just please get me out of here”_

_“I don’t think I can bear this any longer”_

_“They are so tense”_

**Kogane <3:**

_“Aw, I’m sorry to hear that :(“_

_“May I entertain you with some cat pics in these tiring times?”_

**You:**

_“Please go on”_

Goshiki smiled to himself. He needed some cat pics.

At some point, he started to wonder where the hell did Koganegawa find all those pictures of cats: after five minutes, Goshiki was pretty sure the other boy had an endless supply of those.

Then, his father noticed him smiling like a damn idiot on the phone.

“Who are you talking to?”

Goshiki stuttered, haven completely forgotten that he should’ve paid a little attention to the conversation. He immediately turned off his phone.

_"Good job Tsutomu. Woah"_

“Ah, that’s- I’m talking to one, uh, my friend”

“I didn’t know-“ he looked at him as if to say ‘I didn’t know you had a friend’, but immediately regretted his poor choice of words.

“I mean-“

“I met him some months ago, you don’t know him”

“Ah, Koganegawa?” said his mother with a happy look on her face.

“Yep. Him”

“I’m glad to know you made some friends. Does he play volleyball with you?”

“He’s in another team, actually”

That conversation, at least, flowed quite well between the three of them. Koganegawa was a life saver, and probably the answer to any problem in Goshiki’s life at this point.

The day eventually went by. Very slowly and very painfully, but it went by. They had dinner – a silent, depressing dinner - and his father retired into the spare room.

Goshiki did the same; closing his bedroom door behind him, he let out an exasperated sigh.

He didn’t dislike his father that much, after all. He wasn’t a bad man. Looking back, he just wished he could’ve been there for him, and most of all for his mother. She had looked so distressed, that day.

But hey, it was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm sorry if those chapters are kinda boring but I swear they're relevant to the plot!!!  
> Next one will be more interesting I promise  
> Sorry :(  
> Anyway it's 1:24 here so good night y'all  
> 


	19. Sinking

Goshiki was absentmindedly scribbling something on a paper in his poetry folder. That day, his father would’ve gone away, so he was going to meet up with Koganegawa – which was a much more exciting perspective.

Speaking of Koganegawa: in the end, he decided to take his drawing and put it in the folder among his poems. He didn’t want his mum to ask questions like Shirabu did; but he would be lying if he denied the fact that he took a look at it every time he got the chance.

It just… made him so happy. It was stupid.

He put down the pen, and went to look for the drawing again. You know, just to make sure it was still there.

Then, he heard his mother calling him from downstairs.

“Tsutomu! Your dad’s leaving, come here! Quick!”

Goshiki shoved the pen into his pencil case, and tossed hurriedly the folder into his closet.

It wasn’t going to be a very heartbreaking goodbye, but still.

“And I swear Kogane”, said Goshiki while walking towards the usual coffee shop “he looked at me dead in the eyes and asked me if I still played volleyball! Like, no shit Sherlock”

Koganegawa laughed loudly, lifting his head to the ceiling.

“Come on!! Just give him another chance, he looks like he’s trying!”

“But he’s not! It makes me mad, when I think about it”

“Don’t be so harsh. I’m sure it would’ve been worse if he remained with you, trapped in a life he didn’t want. It could’ve ended badly”

“Yeah, but still…”

They sat down on a table for two, in the very back of the place. Goshiki sighed, taking the menu and pretending to choose what to order (as if he didn’t always order the same drink).

“I just wish he could’ve been there for me more, you know? I see him like, twice a year when I’m lucky”

“Eh, I can’t really understand but I guess it must not be very fun”

A waiter came and took their orders.

“But you still have your mum, right? From what you told me, she’s pretty cool”

“She’s the bravest woman I’ve ever known. It’s thanks to her that I don’t feel lonely all the time, since my sister left”

“Does your father visit her too?”

“Nope. He texts her happy birthday once a year, and that’s it”

“Ah…”

“But, let’s talk about something else. I’m already sick of talking about him”

“Yeah, yeah, alright”

After a while, their orders came. Goshiki’s tasted awfully, as always, but he got used to that sickening bitterness and just learned to play it off. His only joy was the embarrassing amount of whipped cream on top of his drink. But if this place made Koganegawa happy, it was worth it.

Besides, it made him happy, too. Over time, he unconsciously started to find comfort in there.

Koganegawa, in the meantime, was talking a little too passionately about some geometric theorem he couldn’t really wrap his mind around for some reason. In the young afternoon light, he looked so soft, Goshiki noticed.

His hair was shining, his eyes were glowing. From time to time, he would wrinkle his nose, doing that ridiculously adorable tic he had, and damn; Goshiki was too gay for this. His poor heart wouldn’t have been able to take it any longer.

Sometimes, he imagined how their hands would feel if they were to be interlocked with one another. He was a sucker for romance, he just couldn’t help it. And as corny as it may sound, that was the truth. Oh, he could’ve stared at the other boy forever.

_“Wait, what the fuck?”_

He snapped back to reality, realizing he _had been fucking staring the entire time._

He shifted his position nervously, hoping the other boy didn’t notice. His hands twitched a little, under the table.

Thankfully, Koganegawa was still in the middle of his explanation of plane geometry. He looked so absorbed.

_“Get a load of yourself, for God’s sake”_

“Have you already studied it?? Because I swear I’m trying my best, but it’s just so hard!”

“Huh? Erm, no, I didn’t study it yet. Sorry”

Koganegawa sighed.

“It’s fine… I guess I’ll have to kick my probably-ADHD in the ass tomorrow and try to understand it on my own”

“Uh, do you think you’ll get diagnosed soon?”

“In a month or two, probably. I’m just waiting for the day of the test to come up. Then, it’ll take just a few hours”

“That’s good to hear”

“Yeah… I just hope I didn’t make my family spend a shit ton of money to discover that I’m jut lazy or straight up stupid”

“Hey, don’t say that!”

Goshiki stuck out his arm, and snapped his fingers on Koganegawa’s forehead with a tiny smirk on his face.

“Ouch!”

“You deserved it” he pulled his arm back.

“This will never be a waste of money, understand? We’re talking about you and your health, and you deserve to know. Besides, you are already really stupid so it’s no big deal anyway”

Koganegawa gasped in outrage.

“You take that back!”

“Make me”

They looked at each other for a long moment, before bursting into a bubbly laughter.

“Come on! That was mean”

“Sorry, sorry”

They were both smiling, and Goshiki’s chest felt fuzzy.

He was so, so lucky to have Koganegawa.

After another hour spent colonizing the little table in the coffee shop, mocking each other as if they were six-years-olds with clear self-esteem issues, they finally decided it was time for them to leave.

Goshiki insisted to pay the bill for the both of them, and then they decided to walk for a while around the town before going home.

As they got out, the winter air stung on Goshiki’s cheeks, and the tip of his nose became red. That year it had yet to snow, but he didn’t mind: he enjoyed the feeble heat of the sun.

The concerning thing, actually, was the fact that it was like 7 degrees outside, and Koganegawa had still the audacity to come out of his house without any scarf or gloves of any kind. He only ever wore an old red beanie, and it didn’t even cover his ears properly because he insisted to put it in a way so that his dumb three tufts on his forehead would be still visible. Goshiki feared him sometimes.

Eventually, they arrived to Goshiki’s place – the other boy always insisted to walk him home, for some reason.

They exchanged a long hug, Koganegawa making him swing back and forth for twenty solid seconds before letting go, and then he headed off to his house.

Goshiki entered his front door with a smile on his lips, and a stupid lovestruck expression on his face.

“I’m home!” he yelled as he took off his shoes.

Nobody answered. He checked the hour, just to make sure that him mum had already come home. And she should’ve been home by now.

Something was off.

“Mum?”

A moment of silence.

“Tsutomu, can you please come here?”

A voice called him from the kitchen. Oh, for a moment he got worried.

He peered through the door of his kitchen, to see what his mother wanted to tell him.

And his stomach _sunk._

Sitting on the table, there was his mum, the folder containing all of his poems in her hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some plot!  
> This fic is really messing up my sleep schedule help  
> 


	20. I'm Sorry

Goshiki froze on the spot for a moment, his eyes wide. His stomach flipped.

“No”, he said under his breath.

His mother looked up from the folder, wearing a mortified expression on her face.

“No no no no no-“

He rushed forward, and took his poems from his mum’s hands; he pressed them against his chest. He wanted to scream.

“How much did you read!?”

His voice was nothing more than a whisper, and he sounded like he was out of breath. This wasn’t right – it was not the right time, not the right place, Goshiki wasn’t ready.

“… Everything”

Goshiki’s hands began to tremble. He took a step backwards, then another one, and supported his weight on the wall behind him.

His mum didn’t speak in a hard voice; she sounded calm. But her face said everything Goshiki needed to know.

His eyes started to sting, but he tried to chase the tears away.

_“Not now. Please, not now”_

He gulped the knot in his throat, and cleared his voice.

“I… you weren’t… supposed to find out like th-“

“Tsutomu”

Goshiki jumped on the spot. No, this was all wrong. His mother never talked like that.

“Are you gay?”

“I’m… I’m not gay, mum”

“You said you liked boys”

“I- first of all, you shouldn’t have looked through my stuff in the first place, and-“

She got up from her seat, and walked towards him. He immediately stiffened.

“Tsutomu. You know I love you and I always will” no, bad news. Nothing good could’ve come out of that situation.

Goshiki felt again the tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

“But… aren’t you a little too young to know it? I mean… I can and will support you, because you’re my son and I love you, but… you’re sixteen”

He was terrified. He wasn’t really sure why, or by what, but he felt his chest tight and his head spinning, and oh my God, what on earth made him decide that keeping a folder with his poems would’ve been a good idea? He should’ve thrown them away, or maybe he should’ve just never decided to write poems in the first place. Or at least, not the ones that were too personal.

“Mum I-“ he felt his voice cracking. He wanted to yell. He wanted to shout that no, he wasn’t gay and no, he wasn’t too young to know, but his voice wouldn’t come out.

“I’m sorry”, he said instead. His mum stared at him, and he felt like he was about to burst into crying.

He needed to get out of there.

“Why are you ap-“

He didn’t let her finish. He rushed out of the kitchen, to the entrance, put on his shoes (without even bothering to tie the laces), and slammed his front door open. He walked out as fast as he could.

His head was spinning, his hands were shaking, and he was pretty sure he was crying at that point.

_“What the fuck did I just do?”_

Goshiki pulled out his phone, still walking around without knowing where to go. So of course, one person in particular came in his mind.

**You:**

_“Kigane”_

_“My mum found thw poems”_

_“Wgat the fuxk do I do”_

_“I ran out pf thr house”_

He couldn’t fucking type a sentence that made sense. He still had the folder in one hand, the other one was trembling, and he didn’t see shit. Great.

**Kogane <3:**

_“What the fuck”_

_“Where are you”_

**You:**

_“I don’t know”_

An incoming call from the other boy lit up his phone. He was still walking around; he must’ve been looking pathetic, sniffling so loudly that probably everyone in a fifty metres radius could tell he was weeping.

“Goshiki, what happened?” said Koganegawa in a concerned voice, as soon as he picked up.

“She found out” his voice cracked once again. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. There was a moment of silence.

“Oh my God. You, uh, you really have to calm down now-“ he said with an urgent tone “because you can’t talk like this and you should really explain me the situation”

“I’m sorry”, he let out another sob “I know I’m overexaggerating and… I’m so sorry”

“Stop apologizing”

Goshiki wiped the tears away.

He was so, so frustrated. It was his fault. What the fuck was he thinking when he said “I’m sorry” to his mum? He could’ve explained the situation and maybe everything now would be good. But oh, he got so scared he forgot how to talk.

“Can you tell me where you are? I’ll come there”

Goshiki looked around. He rubbed his eyes, blinked a couple of times, and tried to get the surroundings into focus.

“I’m, uh, I’m still near my house… ah, I think the grocery store should be here somewhere”

“I’m on my way. Wait for me, I’ll be there in five minutes”

He heard Koganegawa putting on his shoes from the other side of the phone, and then what seemed like the sound of keys clinking together. He felt a wake of guilt washing his entire body.

“You… don’t have to do this. I’m sorry I bothered you for no reason and I-“

“Nonsense” Koganegawa cut him short “You really have to stop that habit of yours of blaming yourself for everything, got it? And stop apologizing”

Then, he spoke in a softer voice.

“Tsutomu. You don’t bother me. I want to help, and as your friend I’m not letting you wander around the town while you cry your eyes out”

Goshiki heard his footsteps from the phone. He was so, so cold – and maybe that was because he forgot to bring a jacket when he ran out of the house. He couldn’t get together one coherent thought.

The people passing by were staring at him. He was sure of it. But Koganegawa kept trying to reassure him on his way there. He ran out of breath at some point, since he was definitely running, but hearing that he was still there with him made him calm down a little. At least, he stopped sobbing.

He spotted Koganegawa’s dyed head just as he turned the corner. The other boy was breathing heavily, his face was red; as soon as he looked around, he found Goshiki and exhaled in relief.

He ran towards him, hanging up on the call, and as soon as he got close enough he cupped both of his cheeks with his hands.

“Goshiki oh my God, there you are”

Goshiki’s eyes were still wet. He sniffled again, and crawled into Koganegawa’s arms. He held him tightly.

“Hey. Let’s go to my place, mh? You’ll have to talk a little”

Goshiki nodded.

They stayed like this for a while. Goshiki didn’t pull away, and neither did Koganegawa (thankfully), which began rubbing the back of his neck gently. Goshiki leaned into the touch. No, he couldn’t be too young to know. His mum was wrong.

Because that thing he felt, he didn’t even know how to begin to describe it to her. But it was always there, and it was stronger than ever. He felt too much for it to be just a phase.

“Let’s go”, said Goshiki after a while.

He pulled out, and they silently headed to Koganegawa’s home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Sorry for not posting yesterday, everything I wrote was shit and I was feeling really down so I deleted half on the chapter and wrote it today.  
> I still don't quite like it but meh.  
> 


	21. Disappointment

Goshiki entered the familiar room, immediately greeted by the sight of the pink walls and the drawings still scattered all over the place. He left his folder on Koganegawa’s desk, then plopped on his bed and brought his knees to his chest. Koganegawa peered from the door a while after he did, with a little, timid smile on his face.

“My parents say that you can stay over for dinner, but I’m afraid you’ll have to go home for the night. Your mum must be at least a little worried”

Goshiki opened his mouth, ready to apologize for the hundredth time that day, but immediately stopped himself; if he dared to apologize once more, Koganegawa would probably hit him unconscious with the nearest chair.

“Thank you”, he said instead.

The other boy sat on the bed, next to him, their arms touching. His hair looked like it glowed, bathed by the golden light that came from the window. Goshiki found him just… too pretty.

“Hey. Tell me what happened”

Now that he calmed down a little, Goshiki understood just what a dumb thing he did. Not exactly what he would call a power move. He sighed, and shifted just a tiny bit closer to Koganegawa, as to seek some kind of comfort.

“When I went home, my mum called me in the kitchen”

The scene played again in his head.

“She was sitting at the table, with the poems in her hands” he gestured vaguely at said object.

“She said… She said she read everything. And… she, uh, still wanted to support me… if I was gay…”

“That’s awesome!”

“She told me that- that she thinks I’m too young to actually know it”

Goshiki tightened his grip around his knees.

“And I couldn’t talk, Kogane” he exhaled heavily, his eyes became again blurred for a second “I couldn’t bring myself to say a single word. I stared at her as she said those things. And I wanted to explain, I swear I wanted to explain her how things were, but my body didn’t react. I felt so scared for no reason at all”

“I’m pretty sure it’s a normal reaction, to being outed so sudden-“

“Kanji. I apologized to her”

Koganegawa dropped silent for a moment. And Goshiki looked away, ashamed; _disappointed._

It was always the disappointment. In himself, in his actions, in his performances on court… Sometimes he wondered, how could he feel on top of the world one moment and then the moment right after feel like he was carrying the weight of the sky on his back? That afternoon had been so good. He was so, so happy.

And what about now?

He was sitting on the bed of the guy he loved, telling him just how much of a coward he had been. And the worst part was that all of this was his fault, and his fault only.

He felt Koganegawa moving from his seat, so he looked up; the other boy had placed himself right in front of him, kneeling down on the floor. He took his shoulders and squeezed them lightly.

“It’s okay. Everything’s okay, and I’m not letting you blame yourself for this. Understand? If you weren’t ready, you weren’t ready. She shouldn’t have gone through your stuff, first of all; but most importantly” Koganegawa placed a hand on Goshiki’s temple “you are still working on it and I’m still so proud of you. You’ll do better from now on, I’m sure”

Goshiki looked down, avoiding Koganegawa’s gaze; the latter then got up and placed himself again beside him, on the bed, just a little closer than he was before, leaning his weight on Goshiki.

“You’ll get through this. And then you’ll feel better than before”

“It’s hard to believe it now, but thank you”

They fell silent for a while. The quiet of the room was comforting, and the setting sun that was now fading into blue was flooding in the room, projecting long shadows around. Goshiki didn’t want to go home. He wanted to stay like this forever, he wanted to do nothing for the rest of his days. And still, he spoke.

“Kogane” he said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Do your parents know about… well, about you being bisexual?”

“Uhh, I think the amount of drawings about it that I’ve made during those last two years had made them figure it out. We never talked about it, though. I’m pretty sure that if one day I’ll bring home a boyfriend, they would have the same reaction as if I brought home a girlfriend. I think they don’t care”

“… That’s so nice”

“It is! I love them, I really do”

“They’re lovely people. I wonder why you turned out this way, then”

“What is this, national Insult-Kanji-Day?? I’m deeply offended”

Koganegawa turned away from him, wearing a prominent pout on his face. Sometimes Goshiki couldn’t help but ask himself if the other boy got offended for real or if he was just joking. The pout looked too real, it was not fair.

He felt just a tiny bit better.

“I offer you my immense kindness and this is how you repay me! You ungrateful little brat!”

“Come on, I was joking! I’m glad to have you, you know? I would’ve been drown in tears by now if it wasn’t for you”

Koganegawa looked at him from the corner of his eye, apparently satisfied by his response.

“Way better”, he said with a bright smile “But still…”

He turned around, and grinned. Looking Goshiki in the eye, he literally _threw himself_ over him. 

_“Oh no”_

_The fucking tickling_. Again. Goshiki should’ve never revealed this weakness of his.

He started laughing immediately.

“NOT- NOT FAIR, COME ON”

“Mh, I don’t care. I’m going to dispel that sad expression on your face, whether by my enviable sense of humor, or by torture”

Goshiki was wheezing, trying to deflect Koganegawa’s hands, but boy was he helpless.

“STOP I- I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE S-TOP”

“Nope!”

He felt his face become redder by the second. Oh, how much he hated tickling.

“YOU AND THAT- THAT STUPID GRIN- JUST LET ME GO”

Koganegawa pretended to think about it, stopping himself and finally letting Goshiki breathe. He wiped some tears from the corner of his eyes. And rolled to his side, keeping his poor belly away from any further tickling.

A small smile was placed on his lips, and it didn’t seem to intend leaving soon.

_“On top of the world, the weight of the sky, and then on top of the world again”_

When he was sure that Koganegawa wouldn’t try to tickle him any more than he already did (probably satisfied by the new expression on his face), he sat up and looked at the other boy. Koganegawa stared back, the corners of his mouth still upwards.

_He wanted to kiss him._

Then, a voice shook him out of his mesmerized state.

“Tsutomu! Kanji! Come, dinner’s ready!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT 1000 HITS?? WHAT THE HELL  
> Also if you couldn't tell, Koganegawa likes to tickle people because he knows it's annoying  
> 


	22. The Talk

Dinner went by quicker than Goshiki had initially wished for. He remained silent throughout most of it, to be honest, and let the Koganegawas talk. They sure were loud as hell, maybe too lively, but it was fine. They were a splendid family.

After dinner, he took his folder from Koganegawa’s desk. He knew he had to leave, and he didn’t want to bother till late. Koganegawa stepped in the room right after him, but halted on the door, looking at every moment Goshiki made carefully.

“You’re already going?”

“Yeah, I… I think I need to go”

“Do you plan to talk to her?”

Looking down at his feet, he knew what he had to do.

“Yeah. We need to clarify things. I don’t think I can live under her same roof knowing that I’m avoiding the inevitable, you know?”

Koganegawa smiled in approval. Then he came closer, stopped just when he was right in front of him, and looked at him for a moment, before pulling him in the umpteenth hug of the day. Goshiki was starting to suspect that he had been embraced more during those last months than he had in his entire life. He wasn’t going to complain, though. Affection felt good, and he needed some support right now.

He let himself be held, again, for a while. Then, he gently patted Koganegawa’s back, and pulled away.

“I’m going to go now”

“Alright. Everything will be fine, I’m sure of it”

He sighed.

“I hope you’re right…”

And now there he was, walking on his way home in the darkness of the evening. Thank God the other boy lent him a jacket, because he was freezing. He should’ve stopped borrowing clothes from him; nothing fit him, and he felt like he was drowning in that damn jacket because of how big it was. He probably should’ve tried to hide that thing from his mum.

The freezing air stung against his nostrils, but as he walked the only thing he could focus on were his own thoughts. Because for real, he needed to calm down and to be able to talk properly. He had so many things to say and he was still so afraid to say them, but he had to give it a try.

He looked at the folder in his hands.

_“You bitch. This is all your fault, goddamnit”_

Eventually, Goshiki arrived to his place. He stood in front of his door, staring at it so intensely that it could’ve probably burst into flames. His hands were shaking, but he gulped and forced himself to open it. He had to do it. Everything was going to be alright.

Entering his house, he didn’t greet his mum. He silently took off his shoes, placed Koganegawa’s coat on the hanger, and took a deep, deep breath.

He walked to the living room, and there she was; his mum, sitting on the couch, watching something on TV without really paying attention to it. She didn’t even turn to look at Goshiki in the eye as she said, “You’re late. You made me worry”

He still said nothing; instead, he slowly reached her and took a seat next to her. She turned off the TV. Silence felt scary.

“Hey”

“I’m sorry mum. I didn’t mean to run away like that. I overexaggerated”

She finally looked at him, but then lowered her gaze immediately after. Another long moment of silence.

“Can we talk? Please?”

She hummed in agreement. Come on, couldn’t she try to make things just a little easier for Goshiki? He sighed. It was now or never.

“Listen, I- should’ve just explained to you the situation because seriously, this is… it’s a delicate topic to me alright? And I wasn’t expecting you to find out like this, because I would’ve told you eventually, but that wasn’t the time or the place and you scared me so much- and I, well I didn’t know how to tell you how I felt and who I really was because I can’t think properly when I’m under pressure so I just shut down completely and-“

“Tsutomu, you’re word-vomiting”

Goshiki stopped and caught breath, not realizing he hadn’t inhaled one single time as he talked.

He then looked at his mum in the eye. He found the strength to talk again, somehow.

“I guess that what I’m trying to say is…”

He paused.

_“You’ll have to do this anyway, if you don’t do it now”_

“I’m… I’m bisexual. And I’m not-”

“Wait. What’s bisexual?”

Oh dear Lord. Not that.

Goshiki already had some suspicions, but… come on! Why did she have to make it so difficult? The world was against him.

“You… don’t know?”

“I never heard that word”

Goshiki blinked a couple of times, and looked at his mother with an almost exasperated expression. He searched for the right words to use.

“It means that I, uh, I… like both girls and boys. I like both, that’s it”

His mum stared in the void for a few seconds.

“Is it really a thing?”

She gazed at him with her eyebrows knitted together.

“Well- yeah, it is”

“So there are people who are attracted to anyone?”

_“Eh, not exactly, but she isn’t ready for the talk about gender yet”_

“Basically, yes”

“I… wow. Tsutomu, I didn’t know that”

“It’s fine. I didn’t know it either”

He let her some time to process. She had a dumbstruck expression, but… she was taking it better than Goshiki had expected her to. Looking at her like that, he felt relieved. He relaxed his shoulders just by a little bit. It had been… easier than what he originally planned. Maybe he shouldn’t have made such a big deal out of it.

“So, you’re telling me… you like girls and boys?”

“… Yeah”

“And are you, uh, are you sure about it?”

“Well… Yeah. I am”

His mum straightened her back.

“Okay then. I should be the one to apologize now”

“Huh?”

“You know, for earlier. For going through your stuff. I opened your closet and your poems-“ she gestured at the folder, still in Goshiki’s hands “- were well visible on top of some of your shirts”

Ah. He fucking forgot to hide them, that morning, when his father left. Oh, he was a fucking idiot.

“I… I usually hide them”

“Yes, I figured that out. But, you know, you’re really good at writing. I didn’t expect you to be the type to draw, though”

“Wait, what?

“What do you mean ‘what’? Your self-portrait in there”

“My self-“ oh. Oh, Koganegawa’s drawing.

“No, mum, that’s not- I didn’t make that”

“Then whose drawing is it? It’s so pretty”

“Uh, well, Koganegawa gave it to me a while back. He’s the one who draws”

His mum nodded. Then, her face shifted to something more grave. She widened her eyes a little, as if she just realized something. Then, she spoke.

“Tsutomu” her tone was as heavy as her face, and he almost got scared.

“Mh?”

“You… like that guy, don’t you?”

_“WHAT”_

“WHAT?”

Goshiki widened his eyes, and his mouth fell open for a moment.

“Koganegawa. You like him, right?”

“I- what are you-“

“Did I misunderstand? “

“No- I mean, can… Oh God, can we not talk about it? It’s- uh, complicated”

She giggled, a wide grin on her face.

“He’s a nice guy. You should bring him over to dinner sometimes, I never got a chance to meet him”

“Mum, what the hell are you talking about?!”

Goshiki shifted on his seat, covering his face with his hands. Why him?

“What? I just want to meet him!”

“I’m _not_ letting you meet him”

“Why not? I want to know him better! If he means that much to you, I want to know why!”

“Can you stop? Please, it’s embarrassing”

“Only if you bring him over for dinner”

“Mum!”

He looked at her though his fingers. She crossed her arms, still grinning. He had no chance, didn’t he? He sighed.

“… Fine. But don’t you dare to say anything about this conversation to him. Understand?”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry”

Goshiki wanted to sulk into the fabric. Maybe he was too obvious.

His mother turned on the TV again, a smile still on her lips.

He pulled out his phone, after a while. There was a new message.

**Kogane <3:**

_“How did it go??”_

Goshiki smiled to himself.

**You:**

_“Better than I ever thought it would”_

_“I guess I really exaggerated, in the end”_

**Kogane <3:**

_“I’m so proud of you!!! You did it!!!!!”_

**You:**

_“... Yeah. I did it”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! I really couldn't bring myself to make Goshiki's mum homophobic. She's just a little confused by all the sexuality thing, but she'll get there eventually :)


	23. Emergency Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the title is a reference.

The situation escalated rather quickly. And at Goshiki’s expense, much more than he had initially wished for.

Standing in front of Tendou’s door, he started to question how many bad decisions he had made in his short life to get to that point, and the answer to that question lowkey scared him. Well, for sure he couldn’t expect something like that to happen, but still… how the hell?

It all started with a stupid message. Oh, out of all the people Goshiki could’ve chose, he decided that texting Shirabu about the incoming dinner with Koganegawa would’ve been a good idea. And boy, if he was wrong.

It didn’t go exactly like that. He just wanted to tell him how the coming out with his mother went, at first, but his upperclassman _of course_ asked for every single detail, so he ended up telling him everything. Nothing that he didn’t already knew, after all. But maybe the situation got a little out of hand.

**Shirabu:**

_“NO WAY”_

_“NO WAYYYYYY!!!!”_

**You:**

_“What?”_

**Shirabu:**

_“THE DINNER!!”_

_“I mean, if your mum wants to know him, that means things are getting pretty serious”_

**You:**

_“What? No!! Nothing is getting serious”_

_“And besides that’s not even my biggest preoccupation right now”_

**Shirabu:**

_“What do you mean??”_

**You:**

_“I don’t know, I’m just… kind of scared of what could happen?? Like, what if my mum is too obvious? What if I am too obvious??? I don’t know how I should act”_

**Shirabu:**

_“If you don’t want to be too obvious, then just act as if a normal friend came over for dinner. It’s easy”_

**You:**

_“…. Uhhhhh”_

_“Uhh…”_

Goshiki felt like facepalming himself wouldn’t be enough to hide all of his embarrassment, right now. Shirabu didn’t text for a fistful of seconds.

**Shirabu:**

_“You… you never had a friend over for dinner, didn’t you?”_

**You:**

_“Yeah…”_

**Shirabu:**

_“Oh no, it’s worse than I thought”_

_“I might need some assistance with this”_

**You:**

_“What assistance?”_

**Shirabu:**

_“Is there anyone else who knoes about this itty bitty crush of yours?”_

**You:**

_“Well… yes, Tendou does know”_

**Shirabu:**

_“Perfect”_

**You:**

_“Wait. What do you want to do?”_

_“Shirabu????”_

_“SHIRABU”_

He didn’t respond to his messages after that. That same evening, he finally received a text back; it said to go to Tendou’s place, the day after, around 4 PM (and to bring some food because Tendou is broke and Shirabu’s only got dietetic bars to eat).

So, there he was now. Standing in front of Tendou’s door, with two packs popcorns in his bag, and a feared expression on his face. That was a bad idea.

Goshiki rang the bell, and waited for a couple of seconds; then, an unfamiliar head of red hair opened the door, greeting him with a smile.

“Tsutomu!! Welcome!”

“… Tendou?!”

On the doorway, Tendou was standing with his usual oversized hoodie, a pair of sweatpants and _all of his hair shaved to the sculp._ It still seemed to be pretty short, as if it had been cut recently, and somehow made his entire look appear even more fuzzy than it already was.

“What?”

“Your… hair?”

“Oh, that!! I had an epiphany a week ago and impulsively shaved my head at two AM in my bathroom. When Wakatoshi saw it, he stared at me for five solid seconds before asking me if he could’ve touch it, and proceeded to pet my head for two hours because he thought the feeling was funny. So I’m counting it as a win”

Too many information in too little time. Goshiki’s brain felt about to explode.

“And speaking of Wakatoshi! You two haven’t seen each other in a while, right? Come, enter, he’ll be happy to see you again!!!”

Goshiki almost choked in his own saliva. No, anything but not Ushijma. Not now.

“Ushijima is here, too…?”

“Yep!! He tagged along. But don’t worry, he’s good at keeping secrets”

Tendou turned around, giggling, and gestured for Goshiki to follow him. He did, entering the house and quickly taking off his coat and shoes. Shrugging, he thought about how humiliating it would’ve been to talk about his stupid crush with Ushijima listening to everything he said; he had already prepared himself to be mocked by his two teammates for the entire afternoon – all of that because he needed a damn advice – but nothing in the world could prepare him for this. He sighed.

Tendou lead him to his room: Goshiki had been in his dorm room before, and had seen the couple of posters on the walls, but God. This was an entire different level. The walls were covered in posters of seemingly every anime on the face of the earth, and here and there were boxes with action figures of weird characters with colourful hair and even weirder clothes. Goshiki had never been a fan of those kind of things, but he was acute enough to feel the weeb energy that room radiated.

No wonder Tendou was broke.

Sitting on the small bed, back as straight as it could possibly be, was Ushijima. He looked a little intimidating, but by now he knew he had just trouble expressing emotions on his face. Shirabu was settled on the chair at the desk, looking at his phone. His gaze went up as soon as Goshiki entered the room, and he smirked slightly. He got up from his seat.

“Alright! Now that we’re all here- wait. Goshiki, did you bring the snacks? I’m hungry”

“Yeah, hold on” he reached for his bag, and pulled out the two bags of popcorn. Shirabu took one, opened it, and shoved a handful of it in his mouth.

“As I was saying” he said with his mouth still full “I’ve gathered you all here today to discuss a matter of utmost importance”

“Ah, yes, you mentioned it when you told me about this meeting… but you didn’t tell me what all of this was about” Tendou sat down beside Ushijima, his eyebrows raised in curiosity. Goshiki was still trying to process whatever his new hair was supposed to be.

“Goshiki! Care to explain the situation?”

Goshiki sighed in defeat. He had no choice, didn’t he?

“Well… you already know about my… uh, little crush on Koganegawa” he murmured that last part, gazing at Ushijima to see if he gave off any type of reaction. Nothing. “and... well, two days ago I came out to my mum and she- she kind of figured out I like him… and insisted for me to bring him over for dinner-“

“Tsutomu!! That’s amazing!”

“But he doesn’t know how to act because he never had a friend over for dinner and he needs advices, and since I have like two friends I needed some support” Shirabu finished the explanation for him (and yes, he was still eating). Oh, this was ashaming.

“Mhhh… I think I get it” said Tendou, bringing a hand to his chin.

“I genuinely don’t know how I should act. I don’t want to ruin things as I always do”

“Don’t you dare say that! You d-“

“You don’t always ruin things, Goshiki”

The three of them turned around to face Ushijima. He stared back, his emotionless expression marked with a hint of confusion. Tendou wore an amused smirk, and Goshiki felt just a tiny bit better. Ushiwaka never lied, so maybe there was a small chance of him being right.

“Thanks, Ushijima”

Goshiki smiled slightly.

“So!! The point is: what the hell should he do?”

“Wait,” Tendou interrupted “shouldn’t you be here to help him, too?”

Shirabu shrugged.

“Not really. I have no idea what to do. But somebody had to handle this situation, am I right?”

“I never asked you to do it… I just wanted to let you know how my coming out went”

“Unimportant! I’m sure you still needed my help”

“I don’t- never mind”

Goshiki decided that giving up would be the better solution. He looked at Tendou with hopeful eyes.

“Mmmh, let’s see… first of all, how close are you and Kagenokawa?”

“Koganegawa”

“Yeah, him”

“Uh… real close? Maybe best friend-close?”

“Alright. And what about you and your mum?”

“Uh… pretty close too, yes”

“And is he a talkative one? Like, does he talk a lot?”

“Oh, definitely”

“Then” announced Tendou, after pretending to think about it for a moment “I don’t see the problem”

Goshiki buried his face in his hands.

“The problem is that I’m scared of fucking everything up!! I know I should act natural but I don’t know how to do it! Not with the both of them around”

“Then just let them handle the talking! Make some interruptions from time to time, and make sure you’ve told your mum a hundred times not to mention your crush on him. Remember, communication is key, but you don’t necessarily have to be the one conversating”

“I don’t think that’s how it said”, replied Ushijma.

“I know, Wakatoshi” said Tendou, shifting just a little bit closer to him.

Goshiki thought about it for a second. He was still skeptical, but maybe he was right. Maybe it was easier than he had thought, and he was just overthinking things – nothing surprising.

“Are you sure this will work? Just… letting them talk on their own?”

“Yeah! Just do the introductions in the least awkward way possible, and you’ll be fine”

Goshiki sighed. “If you say so… this meeting was kind of useless, then”

The three of them turned all to Shirabu, who was now opening his second bag of popcorn.

“It was not useless! I’ve finally eaten something edible”

They all sighed at him – yes, even Ushijima – and fell silent for a while. Shirabu was a damn jerk.

“So, what do we do for the rest of the afternoon?” said Ushijima.

Tendou passed ha hand through his buzzcut.

“I don’t know. Want me to paint your nails?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes, that moment when your Super Secret Emergency Meeting with your homies turns out to be useless so you engage in typical bro activities such as destroying toxic masculinity


	24. Lucky

In the end, Goshiki was left with an advice he apparently didn’t need that much, and two layers of black nail-polish on both of his hands. Not that he was complaining, though, he looked hot as hell.

But that was beyond the point. His biggest concern now was just really how many black nail-polishes Tendou owned. He could’ve as well had a life supply of those, seeing how full was the drawer he pulled open to pick one of them. The funny thing is, Goshiki never ever saw him with his nails painted; so he was starting to worry that Tendou might be drinking it or something, because no one ever needs that insane amount of nail-polish.

The four of them looked like eight graders gossiping about the boys on a sleepover.

At some point, Tendou insisted for him to pat his head and see what a buzzcut felt like (though he was starting to suspect that the other boy just really enjoyed pats) and for a moment, Goshiki considered chopping his bangs off and emulate him because damn, it felt so soft. But, no, God, he was too attached to that stupid haircut of his.

As he arrived home, he kicked his shoes off and took his phone from his pocket. If he needed to inform Koganegawa about the incoming dinner, he might as well do it now.

**You:**

_“Heyy”_

_“My mums insisting for you to come over for dinner sometimes”_

_“She wants to meet you all of a sudden for some reason”_

Yeah, as if he didn’t know the actual motive.

**You:**

_“So, uhhh, how about you come one of these days? So she’ll finally stop asking lmao”_

It didn’t took long for Koganegawa to text him back.

**Kogane <3:**

_“Sounds good!!! Would tomorrow be akright?”_

**You:**

_“Yeah I guess. Come around 4pm or something”_

**Kogane <3:**

_“Aight, see you tomorrow!!!”_

Tomorrow came, and Goshiki spent most of it to mentally prepare himself for whatever was about to happen.

At dinner, the day before, he repeated to his mum a hundred times to not bring _that_ conversation up. And every time she just laughed, agreed, and changed subject. He would’ve to trust her, after all.

At 4:12 PM, he heard the bell rang. He ran downstairs and opened the door, and was greeted with a big smile.

“Goshiki!!!”

“Hi, Kogane” he smiled too, as a reflex of the boy in front of him. He hated (loved) how his happiness was so contagious.

“I’m sorry I’m so late! I went to the mall and brought coffees- don’t worry, I got your usual one” he said, lifting up a bag that was in his hands “but I miscalculated the time!! So I ran all the way up here and I’m still late”

Goshiki let out a even wide cheeky smile.

“No problem! Come inside. And thanks”

They headed to Goshiki’s room, coffees in their hands. Sipping from his plastic cup, Goshiki was reminded once again of how, even though he got used to the taste, he still hated the feeling he got on his tongue anytime he drank coffee. The whipped cream was almost entirely melted by the time Koganegawa arrived, so he didn’t even get to have his consolation prize. But the light flush on his cheeks clearly gave away the fact that he didn’t mind.

“Man, I can’t wait to meet your mum!! She really does seem like the nicest of people”

“She is. But she’s also very embarrassing”

“Not a problem! I find that kind of things really cute, you know?”

“I usually just want to sulk. But she might even be overexcited because, eh… I hadn’t had a friend over for a long long time; so if she seems a little too amused by the situation, please excuse her”

“Again, it’s not a problem at all. As long as she takes a liking to me, I don’t mind”

He paused, furrowed his eyebrows and made a confused expression for a moment.

“But you shouldn’t worry about that part. Everyone likes me”

 _“Yeah, we do”_ , Goshiki thought.

“Quit acting like you’re some sort of angel!”

Eventually, after spending the whole afternoon laughing (and throwing each other off of the bed), Goshiki heard the front door open.

“I’m home!” yelled his mum from downstairs.

The two of them walked to the front door, immediately greeted by Goshiki’s grinning mum. She put her bag on mobile beside her, and walked to face Koganegawa.

“You must be Koganegawa!!! I’m Akie, nice to meet you!” she shook his hand excitedly.

“Nice to meet you too” he said with a smile.

His mum eyed him up and down.

“You’re… even taller in person”

“Yeah… people point that out a lot, about me”

“Because it’s impressing! How tall are you, if I may ask?”

Koganegawa thought about it for a second.

“I should’ve hit 195 centimetres by now”

 _“Damn”_ , said both Goshiki and his mum simultaneously. Koganegawa let out a sheepish laugh.

“I’m taking that as a compliment”

“It is! But now, you know, we actually have to get dinner ready. Tsutomu, could you please help me out? You’ll need to chop the vegetables while I cook rice”

“Can I help too?” asked Koganegawa, after a moment of hesitation, entering the kitchen.

“How sweet of you! You two could both cut the vegetables, so we’ll finish sooner”

They took everything they needed, and got to work. Usually, when Goshiki cooked, he did it alone, but he actually didn’t mind the company; it made it all more cheerful. His mum was humming some song he couldn’t quite recognize, something she usually did when she was in a particularly good mood. Koganegawa, right beside him on the counter, was tapping his feet following its pace. Goshiki smiled to himself.

“Oh! Is that nail-polish??” asked Koganegawa after a while; Goshiki turned to him, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah? I thought you already noticed it”

“Nope. Didn’t pay attention to it at all”

“Tendou insisted to put this on me yesterday, and it looks cool. I might even start to consider buying some”

His mum spoke from behind them.

“Tendou? That guy with spiky hair, right?”

“Yeah, but he shaved his head recently. Now he’s bald”

She laughed.

It took a while, but eventually they managed to get dinner ready (somehow, without neither of them bumping into each other and accidentally stab themselves). They set the table, and from that moment on everything went – surprisingly - alright.

His mum brought up some stupid childhood memory about how Goshiki that used to be scared of everything, to which he groaned and blushed slightly. They talked about volleyball, even though she didn’t actually knew a lot about the sport (and they lowkey took an enjoyment in trying to explain her the rules), and about what a shame it was that they both lost against Karasuno.

Koganegawa spoke about his family, his drawings, his favourite things, and answered happily to every question Goshiki’s mum made him.

At some point, Goshiki just did what Tendou suggested him to do, and let them handle all of the talking; it wasn’t actually intentional, but still. The two of them seemed to get along so well with each other, Goshiki felt lucky.

Koganegawa and him would fit so good together, after all. Everyone liked Koganegawa, that was true; his mother seemed to adore him. Staring at him, Goshiki felt so lucky. Lucky to have him as a friend, lucky to have fallen in love with him.

Just, for once in his life, lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being sleep-deprived is part of my aesthetic by now  
> Btw, hope you enjoy the chapter??? I feel like it's a little plain but not everything has to go wrong for Goshi (maybe)  
> anyways goodnight


	25. Soft and Loving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY I COULDN'T UPLOAD AJDHSHB  
> I know it's been only like, four days??? BUT IT FELT LIKE FOREVER

Winter break went by much more quickly than Goshiki would’ve want it to. It was January now; which meant morning runs in the freezing air, outside warm-ups, and the walk he had to do everyday from his dorm block to class at the mercy of the damn wind. It had yet to snow, that year. Goshiki was a little put down by it (he loved the snow), but it’s not like he could’ve changed the weather, so he just had to wait for it.

Getting back to his normal and regular schedule had also been harder than he expected. And maybe it was a tiny bit his fault, for spoiling himself by waking up everyday at 10AM. But hey, sleeping was so nice.

He was also very relieved by the fact that, even though they were entering their second semester, none of his third-year teammates decided to quit the volleyball club. They needed as much power as they could, now that Ushijima was gone, so they couldn’t really afford to lose members. Goshiki was glad, and so were his fellow first-years. He hadn’t actually formed a bond with them yet, since they seemed all pretty absorbed by their own lives apart from their team; but he wasn’t expecting them to be as lonely as he was when he started high school, so it was fine. In fact, his underclassmen were all pretty cool.

And things with his mum were going better than ever!

After the dinner with Koganegawa, when the boy left and got back to his house, Goshiki and her stayed in the kitchen for a while more, after cleaning the table. His mum seemed in a good mood.

“So…” he started, unsure of what to say. Koganegawa sure made quite the impression that day, but he still wanted to know what her thoughts about him were so far.

She was cleaning the dishes in the sink. Goshiki looked at her back, sitting on one of the chairs, waiting for an answer. He was almost glad he didn’t have to face her.

“Oh, Tsutomu” he could hear her smiling through the tone of her voice “he’s the most lovely guy I’ve ever met”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. For real, you should keep him close”

Goshiki chuckled. He was relieved.

“I’m happy to hear that you liked him this much. I was kind of anxious, actually… but I guess I was worrying for nothing”

“You were! It’s impossible not to adore him. Oh, if you could marry a guy like him I’ll be the happiest woman alive! Knowing that both of my children found someone they’re happy with, and are enjoying their life… nothing could make me happier”

Goshiki hid his face in his hands, hitting the table with his forehead at the comment. And no, of course he wasn’t smiling; he wasn’t, alright? She was always so sappy, coming up with random comments like that one. It wasn’t even his fault.

“Muuuum… why are you like this…”

“I’m just saying!” she laughed whole-heartedly.

“Besides, he’s a hundred times better than those little brats you were friends with in middle school”

Wait, what? That was new. Goshiki snapped his head upwards, from where it was buried in the table, and looked at her. He never really heard his mother talking about his friends from middle school, before. Why was she mentioning that now?

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“You know, Tsu, I never liked them”

“You did?”

“Yeah. There was always something about them that eh, made them seem a little off to me. You know, they were barely there for you. Don’t you think I didn’t notice”

She finally turned around, a towel in her hands, with all the dishes now clean and on their stand to dry.

Goshiki was a little shocked by that sudden comment. He never thought that she was really paying attention to those kind of things, woah. It’s not like he considered his mum a bad mum that didn’t care about him, mind you; he was just convinced over the years that she never noticed that sudden lack of his ex-friends when he started high school.

“And I was right! I never saw them again, since the day you started your first year at Shiratorizawa. They made me so mad”

Her tone shifted to one more annoyed one.

“I… I didn’t expect you to notice it”

“Of course I noticed! I was also worried you would’ve felt too lonely, but you had the volleyball club. And you looked happy. So I’m glad that those people are not in your life anymore. They didn’t deserve you anyways”

Damn. His mum looked too sincere, sometimes.

Goshiki got up from his seat, moving towards her. He hugged her tightly. It was funny; she was almost twenty centimetres shorter than him, after all, so they looked slightly ridiculous. Still, she hugged him back.

He was starting to think that he didn’t deserve someone as amazing as his mum. With everything she’s done for him in the past two weeks? Damn, it could’ve been enough for a lifetime. She was such and angel.

Goshiki was so grateful.

“Thank you. What you’re doing, it means a lot to me” he said quietly.

She giggled.

“No need to thank me. And really, Koganegawa is an amazing guy. What a type you found yourself with! You two make an amazing duo. I haven’t seen you being this happy with someone in a long, long time”

There was a pause of silence, and Goshiki let himself be lullabied by the calmness of that moment.

“But, I hope he knows that if he hurts you in any way…”

“Come on!” he hit her lightly on her back, smiling “I’m not six years old anymore! I can handle those kind of things by myself!”

“I know, Tsutomu”

She pulled away from the hug, looking at him in his eyes, wearing a soft and loving smile.

“I know”

So, after all, things were going (somehow) pretty well. It probably wouldn’t have lasted much, considering Goshiki’s incredible talent of putting himself in terrible situations, but still… he didn’t have to think about it now. So, no problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed writing, but I had an important math test coming up and I needed some good sleep eheh  
> But hey, new chapter! And new things are coming up because I have a lot of ideas.  
> Oh, this story will go on forever


	26. Excitement

It was a Wednesday. Goshiki got up, attended all of his classes, and was now standing on the changing rooms of the Shiratorizawa’s gym for his afternoon practice.

But he had other things going through his mind.

He saw with the corner of his eye Shirabu getting closer to him. Oh no, he knew what he was about to say.

“Soooo…” he smirked, dropping his stuff right beside Goshiki’s. He rolled his eyes.

“What?”

“You know what! Angry Bird Boy!!”

Of course it was about Koganegawa. And well, for once, Shirabu had a good reason to bring up the subject, if he had to be completely honest.

But it wasn’t his fault, this time; out of all things, the one thing he wasn’t certainly expecting to happen was for Koganegawa to _literally_ break into the Shiratorizawa campus and jog towards him like it was a normal thing to do. And no, of course he couldn’t deny the warmth that spread from his chest as the other boy hugged him tightly and pressed his smiling face into the crook of his neck; but he couldn’t deny either the sudden wave of dread he felt, just as he realized that he just got out of the gym and his teammates were watching the whole scene.

It happened all too quickly. Goshiki had literally just finished practice, and was getting out of the gym along with some of the third years. And damn, that training had been even harder than usual; sometimes, he really thought the universe hated him. Because he was sweaty, gross, tired and probably looking like shit, and still he heard the familiar voice calling his name in the distance.

For a moment he thought he had finally lost it, and was probably hallucinating.

But then, he heard someone tap his shoulder.

“Uh, I think that guy’s calling you”

He never in his life snapped his head up so quickly before. _Koganegawa._

He was jogging towards him, a bright smile on his face. Goshiki’s mouth went agape, his eyes wide.

“KOGANE?”

“Yeah!!!” said the latter happily. He finally stopped right in front of him, wasting no time and trapping him in one of his classic bone-crashing hugs.

“What the hell-“

“I’ve got great news!!!”

He let go, and looked at Goshiki in the eye, jumping a little on the spot. He looked so excited, Goshiki couldn’t hold back a little smile. Or at least, he couldn’t hold it back, until Koganegawa peered through his shoulder, and looked over to the people that were standing silently behind him.

“Hi!! You guys must be Goshiki’s teammates. I hope we’ll face each other during the spring tournament! I’m looking forward to it!”

Goshiki’s expression dropped. He slowly turned around, feeling all of the eyes fixated on him.

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to steal him for a second”

And before anyone could say anything, he grabbed Goshiki by the sleeve, and carried him behind the corner of the gym, confused gazes still glaring at their back. Goshiki, for once, wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or to sulk.

“Kogane! What the hell was that?!”

Koganegawa turned around, his smile a little shyer than before.

“Oh… did I exaggerate? I’m so sorry, I got carried away…”

Goshiki’s expression softened, as he let his shoulders drop a little.

“It’s not a problem, don’t worry. But fuck, you scared me! You can’t just appear all of a sudden and challenge my teammates before dragging me away!”

“Uh, sorry about that too…”

“Whatever,” Goshiki hit Koganegawa’s forehead with two fingers, making him groan lightly, before continuing “why did you come here anyway? Now I’m curious”

That seemed to immediately brighten the other boy’s mood, his face lighting up at the question.

“I hoped you’d ask me that!!”

He took both Goshiki’s hands in his. If he got any more touchy, Goshiki was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to handle it; he would just, I don’t know, spontaneously burst into flames on the spot, if he had to take a guess.

“Well…!” he paused, as to add a pinch of suspense to the moment.

“I finally got the call!! Tomorrow I’m getting my probably-ADHD diagnosed!!!”

Goshiki sucked in a breath, admiring how beaming Koganegawa’s expression was. He kept smiling and shifting his weight from one foot to another. Goshiki admired him, and then smiled widely too.

“That is amazing! I’m so happy for you Kogane!”

Koganegawa held in the nth smile, hugging Goshiki again and lifting him from the ground. As much as Goshiki hated being constantly mocked because of his height (since you know, he wasn’t exactly the definition of short), he _almost_ didn’t mind it in moments like this. Oh, he didn’t mind it at all.

They both laughed.

“I ran all the way here because I was too impatient to tell you”, said as Goshiki felt his feet touching the ground again. He made a step back.

“You could’ve called me, instead of doing all this”

Koganegawa made a confused expression. Then, his face shifted do mild-shock, as he let out a loud groan.

“… Oh my God. Don’t tell me you didn’t even think about it”

But his dejected face said it all.

“You’re kidding!” he burst into laughing, ignoring the offended pout on Koganegawa’s face.

“Come on! You don’t have to shove it to my face like that!”

It was heart-warming, for sure; and it would’ve been even more so, if Shirabu would’ve gently shut his mouth about it – which of course he wasn’t.

“You are telling me” he said half-shouting in the locker room “that him running to you and _hugging_ you in front of everyone doesn’t even seem a little bit gay of him?”

“He did it in a friendly way. He does that with anyone”

“But still! The way he looks at you!”

“Just friends”, Goshiki remarked while putting his regular clothes away.

“Come on, which side are you on?”

“Nope, can’t hear you”

He got out of the changing room, his phone in his hands, planning to check it in-between water breaks; he heard Shirabu sighing loudly, before closing the door just behind him. He just hoped he didn’t notice the very obvious blush on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please deal with my never ending fluff (for you won't have it anymore soon EHEH)


	27. Unsettling

Eventually, on the team’s third water break, Goshiki received a message. Koganegawa had told him, the day before, that the test would’ve taken place in the early afternoon (so he got lucky it was a Wednesday, Dateko’s practice-free day); he asked if the two of them could meet up right after, since Goshiki should’ve finished training by then, and they both agreed to go to the park and take a walk or something.

Goshiki quickly opened the notification.

**Kogane <3:**

_“I’m about to go in. Wish me luck :)”_

It had been sent about twenty minutes prior.

But Goshiki was sure everything would eventually turn out okay; it was Koganegawa they were talking about.

And just like that, two hours and a half later, Goshiki was sitting on a bench at the side of the road, phone in hands, waiting. He couldn’t withhold that he was actually feeling pretty flustered and honored to be the first one Koganegawa wanted to see after something as important for him as his ADHD diagnosis. Perhaps it came off a little selfish, but it made him so happy. To think that, for the first time in his life, he was the first choice to someone… maybe he was as important to Koganegawa as the latter was to him. Maybe, for once, he wouldn’t need to daydream about it.

That’s why he wanted to be better. He wanted to be trust-worthy.

And he felt like he could actually do it, for the first time.

While thinking those things, with the corner of his eye, he spotted a little white car approaching the side of the road and slowing down. He couldn’t hold a smile, when that familiar head of stupid bleached hair got out of it, waving to the driver. Koganegawa noticed him, walked towards him and sat down on the bench. Goshiki sat quietly, expecting the other boy to greet him with his usual energy; instead, there were a couple of moments of silence, as the white car drove away and out of sight in a matter of seconds.

“So? How did it go??” Goshiki asked, trying to break the silence, still smiling.

And well, he was expecting a lot of different reactions from the other boy. He thought he was going to light up like he always did, maybe he would start to ramble and ramble about the experience while dragging Goshiki around because he couldn’t hold in the excitement.

But none of that happened.

Koganegawa didn’t even look at him, crouched on himself, and let out a heavy, shaky sigh.

“God.”

Goshiki’s stomach dropped.

Did something go wrong?

He immediately shifted closer to the other boy, lowering his head so that they’d be on the same level.

“Kogane, what happened?”

But instead of replying, he slowly reached for his backpack – painfully slowly. He opened it and handed it to Goshiki.

_“Uhm, what”_

There were some papers inside, and he figured he should’ve taken them out to look at them properly.

And so he did. They were the diagnosis papers.

Goshiki let out a happy gasp.

“So the diagnosis went well! I’m so happy for you!”

He glanced over to Koganegawa, and realized immediately the huge mistake he made, watching his eyes become watery and glassy all of a sudden. He let out a small, quiet sob.

Oh God, oh God, what the fuck did he do?

“Kogane…”

“Sorry-“ his voice broke; he immediately buried his face in his hands again.

Goshiki panicked. He had never been in a situation like that, what the hell? What was he supposed to do? He… Oh.

He never saw Koganegawa cry before.

He reluctantly brought his arm to the other boy’s back, caressing it softly, unsure if he was doing the right thing. Damn, he’d never been in a situation like that! He’s always been the crybaby of every group (a title that he held with shame, if he had to be honest), so he never happened to be comforting someone crying. What was he supposed to do?

“Hey. Hey, no need to cry. Uh… tell me what happened”

He paused. Maybe he didn’t need to push it.

“I mean, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but...”

He mentally slapped himself to shut the hell up. There was no need of making things worse, especially given the fact that Koganegawa wasn’t answering. No, for heaven’s sake, he wouldn’t let Koganegawa cry like this on a bench for everyone to see without doing anything. Not happening. He wanted to be trust-worthy, after all; he’ll have to come up with something on the spot.

He sighed softly.

“Kogane, look at me”

Koganegawa lifted his head up, eyes red and shiny.

Goshiki looked at him, eyebrows drawn together in worry, and gently (yet very awkwardly) stroked the back of his head, to try and reassure him – even though he wasn’t sure if it was working or not. God, he was so embarrassing. He wiped away one of his tears with the back of his hand, offering a tissue from his pocket. It wasn’t much, but still…

Koganegawa took it, and aggressively rubbed his face, still sniffling and sobbing from time to time.

So Goshiki leaned closer, pulling a arm around Koganegawa’s waist, hoping that it made sense and didn’t seem too stiff or forced of an action.

“Tell me what happened”, he said in a firmer voice.

“I don’t know… I think I got a bit overwhelmed. Sorry, I-“

He exhaled.

“I’m not sure what happened”

He reached for his bag again, this time pulling out a tiny box full of little pills. The name read “Methylphenidate” (and Goshiki definitely didn’t need to squint and reread it a couple of times to understand what was written there, of course). He looked over the other boy with a confused look.

“It started all so well, alright?” he coughed a couple of times, to adjust his tone “The woman was nice, and she told me that I had been lucky to find something such as drawing as a way to be able to concentrate”

“And then?”

“… I don’t know. Really, I don’t know. She started to talk about medicines, pills, and all those disgusting side effects, and I think I zoned out for a while? But then it got a little too much and I panicked, but my mum looked so relieved and happy and I didn’t want to tell her that I didn’t listen half of the things the woman said”

He paused to breathe, and looked at Goshiki.

“And I didn’t know what to say? I responded awkwardly to all the questions, it was humiliating. I kept fidgeting with my hands, looking around, started biting my nails aggressively, and let’s not talk about my nose tic please. It got so bad it was embarrassing. It usually doesn’t happen in situations like this… meltdowns occur when I’m tired, or stressed out. This came out of the blue. It was unsettling”

Goshiki didn’t feel like saying anything; he couldn’t say anything, anyway. So he moved slowly, wrapping the other arm around Koganegawa’s waist, in yet another loose hug (he felt like he had never enough of those, in the end). Koganegawa sobbed again.

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be. We can look at all that shit ton of papers later, maybe you’ll get together the pieces you didn’t quite understand. Hey, it’s fine”

He kept rubbing his lower back for a while, letting him cry a bit more. Eventually, the sniffling stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S 2 AM I SHOULD BE SLEEPING I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW UGH  
> Anyway new chapter :)  
> Oh how the turns had tabled


	28. Piggyback

“Come on, let’s just go somewhere!”

“… Carry me”

“You weight like, 95 kilograms! How the hell am I supposed to carry you?”

“What?! I barely weight 80 kilograms! You offend me!”

Goshiki sighed softly, looking down at Koganegawa who was still sitting on the bench, hands on his hips and a frown on his face. He wasn’t sure his arms could bear carrying Koganegawa around for more than five minutes, but he supposed he could try. It looked like the other boy didn’t really want to bicker further or piss him off; he genuinely looked like he just wanted some more affection than usual (He wasn’t going to complain about it). So maybe, Goshiki could endure that and please him for once.

“If I carry you, we’ll be able to go somewhere else?”

“Wherever you want”, he answered with a smile. Still, something about him felt off.

Goshiki rolled his eyes.

“Sometimes I really believe you’re actually just a giant three-years-old”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment”

“What part of it is supposed to be a compliment?”, he said as he knelt down in front of the bench, letting Koganegawa settle on his back piggy-style.

He got up with as loud huff.

“You’re heavy”, he choked out. Oh, come on! He could do this.

“Shut up, it’s already hard enough to carry the weight of being the most handsome guy on the planet, you don’t have to mock me about it”

It was weird. He had his usual sarcastic tone in his voice, he made the usual ironic remarks about everything, and still the way he acted let slip all the sadness he was holding. It made Goshiki’s heart crack, to see him like this. He didn’t even think someone like Koganegawa could ever feel _that_ dejected.

But he didn’t mind. He could handle the talking, for once.

“How did your mum take… you know, all this?”

“Mmmh, she was really grateful, actually. I didn’t expect her to”

“Why do you say that?”

“You know, I always thought that my parents, deep down, didn’t want a son with ADHD. I mean… it sucks, sometimes, I guess. But she truly doesn’t seem to mind at all, instead she’s happy that we’ve finally put a label on whatever was this thing I had for years. It’s nice”

Goshiki took a deep breath, finding it difficult to talk while walking and carrying the other boy. He adjusted him on his back.

And, to be completely fair, the fact that Koganegawa’s arms were wrapped around his neck and his chin was resting on his shoulder, right beside his head, wasn’t helping. Like, for fuck’s sake. Pining was hard.

“Your parents deserve an award”

“Yeah, creating me was probably the best thing that happened to the wo-“

“Oh, quit that!”

He heard a quiet snicker right by his ear, feeling a shiver down his spine.

_“It’s always you and your damn gay thoughts, all the time”_

He gritted his teeth at himself, trying to shut his own thoughts.

“Anyway, want to go grab a coffee? As usual?” asked Koganegawa, after a couple of moments of silence.

“Sure. But I’m definitely not carrying you all the way there”

“Why not! I’m comfy”

“Yeah, but you’re also heavy and my arms are falling off”

Koganegawa let out a loud groan, before jumping on his feet again, leaving a pained Goshiki to massage his back. He started to lead the way, without saying anything.

They arrived pretty quickly, now that Goshiki wasn’t weighted down by a 80 kilograms boy, and they ordered… eh, the usual.

Goshiki looked at the other boy, who was still remaining pretty silent for his standards. It felt weird.

“So…” he started, not sure if he should ask that, “I’ve been wondering for a while, uh… you mentioned a ‘meltdown’ earlier, didn’t you? Uhm, may I ask what’s that?”

Koganegawa shifted on his seat.

“If you don-“

“It’s fine, really” he cut him off. Goshiki really wanted to make sure Koganegawa wasn’t uncomfortable.

“So, it’s usually… well, when I’m feeling overwhelmed, sometimes I struggle to, uh, function properly? I can’t focus, and I keep biting my nails or moving around or fidgeting with my hands, and my nose tic goes apeshit and I look ridiculous. And I feel like shit. But, I don’t know, it never happened in public before”

“You never told me about that”

“Because they don’t happen very often, actually. When I’m with other people I don’t even bother to think about it, so I usually don’t say it”

“Makes sense”

A waiter arrived with their orders, leaving them on the table and bowing kindly before leaving.

Goshiki rested his head on his fist.

“They seem exhausting”

“They are. But as I said, they don’t happen very often. They don’t really bother me, usually they’re not even aggressive”

His gaze was now low again.

“I don’t like to talk about those things… and it’s not like I don’t trust you or something, don’t get me wrong! I just think that this side of me doesn’t quite match my usual self, you know what I mean”

Goshiki took a (painful) sip from his drink, and looked at Koganegawa with a mildly-shocked expression. He wasn’t expecting _that_ to be the reason the other boy didn’t want to talk about meltdowns.

“Woah, that’s… I get what you’re trying to tell me”, he started, not sure how to pull it off “but, what the hell? You’re… well, you. There isn’t anything about you that doesn’t match you, because it’s yours-“

He was gesturing in the air, trying to make Koganegawa understand his point.

“And uh, it’s perfect the way it is. I mean, of course if you don’t feel comfortable you shouldn’t jump around and tell every passer-by what you experience, but still- it’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know? I won’t ever pry about things you’re not okay sharing, but uh… you also don’t have to hide things because, it’s okay. Or at least, to me”

He finished this… whatever that was supposed to be, with a flustered look on his face. He hoped he didn’t just ramble about a bunch of bullshit, because he was really trying to explain a point.

Koganegawa had his eyes slightly widened, eyebrows lifted; then, his expression melted in a fond, soft smile. And Goshiki melted as well, because damn – he felt like a puddle of emotions, right now.

“God, you’re so sappy”, said Koganegawa, hiding his smile behind his hands.

“I was trying to help!”

“You have no right to make me so happy, alright? It’s annoying!”

“What is this supposed to mean?”

They laughed. This time, Koganegawa did it whole-heartedly, loudly, like Goshiki was used to hear it.

Was it even possible, to fall in love more and more every day?

Nobody ever told him about that part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, may I interest you with even more fluff?


	29. Always

They walked in silence, after that conversation. Koganegawa had his gaze low, but somehow he seemed to be more calm than before. Goshiki was glad. They collectively decided that occupying for another hour and a half the coffee shop’s table would be a little too petty, so they settled for walking around until they find a place to sit down and look at all the papers.

And to be honest? Goshiki had no idea how they ended up sitting on the ground, on the side of the road, Koganegawa’s head on his lap and a furrowed expression on his face.

Too clingy. Sometimes he was just… too clingy for Goshiki’s poor bisexual heart.

“Did we have to sit on the ground? Couldn’t we find like, a bench or something?”

_“Maybe somewhere where we don’t have to look as gay as we do right now?”_

“But I was tired of walking” the other boy pouted “and I’m comfortable”

Not the damn pout.

“Yeah… alright”

Koganegawa reached out for the diagnosis papers, making a weird grimace when he looked at them; he handed them to Goshiki.

“Okay,” Goshiki cleared his throat awkwardly “tell me, uhm.. tell me about the part of the conversation you actually listened”

“Let’s see…”

Goshiki was desperately trying not to stare.

“The first part went well, the one where they asked me all the questions etcetera. It was all good until they actually talked about my diagnosis and about what I should do from now on”

“You talked about the side effects of the medications, didn’t you?”

Koganegawa bit his lip and drifted his gaze to something else other than Goshiki.

“… Yeah”

“Can you…” he hesitated “Can you tell me about them?”

A loud sigh followed those words.

Goshiki wondered if he should’ve stroked Koganegawa’s hair, or something like that. He really, really, really wanted to. Looking at him like that? It was slowly killing him – but he wouldn’t complain. It was a nice and preferable way to die.

The fact was, he was never good at hiding his feelings. And for God’s sake, Koganegawa wasn’t helping. Goshiki felt like a creep sometimes, even though he never actually acted weirdly; was looking very fondly at someone else considered creepy?

Because sure, he may or may not be fighting this tiny urge of his of squishing both of Koganegawa’s cheeks in his hands and pulling him into a kiss. But still…

So instead, he started lightly poking his forehead with a finger.

“Ow- why are you doing that?!”

“Emotional support”

Now was not the time nor the place to address his previous thoughts; he had all the time to have a breakdown about them later, once he was at home and in the safety of his room.

“This doesn’t look like emotional support- ow, stop it!”

Goshiki smiled and did as he was told.

“Will you tell me now?”

“Alright, jeez” he had a hint of a smile on his face, but it quickly faded as he talked again. He pulled out the little medications box.

“So… uh. This thing has a name that I’m positive starts with M. They told me something about how this specific type of medication is very common among people with ADHD… but as you guessed, it can cause, eh… a lot of things that do not seem funny at all”

He sighed again.

“I don’t even know why my brain is making such a big deal out of it. Sorry. Basically, the side effects bounce between headaches, trouble sleeping, increase of blood pressure…” another pause “mood swings and weight loss. Which sucks. Because I’m supposed to take it like twice a day for the rest of my life, and being moody and losing weight and aching all over isn’t something I can do”

“Still, it can help you. Side effects aren’t that common, right?”

“But I’m scared. I don’t want repercussions on my own health and attitude. I just…”

Goshiki looked at him, as he turned his head to the other side. He finally reached out and gave a small stroke to Koganegawa’s hair, but he pulled his hand away immediately. Maybe it was a bit too much.

But the other boy turned around to look at Goshiki again, took his hand, and re-placed it on his head.

Goshiki felt like he could explode. He begun to pat Koganegawa’s hair softly.

“You know, I want to make volleyball my job one day. And honestly, as much as I’m aware that my size helps me a lot, height is not everything. Damn, just look at Shoyo, he’s the living proof”

“Yeah, that’s right. But what has this to do with the medications?”

“I’ve always struggled to build up muscles, alright? Despite being tall, I’ve always been very skinny. Only recently I gained a little bit of thew. So tell me, how am I supposed to build my career if I’m constantly losing appetite and weight, if I can’t sleep properly, if I get random headaches? How am I supposed to keep my usual behaviour if I start to have mood swings? What scares me the most, is that I’m not even sure if I can even play volleyball while I’m on medications”

His lower lip quivered slightly.

“I don’t want to fuck up my life because of this. And maybe I am just exaggerating”

A pause.

“… No, I think I get it”

Koganegawa leaned into his touch, looking at him with questioning eyes.

“But… don’t you know if you can take another type of medication? Or maybe seek for a different treatment?”

“I… I don’t know”

“Alright… Let me take a look at the papers. In the meantime, do you know if you have another appointment soon?”

“Uh… If I recall correctly, there should be another appointment scheduled for next week”

Goshiki mumbled approvingly, as he stopped petting Koganegawa’s head and took the documents.

He started searching for the name of the medication and the instructions underneath it. Maybe he could find alternative type of pills that could work better? Or something? Anything, to not see Koganegawa’s concerned expression anymore.

“Uhhh… there, I think I found it” he said after a little while.

“What does it say??”

“I’m not seeing anything about another type of possible medications”

“Ah…”

Then, something caught Goshiki’s eye. He squinted, and read what was written there, mouthing every word. And oh… that was definitely something _very_ useful. How did Koganegawa manage to miss that part?

“Have you found anything?”

“… Therapy”, he mumbled under his breath, mouth agape.

“What?”

“Therapy!!” this time, in a louder voice.

He looked over to Koganegawa, a hopeful expression on his face, but instead met a confused gaze.

“It says, right here” Goshiki pointed on the paper, suddenly excited and willing to explain “that pills are not the only possible way to help with ADHD symptoms”

“So, you’re telling me it suggests…”

“Therapy!! It could work, if you explain to them the whole situation!”

Koganegawa looked Goshiki in the eye, an uncertain expression painted on his face. It was so weird to see him like this; it looked like the roles were reversed between the two of them.

“Are you really sure? I mean… I don’t know if they’ll be willing to change everything because a high schooler decided that he wants to keep playing volleyball”

“You’ll have to talk to them about it, it’s the only way. It doesn’t hurt to try, am I right? And yes, before you ask- that includes talking to your mum about your uneasiness”

“… But do I have to?”

“Yep. No excuses”

A loud sigh.

Goshiki looked at him for a long, long moment. He gave a light squeeze to his shoulder.

“Kogane.” the latter turned his head to face him “It’ll be alright. You’ll see”

There was a long, painful pause of silence; Koganegawa’s gaze was so intense, Goshiki felt like he could burn.

“Will you be there, if it happened to not be alright?”

He didn’t even have to think about the answer for a moment.

“Of course I’ll be there. Always”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last part of unconditional fluff (for now of course)  
> Also to y'all who are still reading this thing: how the hell do you keep up with this long ass fanfiction? Lol  
> It was supposed to be a Kogagoshi but it turned out to be a now-almost-30-chapters-long story about Goshiki and his misadventures  
> Anyway now it's 1AM so goodnight :)


	30. Red

**Kogane <3:**

_“Hey. I know I get always extra clingy when I’m sad without even noticing”_

_“Sorry if I was a little too much”_

_“Next time if you’re uncomfortable, just tell me :)”_

“No way”

Tendou looked up from his phone, meeting Goshiki’s eyes in a more than amused look. He barged into laughter.

“This guy! Really, if what you told me it’s true-“

“It is” Goshiki sighed.

“I can’t believe it! You two are amazing, I swear! I love you!!”

Goshiki hid his face in his hands, feeling his cheeks becoming redder. He needed to tell someone what happened (he omitted the details) or else he felt like he could explode. Besides, he also wanted to try out red nail-polish, so what better choice than Tendou?

So here they were now, sitting on Goshiki’s bed, painting each other’s nails and gossiping like middle-schoolers.

“I don’t know what to think! He gives off mixed signals!”

“Mixed signals? Tsutomu, sweetie, he’s literally so obvious”

Goshiki groaned.

“I don’t think he could ever like a guy like me”

Tendou gently took his left hand, and started painting red his thumb, a focused expression on his face.

“But Tsu, everybody likes you. You’re amazing”

Goshiki wasn’t convinced at all.

“If you say so…”

“We’ll have to discuss about your self-esteem issues, at some point”

“But I-“

“Woah, careful” said Tendou, as Goshiki shifted suddenly on the bed “You don’t want your hands to look like you just committed first degree murder, don’t you? Try to stay still”

“Right, sorry”

Goshiki sighed. He was well aware of the fact that he tent to be _a little_ insecure about… eh, about himself in general. But it’s not like he could really help it; not when he spent every other day with the most amazing person on this planet.

Koganegawa was blinding. He was too good, too kind, too gentle, too skilled. Goshiki felt like he couldn’t compete. And he didn’t mind, he really didn’t, because every day he was more and more glad to have someone like him by his side. But at the same time, he thought he would never be good enough for the other boy. Or at least, not enough to become more than a friend to him.

But how could you not fall in love with Koganegawa Kanji?

Every time he looked at him he couldn’t help but think, “ _Wow. He’s amazing. And what about me, then?”_

Ah, he wanted to write his thoughts down.

“Tsutomu”

Tendou was now painting Goshiki’s middle finger, and he happily noted how every nail was even and well-done. He felt really pretty; red polish suited him. But Tendou’s tone felt weird.

“Mh?”

“Sorry if it’s a little random, but I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while” he stopped the brush mid-track in the air, but he didn’t look up. He had his eyes slightly closed.

“So, I’m just going to say it now”

Goshiki raised an eyebrow.

“What is it?”

There was a pause of silence.

“I’m switching to they and them pronouns. It feels… more right for me, you know? That’s it”

Goshiki had his mouth agape now, staring down at Tendou who still wasn’t moving his hand.

_“Well, that was definitely not what I expected”_

I mean… Tendou has always been kind of orientated towards more feminine things, but Goshiki wasn’t one to base assumptions on stereotypes. And of course he didn’t have a problem with it; he wanted to see his upperclassman happy. Tendou deserved it, after doing so much for Goshiki. But yeah, it was indeed a little random.

He realized a little too late that maybe he should’ve said something, but Tendou was quicker.

“So… if you could try and use them for me, you’d make me really ha-“

“Of course I’ll use them!!” Goshiki spat out, cutting Tendou off.

The latter finally looked up, a small smile forming on his- no, _their_ lips. They let out a small, sincere laugh.

“… Really?”

“Yes!”

They chuckled again.

“You and Wakatoshi are always the best”

The two of them smiled, as Tendou started moving again and proceeded to work on Goshiki’s ring finger.

“I never really felt like a guy, you know” they started explaining, Goshiki listening carefully.

He wanted to let Tendou know that they didn’t have to justify their gender identity to him, but he also knew Tendou wasn’t stupid; they were already aware of that.

Plus, he was pretty sure that hearing someone talking so openly about it wouldn’t’ve hurt him. Especially now, after months of struggling, when he was finally starting to come to terms with his own sexuality and to embrace his true self.

And he lowkey admired how Tendou came out with such ease. He still had to reach that point.

“And when I was younger, I don’t know. I never seemed to fit in with anyone” they said, moving to Goshiki’s pinkie at last “And I thought it was because of my personality. I am well conscious of the fact that I’m not a easy person to be around”

Goshiki wanted to object, but he realized it would’ve been kind of useless. Besides, Tendou was right; but that didn’t mean they weren’t actually a great person.

“But I’ve been fitting so well with you guys from Shiratorizawa. So for the past months I’ve been trying to understand what was it that made me feel so alienated from you all. And one day I looked in the mirror, and I went like ‘Damn. Maybe the problem is not them as people. Maybe the problem is that they are all boys’”

Tendou finished to paint Goshiki’s left hand, letting it go and giving a big smile looking at their work.

“Eventually I found out. That night, I shaved my head”

Goshiki looked up at them.

“So? Do you like it?” they asked, hands on their hips and a proud expression on their face.

“I love them. Thank you, Tendou”

“No problem! All for my precious underclassman”

Tendou ruffled his bangs, making Goshiki giggle; right in that moment, they heard a knock on the door.

“Can I come in?” they head Goshiki’s mum’s muffled voice coming from the other side of the door.

“Uh, of course, yeah”

She opened the door, smiling widely and holding her phone. She looked beaming.

“Oh, hi Tendou. I didn’t know you were here”

She didn’t wait for a reply; she happily trotted beside Goshiki, holding her phone up and gesturing him to look at it. Goshiki squinted: was it… his sister’s contact?

He read the few messages that her and his mum had exchanged, growing more surprised by the second.

_“No way”_

“… Don’t tell me-“

“Your sister’s coming to visit us tomorrow!” she said excitedly.

Goshiki looked up at her, smiling slightly (yes, he refused to show that he was actually _happy_ to see his sister again).

“I’m going to leave you now because you guys seem kind of busy! I’ll tell you more about it later, Tsutomu!!”

She walked again towards the door, but as she was exiting the room she suddenly turned around.

“Oh, by the way” she glanced down at Goshiki’s hands.

“You look very pretty in red”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a soft uwu chapter in which I definitely didn't throw my non-binary Tendou headcanon  
> I'm not sorry at all


	31. Hanako and Hiroji

Tendou left after a while. Goshiki actually offered to paint their nails back at some point, but soon realized that he had the same preciseness of an old man with Parkinson, and ended up making a mess and spilling Tendou’s green nail-polish on the floor. After apologizing for probably the hundredth time, Tendou just helped him clean and did their nails themselves.

Thank God, because Goshiki was determined to never do it again. He would practice on himself, maybe.

When he closed his front door behind him, after waving goodbye to Tendou, he was really tempted to go upstairs again and start writing. It’s been a while since he felt this need to put his thoughts on a piece of paper – and maybe because now he finally opened up and started effectively _talking_ to his friends – and he had one or two things in mind. But before he could do anything, his mother called him from the living room.

“Tsutomu! Did Tendou left?”

“Yeah”

“Come here for a second then!!”

He did as he was told, entering the room and finding his mum happily shifting on the couch. She patted a spot beside her as to spur Goshiki to sit.

“It is about your sister!! She texted me a while ago”

Goshiki nodded and finally sat down, making himself comfortable.

“She said she has something very important to tell us, thus she’ll come here tomorrow in the early afternoon. I asked her to remain for a while of course! We’ve got a spare room, so she agreed to stay for a few days. Isn’t it great, Tsu?”

“Uh… yeah, I guess”

He tried to keep his coolness. He refused to show how much he actually missed her. They talked frequently, yeah, but Goshiki was used to have her around all the time. He lived with her for 12 years of his life, after all.

Goshiki Hanako was a strong and independent woman. Maybe the strongest Goshiki has ever met, after his mum of course. Despite the fact that they had a 7 years gap in age, she’s always been there for him, as long as he could remember. She wasn’t exactly Goshiki’s role model (she pissed him off more than anything else, actually), but the amount of respect he held for her was sure something.

They’ve always been fairly close, especially when they were younger, but, eh… she kind of distanced herself from Goshiki when their father left. To be fair, she distanced herself from everyone after that. And how could they blame her? She was 15, she needed him the most.

That’s why Goshiki never really got to know her husband. From what he’s heard from his mother, they met when she was 16 and fell in love. Hanako decided to move out of their home with him right after she finished high school; she said it was because she wanted to take her university courses in some fancy campus very far from Miyagi, but even 12-years-old Goshiki could tell that that was only part of the reason she did that. Her dedication to become a doctor was there, yes, but the reality was that she didn’t want to burden their mum even more.

She started working part-time jobs when she turned 16, because even though their father still payed for them, she knew that their mother was having a hard time. So, she saved and moved out with her now husband.

They saw each other rarely, actually, because of the distance and the fact that she was always busy.

So yeah, Goshiki was indeed happy to see her again.

“Come on, show a little more enthusiasm”

He sighed.

“Yahoo!” he cheered ironically. His mum rolled her eyes.

“You know what? Never mind, forget it”

They stayed in silence for a while. Goshiki was about to excuse himself and finally go upstairs, but once again he was cut off before he could do anything.

“You and Hiroji get along fairly well, don’t you?”

Hiroji was, as you could probably guess, Hanako’s husband.

And for once, Goshiki could genuinely say that he really found him a nice guy. It’s not like they actually got along, since the amount of times they saw each other was probably less than 10, but still.

The fact is, Goshiki sometimes really felt like his sister was trying to cut them out of her life. He wasn’t mad about it, because she still reached out for them from time to time, but Goshiki knew almost nothing about her and Hiroji. He’s only seen the little place they live in once, when they actually got married and he was invited to the wedding. When he got there, he couldn’t help but notice that their wedding party was full of faces he’s never seen before. They were all strangers.

“I guess, yeah”

“He’s a sweet guy. What do you think they want to tell us?”

He thought about it for a while, then snickered.

“I bet Hanako’s pregnant”

His mum gasped in surprise, and she looked really taken aback by the sudden information. Her expression was amusing.

“… No way. No, it’s impossible”

“Why? She’s been trying to have a baby for a while now, right?”

“I… but…”

She muttered something else, but Goshiki was too absorbed in his own fit of laughter to understand it.

“It’s not funny!”

“Have you seen your face? Why are you so shocked, anyway? It was going to happen, sooner or later!”

“Well, first of all, we still don’t know for sure if that is what she wants to tell us…!”

Goshiki was still giggling loudly.

“Tsutomu, come on! Could you imagine if your sister was _actually_ pregnant?”

“Well, yeah. I would make a great uncle, to be honest”

“This isn’t- I-“

He patted her on her back cheerfully, as she started rambling about how weird it sounded and how she didn’t know if she had the capabilities to be a grandma, or something.

“Come on, come on! I’m sure you’d make a great grandmother”

At that, she stopped her mumbling and let out a loud sigh.

“I guess I’ll have to figure this out”

Goshiki laughed again. Yeah, he could see why it sounded so strange to her. Still, pointing it out was funny.

She sighed again.

“Actually, I should’ve asked Tendou to do my nails too. Yours look amazing, I’m envious. He really did a great job”

“Uh, they” Goshiki corrected.

“What?”

“ _They_ did a great job. They go by they and them pronouns now”

His mum looked at him with a confused frown.

“They’re non-binary” he tried again.

Her frown deepened.

_“It seems it’s time. The talk about gender can’t wait any longer, apparently”_

“There are a few things you need to know”, Goshiki said as he adjusted his position on the couch. Evidently, he wasn’t destined to see his room for another while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Sorry if maybe this chapter was a little boring but (as always) I felt the need to open a parenthesis about Goshiki's sister  
> Yes, I am fully aware of the fact that she doesn't exist in the canon universe so this is all kind of pointless. But hey, I love rambling about Goshiki's life so you'll have to wait a couple of chapters more for the Kogagoshi content  
> Sorry lol


	32. Family Dinner

“Damn! This house is always the same, huh?”

Goshiki heard Hanako yell on the doorstep. He peeped out of the living room, looking at her and her husband walking in with two big sport bags (presumably full of clothes). He walked towards them, with the intent in mind of helping them settle their stuff down, but the moment he stepped out of the living room his sister let out a small gasp.

“Oh. My. God” she grinned cheekily “Tsu!!!”

Dropping her bag, Hanako half-sprinted towards him and wasted no time trapping him in a tight, bone-crushing hug. Goshiki groaned, and loosely returned the hug.

“Show a little more enthusiasm for seeing your big sis again, will you?”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Welcome back”

A small and soft blush was spread across his cheeks, and that was enough for Hanako to understand. Goshiki vaguely registered Hiroji walking trough the door, and greeting his mum with a barely-there shy smile.

“But, damn. Damn! You’ve become even more handsome!! Tsu, I’m jealous”

She squeezed his cheeks lightly, making him groan even louder. She was always so affectionate anytime she came visiting. And if part of Goshiki didn’t mind, the other part of him always felt so embarrassed when she did that.

“Holy sh- I mean, holy crap!”

Hiroji eyed him from head to toe, a slightly shocked expression on his face.

“Tsutomu, damn. You’ve grown like, ten centimetres since last time! Akie, what the hell do you feed him?”

His mum giggled sheepishly.

“He’s growing so fast, right?”

Goshiki would’ve loved to tell them to stop treating him like a five-year-old, but he shoved this impulse in the back of his head and instead reached for Hanako’s bag.

“Tsu, I know where I have to put this. No need to take it for me” she said smiling, then proceeded to take her husband’s bag as well and happily jogged upstairs, disappearing behind a wall to the small spare bedroom.

“Always so cheerful, isn’t she?” Goshiki commented quietly, trying to suppress a smile that threatened to wander on his face.

“She was excited to see you all again”, Hiroji simply responded.

It was already late in the afternoon when they arrived, so when Hanako came back after settling hers and her husband’s stuff, Goshiki and his mother were already cooking dinner. Hiroji (who knowingly had no culinary skills) stood on the doorway, while Hanako (who never learned how to cook as well) was sitting on the table swinging her legs back and forth.

Goshiki had missed this. Of course he liked his mother’s company, but… seeing the house more crowded made a warm feeling spread in his chest.

“So, how’s it going to that fancy school of yours? You are getting good grades, right?”

Goshiki laughed nervously.

“I, uh… I’m doing good in, well… most of the subjects”

“He’s decently passing most of them, except for physics. I have yet to see him coming home with an acceptable mark. He makes me want to cry”

“Don’t be so dramatic, mum! I get bad grades, but they’re not _that_ bad” he pouted.

“Then how the hell did you end up with a 7% on your latest test?”

“I-“

Hanako burst into an exaggerate fit of laughing, finding the situation way funnier than it actually was. Hiroji snickered, too.

“Not you too, Hiroji! I thought you were on my side!”

“My wife’s a doctor, Tsutomu. She spent hours upon hours explaining me that kind of stuff, when we were younger”

“But still-!”

His mum shook his head and let out a sigh. Oh, come on! There were a lot of subjects to study! Who cares if he fails one of them? Goshiki had tried, but he barely kept up with maths and science; and physics was like, a combination of the two! It wasn’t humanely possible!

“You’re lucky you’re good at volleyball. And good-looking, too” his sister said, making him groan.

“Will you stop?”

Dinner was soon ready. Hanako hopped off the table, and helped to set it (“Everything’s in the exact same place it’s always been! Do you ever change something in this house?!”).

Settling down, all four of them, Goshiki felt like a little kid again for a moment. Him and his sister would spend all day fighting and bickering, and then dinner would be ready and their father would greet them with a kiss on the cheek. He was the one who taught Goshiki how to cook.

And then they would eat together, and talk about their days, and Hanako and his mum would always be the ones that handled the talking because even at the time Goshiki was a little volleyball nerd, and no one could stand him talking about volleyball for too long. And he was fine listening, and focusing on his food.

Easier times, were they.

“So, Tsu”

“Mh?”

“Did something exciting happen while I was far away?”

Hanako stuffed a big chunk of meat in her mouth, wating for a reply.

“Mhh… Ah, yeah! I made a friend”, he said smiling.

He was about to go on (bragging about Koganegawa was his second favourite thing right after volleyball), but his sister suddenly dropped the chopsticks on the plate, which made a loud ‘clack’ sound as they landed; a shocked expression was now painted on her face.

“No way”, she said under her breath “No way!! It’s been _so_ long since I’ve seen you with a friend! I am so happy for you Tsutomu!”

He gasped in outrage.

“Pardon? What are you trying to imply?!”

“That you never had friends”

“Hanako! That’s not nice!” their mother scolded.

“But I’m right, am I?”

“What? I _did_ have friends!”

“No you didn’t! And those fuckers from middle school don’t count”

“Language, young lady!”

“I wasn’t talking about them! I was referring to-“

“Guys, please, will you quiet down and eat?”

“I don’t-“

“ENOUGH!”

Goshiki’s mum yelled. Then, she exhaled slowly, and immediately regained her composure. Everybody was froze on the spot.

“Tsutomu, what were you saying? About Koganegawa”

“Uh, yeah, I-“ he cleared his throat “I met him at a, uh, a training camp I attended last year… And he asked me to hang out sometimes, so I agreed, and we became friends. We’re… close, yeah. Mum adores him”

“He’s a sweet boy” she confirmed.

“And I’m also growing closer to some of the members of my team. Like Tendou! They’re the one who painted my nails”

Goshiki raised his hands, as to prove his point.

“Oh, I didn’t notice them before. You look pretty in red”

“I know”, Goshiki smiled happily.

“Tendou are very sweet, too! A bit weird sometimes, but sweet” his mum added. Goshiki giggled.

“Mum. You do not use ‘are’ when you say their name. You only use the plural form when you say ‘they’ and ‘them’”

She hesitated with a dumbstruck expression, while Hanako and Hiroji – who hasn’t talked for most of the dinner, but he’s always been a quiet guy – began laughing.

“Guys, come on! I’m trying to learn!”

She pouted.

Goshiki joined the laugh immediately after, and even his mum cracked out a smile in the end.

He felt so glad to have them. He had missed his sister so, so much. The something her and her husband wanted to announce them was long forgotten, at least for that day.

That’s why dinner ended too soon, to Goshiki’s disappointment. They cleaned up, Hiroji locked himself in the bathroom for a quick shower, and they all retired in their own bedrooms. Well, all except Goshiki.

Without even bothering to knock, he stormed in the spare room and dropped himself on the bed, next to Hanako; she raised an eyebrow. She was silently combing her hair, on the edge of the bed, already tucked in a comfy hoodie and a pair of baggy pants. The orangey light of the lamp on the bedside table was flooding the room in a cozy atmosphere.

“What are you doing here?”

She almost sounded annoyed, but she was smiling. That was good enough for Goshiki to stay.

“You missed me so much, that now you want to spend the night with me? I’m already married, you kn-“

“Oh, cut the crap. I came here to tell you something”

He looked at the ceiling for a moment, arms wide on the bed and pretending he wasn’t feeling Hanako’s burning gaze on his skin. He took a deep breath.

Come on, he knew what he had to do. He’s done it before – well, not exactly, but that wasn’t the point. He could do it again, right?

He shut his eyes for a moment, allowing himself to hesitate. Deep breaths.

“Tsu?”

“I’m bisexual” he spat out, and he prayed his voice didn’t sound as shaky as he heard it to be.

There was a long, long pause of silence. He held his breath. Maybe he should’ve said something else; but he kept his mouth closed.

“… That’s it? I already knew, you silly bastard”

Goshiki pulled himself up on his elbows, turning his head to her so fast he could’ve as well broken his neck. He almost choked on his own saliva in doing so.

“I’m sorry?”

“I knew it already”

“I-“

He gaped, unsure of what to say next.

What the actual fuck.

“How did you-“

“I’m your older sister, Tsu! I knew it, and I’ve been knowing for-“

“Akie told her via text, the day you came out to her”

Hiroji’s voice echoed from the doorstep. Goshiki turned to look at him.

“You too?!”

Hanako, on the other hand, wore a shocked expression on her face.

“The betrayal?!” she half-yelled.

Goshiki covered his face with both of his hands, dropping on the mattress again in a defeated motion.

“What the fuck. What the fuck”

“I’m sorry. We had to tell Akie that it is not appropriate to out people without their consent, but it was too late”

Goshiki felt a hand ruffling his hair, but he kept covering his eyes.

“Besides, it’s fine. You idiot” she chuckled.

“But next time you better remember to knock, or else I’m going to beat your ass. Understand?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goshiki will slowly but surely come out to everyone and his bisexuality will one day take over the world  
> Idk why this chapter turned out so long?????? I haven't written in a while because I was too tired from school and online classes, so today I had a weird burst of energy or something lol  
> Also: guys what the fuck. 2300 hits? What the hell. I thought no one was gonna read this I-  
> Thank you so much ;-;  
> One last thing: stan Goshiki's sister  
> Ok bye


	33. Fondness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAHH I was so busy these days!  
> I was stressed, the elections are scary af (I'm not even American??? Lol) and my state is currently dealing with a second lockdown. So yeah, I'm having a hard time fitting in some time to write. In fact, it is currently 2:30 AM and tommorrow I have school lmao

Goshiki was still brushing his teeth when he heard the doorbell ring. Spitting the toothpaste in a hurry, he grabbed his stuff and ran downstairs, to the front door, happy to note that he was the first one to get there.

He opened the door, impatient.

“Goshiki!!”

The usual, beaming smile welcomed him, as Koganegawa stepped forward (careful to not stand beyond the landing with all the shoes). Goshiki smiled as well, opening his arms slightly.

“Hi, Kogane”

He was once again trapped in a long, warm hug – would it ever stop to feel so nice?

“I missed you!”

“But we’ve seen each other like, four days ago” he chuckled.

“It’s still too much”

But of course, their heart-warming sort of reunion couldn’t last long. Nope, not in the Goshiki household, and especially not with Hanako around. And Goshiki had to admit, he for a moment hoped that he wouldn’t have had to introduce Koganegawa to his sister. But as Hanako’s voice came from behind him, each and every one of his previous hopes shattered.

“Tsu, who’s this?”

Pulling away from their hug (reluctantly), Goshiki turned around.

“Uhh… Hanako, this is Koganegawa. I mentioned him to you two days ago at dinner, haven’t I?”

Koganegawa looked between the two of them, and seemed to suddenly realize something.

“Hanako? You’re Goshiki’s sister??”

“The one and only”, she announced with a proud smirk. Goshiki pretended to not hear, as he took his shoes and starting putting them on as fast and as nonchalantly as he could. Which wasn’t much, but still.

Hanako eyed Koganegawa up and down, stepping closer with her hand on her hips.

“So, finally we meet” she said, her voice a little lower than the moment before.

“I kind of expected you to be shorter”

There was a pause of silence. Goshiki turned to his sister, a mildly horrified expression on his face. Oh, no; no, she didn’t just say that.

“Excuse me?” asked Koganegawa innocently.

“Nothing, just… damn”

“Hanako, could you-“ Goshiki tried, but was cut off.

“Take care of him while you’re hanging out, alright?”

Goshiki finished tying his laces. He jumped on his feet, and was about to _run_ the fuck out of his house. But again, before he could do something, Koganegawa spoke.

“Of course! He’ll take care of me as well. It’s mutual”

“Good,” Hanako smiled widely.

That was too much. Goshiki took Koganegawa’s sleeve, grabbed his coat – without even putting it on – and dragged the other boy out of the door, muttering a quick goodbye. He didn’t look back, until they were far enough for him to not be able to see his front door.

Realizing he has been holding onto Koganegawa the whole time, Goshiki let go of his sleeve and stopped for a moment.

“Please, excuse my sister’s behaviour” he said, wearing his coat.

“She’s embarrassing”

Koganegawa shook his head vigorously.

“What are you talking about? She seems so cool. I thinks she likes me”

“Shut up, everybody likes you. It doesn’t count”

Never, not once in his entire life, had Goshiki wished to be born voiceless as much as he did right now. Who thought that giving _him_ the gift of speech would’ve been a good idea?

“A very passive-aggressive way to compliment me, but I’ll take it” he grinned.

Goshiki wanted to bury himself out of embarrassment.

“Oh, just- let’s just get over with the reason we’ve met each other today in the first place”

Yeah, because just the day before, Koganegawa finally had his second appointment with the woman who diagnosed him his ADHD. And Goshiki would be lying, if he said that he didn’t spend the entire day with the small, persistence vice of anxiety settled in the back of his stomach. Oh, he couldn’t even concentrate in class; he thought about it all day long.

Thankfully, Koganegawa seemed his usual self when he texted him on his way home, after the appointment. Even today, walking beside him, he looked fine. Still, he’d refused to tell Goshiki any detail, because ‘they needed to talk about it in person’. Fair enough. At least he had an excuse to meet with him again.

“Oh, right. Almost forgot”

Goshiki almost rolled his eyes because of course he did. But he was dying to know what had happened, so he shut up. They subconsciously started walking down the usual familiar route to the mall, he noticed fondly.

“So, as I guess you may have understood by now, judging by my mood: it went well”

“Really?? I’m so happy for you!!” Goshiki reached out and ruffled for a second Koganegawa’s hair, making him giggle. He could breathe, now that he knew for sure that everything went alright.

“Go on, go on! Tell me what happened”

“So…” he begun “ I kind of… temporized the conversation about it with my mum. Like… I entered the room of the appointment and she still didn’t know about any of my concerns”

“Kogane, what the he-“

“I was nervous alright? And I kept postponing the talk… so the lady said hi to me and my mum, and I was about to start shaking because there, just there I understood how badly I fucked up”

Goshiki groaned, smacking softly the back of Koganegawa’s neck for good measure. He couldn’t hold back a smile, though.

“So: I went in, I sat down, and I realized that I couldn’t hold myself back any longer or else I would’ve said something stupid at the wrong time. So I just impulsively embarrassed myself by shouting like, ‘I want to keep playing volleyball and I want it to be my job’. Or… something along those lines…”

Koganegawa sighed.

“And they looked at me and they were both so confused, and I wanted to throw myself out of the window”

Goshiki tried to not let out a laugh. He couldn’t even decide if he found the other boy cute or hilarious at this point. Probably both, which was a dangerous mix.

“The doctor stared for a couple of seconds and went, ‘I’m sorry?’. She looked so lost”

At that, Goshiki burst into a fit of laughter, finding the entire situation absurd. It was so a Koganegawa thing to do.

“Goshiki! Come on! No, stop laughing!!”

He said that, but he was smiling too.

_“He’s adorable”_

Koganegawa scrunched his nose, sticking out his tongue and pretending to look away, offended.

_“Too adorable”_

“Go on! I want to hear the rest of the story”

Koganegawa mumbled, then proceeded with his little tale.

“So I basically told them about the whole situation, while trying to convince myself that I didn’t look too red or too awkward in the meantime” he paused, smiling “and they both understood somehow. My mum scolded me for not telling her earlier, and the kind lady just scribbled something on a paper and told me that we could totally try therapy for my specific case. So yeah… apparently I don’t need medications, at least for now. Which is good”

Goshiki stopped dead in his track, almost jumping out of happiness. Koganegawa halted right after him; he couldn’t even turn around properly, that Goshiki was already throwing his arms around his neck, a big smile pressed against the other boy’s shoulder.

“I’m so happy!! And so proud of you, you big idiot” Koganegawa returned the hug softly “I would lift you up or something but that would probably cause permanent damages to my poor back. So, I don’t know, pretend I just lifted you up”

“Sometimes you’re kind of a little bitch, you know?”

They laughed again. How could someone make him so happy every time? It was unfair.

“No, but seriously. I should thank you properly. I would’ve just panicked if it wasn’t for you”

Koganegawa pulled back, just the bare minimum, enough to look at Goshiki in the eye.

“Thank you. And I mean it, Tsu”

Oh, no. Goshiki could’ve melted there.

His heart was beating so fast, it could’ve exploded. Dying like this would’ve been fine, Goshiki thought. Warmness spread in his chest, on his cheeks, and he tried to stop staring but how could he? Not when Koganegawa was staring back at him, with fondness in his eyes, a little smile on his face.

He shook those feeling away for a second, just a second, to be finally able to talk again.

“No problem. That’s what friends are for, dummy”

He stepped back, pulling away from the hug – maybe a little too abruptly – before he could do something he would’ve regretted.

“Now, let’s go! I’m happy for you, but I’m also hungry”

Goshiki began walking, Koganegawa immediately on his side again.

He just hoped he didn’t ruin the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of mad because Furudate just said that Goshiki is canonically an only child and Koganegawa has a little sister :(  
> It's a little too late I guess


	34. Tadpoles

They arrived at the coffee shop soon after. And in all honesty, Goshiki couldn’t help but drift to his thoughts every two damn seconds to rethink about Koganegawa’s words. God, he was so whipped it wasn’t even funny.

But seriously. ‘Tsu’?

 _“What the shit what the fuck what in the bitchass looking fucking fuck”_ was all his poor brain could process after that. Half-listening to whatever Koganegawa was saying – something about golden retrievers, probably – he concentrated on the strong, warm feeling in his chest that hearing his name from the other boy’s lips had made him feel. He peered over his drink, gazing again at Koganegawa who was moving his hands around dramatically.

Goshiki relaxed his shoulders a bit. It was going to be fine. He still had at least a little control over his emotions, right? He was a total mess, yeah, but it’s not like he couldn’t-

“Tsu, are you okay?”

Goshiki jumped on the spot.

Oh my God, he was so fucked.

“Yeah, I just zoned out a little. Sorry about it” he chuckled, trying to play it off “What were you talking about?”

“Nothing, just how much I love puppies. And dogs. And- yesterday I saw a baby Labrador on the street, and I swear I could’ve petted him for hours. Hours! I feel weak”

“You kind of sound like that one kid in elementary school that complains all the time because his parents won’t buy him a dog” Goshiki commented, trying to get into the conversation before he could doze off again.

“Because I am. I begged my parents for years, and I kid you not, years” he sighed, pouting defeatedly “but they never agreed to let me keep a dog. Our house is too small, they say”

“I kind of wanted a pet too at some point, but no one was ever home because of either school or work, so we couldn’t afford one. And I’m not really a cat person… cats don’t like me”

Koganegawa sulked in his seat, playing with the straw in his drink. Goshiki thought about something to say to cheer him up.

“You know”, he said, getting the other boy’s attention immediately “I remember one time, when I was like… nine years old I think? My sister and I still slept in the same room”

He avoided eye contact, looking down at his cup.

“One day she came home, and pulled out a little jar from her bag. You know what was there in that damn jar?”

Koganegawa tilted his head to the side, frowning slightly.

“Five tadpoles”

Goshiki shrugged at the sole memory of that day, but when he saw that he earned a soft laugh from the other boy, he continued.

“Next thing I remember, I screamed. Really, really screamed. Our mum came upstairs in a hurry, threw open the door, and had to witness little me crying desperately on the bunkbed, while Hanako tried to make me hold that stupid jar because ‘See? They’re not scary! They’re little!’. And she was _sixteen_. Sometimes I think she genuinely enjoys torturing me”

Koganegawa rested his head on his fists, smiling.

“But she was right! Tadpoles are tiny and cute”

“Cute? Tadpoles are ugly, wiggly and slimy! She knew I didn’t like them and she knew she couldn’t keep them anyway!” he sighed, “Mum got very mad and told her to put them back from where she found them. I never saw them again, thankfully”

“Your sister seems like quite the type. From what you’ve told me, she’s your exact opposite”

“Nah, not exactly… we’re more similar that it looks, she was just blessed with my mum’s stronger personality”

Koganegawa hummed in response.

“By the way, is there a particular reason she came visiting?” he asked after a moment of silnce.

“Actually-“ Goshiki stopped for a moment, suddenly remembering the messages Hanako and their mum had exchanged about it. Her and Hiroji probably had totally forgot, too.

“Uh, yeah. She wanted to tell us something, she said”

“Uuuh, so an important announcement”

Goshiki snickered.

“Yeah. I bet she’s pregnant”

The rest of the afternoon went by pretty quickly. They hung around, Goshiki tried not to die every time Koganegawa called his name (he seemed to have taken a liking to calling him ‘Tsu’, so Goshiki would eventually have to get used to it), and he had a pretty good time.

Maybe a little too good, because the moment he stepped inside his house, he forgot instantly about whatever Hanako and Hiroji wanted to talk about.

So they had dinner, went to sleep, and now here they were: Goshiki was in the spare room, sitting on the bed, helping his sister and her husband packing their robes and belongings; deep down, he kind of wished they could’ve stayed a couple of days more.

He was going to miss the new noisiness that had settled into the house during those few days, he thought as he folded a pair of Hiroji’s pants and tucked them in his bag. But, of course, he was never going to say it out loud.

Right as he was thinking this, Hiroji came back from the bathroom.

“Ah, thanks Tsutomu. I’ve got here my toothbrush and stuff… I think I took it all”

“Hey, are you guys ready?”

Hanako peeped from the door and smiled.

“Yeah, one sec”

Goshiki knew they had both a job to maintain, and he knew his sister had to study hard for her university courses; but seeing them on the doorstep, about to leave, was a little more melancholy that he’d ever like to admit.

“Oh, I’m going to miss you so much, you dumb brat”

Hanako hugged him tightly, patting him on the back. He growled, but slowly moved his arms and wrapped them loosely around her shoulders.

“Whatever you say”, he smiled.

As Hanako proceeded to go and give their mother his same treatment, Hiroji stepped closer, too.

“You’re a good guy. Take care, alright?” he patted him on the shoulder.

“Will do”

There was a long moment of silence, as Hanako walked beside her husband again. The four of them looked into each other’s eyes.

“I’ll miss you, dear” Goshiki’s mum started to say fondly “and please make sure to t-“

“WAIT!”

Hanako widened her eyes.

“Wait, wait! Hiro!” she turned to him “We’re dumb! We’re absolute morons!”

The three of them stared at her, a dumbstruck expression on their faces. Hiroji looked lost.

“I’m sorry?”

“Oh, come on!! I CAN’T BELIEVE WE FORGOT”

“We forgot… what?”

Something in Goshiki’s head clicked. Oh, right.

“The reason we came here in the first place!!”, said his sister hurriedly.

Their mum blinked a couple of times, her smile switching to stiffer one. Goshiki, on the other hand, was amused.

“Oh?” he said, now suddenly more interested, and noticing his mum’s change of behaviour “What about it?”

“Kind of weird to say it like this”, said Hiroji taking his wife’s hand.

They both laughed awkwardly.

“Uh, yeah” she gulped.

The tension was palpable, but Hanako seemed unbothered by it.

“Basically…” she smiled a little more widely, and paused again.

“I’m pregnant! Surprise, I guess!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another silly little chapter for my silly little story  
> Sorry it's not great, but that concludes the Goshiki's Sister Saga. Stay tuned for more cringe


	35. At Peace

“… and then it was the chaos!”

Goshiki sat on the little bench on the side of the court, taking a long sip from his water bottle.

“My mum had to sit down and she was halfway between happy and about to throw up, and the whole house was in turmoil! Hiroji _apologised._ I don’t think I’ve ever been this amused in seeing my mum freak out” he sighed softly “I can’t believe I’m going to be an uncle!!”

Shirabu sat down beside him, running a hand through his bangs. Goshiki noticed a little, rainbow bracelet hanging from his cuff.

“Goshiki, dear” he sighed heavily “it’s the fourth time you retell this story”

“I know!!! I’m sorry, I’m just really excited!”

“Yeah, I kind of figured it out. But the poor first years over there” he gestured at three boys sitting near them “are going to cry if you brag about this again”

“You’re just saying this because _you_ are the one who’s tired to listen to me!”

“Nice try, Sherlock” Shirabu smirked, making Goshiki scoff.

He was about to reply something, but his attention was drawn towards Shirabu’s armlet again. The other boy shifted around a little to at least pretend that their five minutes break would’ve been enough to regain all the energy they needed.

It was a simple looking bracelet, nothing special; a small, colourful band.

“It’s a nice bracelet” he commented.

Shirabu looked at him, then at his wrist. He opened his mouth to say something, but right in that moment the acute sound of their coach’s whistle echoed in the gym; the two of them ran on court again, a silent agreement to talk about it later.

That day, practice was good. Being in a nice mood always made him enjoy things more, and Goshiki really needed to relieve all the excitement he had been feeling for the past day.

He thought about the upcoming nationals qualifications. The Spring High was going to be even more tough that the Interhighs they faced earlier that school year. And it had Goshiki worried, of course, but at the same time he felt excited. Like, really fired up. It was a big thing, wasn’t it?

And he really didn’t want to build up great expectations about it, because the last thing he needed was to lie to himself and be left disappointed in the end. But he couldn’t help it! The sole concept of going out there and shine and beat everyone made him feel just, so powerful.

So he let himself get lost in those thoughts, as he concentrated in between one spike and another.

The moment he entered the locker room, right after practice ended, he dropped himself on one of the benches and let out a satisfied sigh; damn, he was exhausted.

He watched as everyone started to get changed, slowly getting up and doing the same. The changing room began to empty, so much so that when he sat down beside a very tired Shirabu, the two of them were the only ones left in there.

“My dad gifted this to me, yesterday” said Shirabu, smiling at his little bracelet.

“Oh” Goshiki went silent for a moment.

“OH??! That’s- that’s, wow!!”

“Wh-”

“I mean, it’s amazing!! Really!”

Shirabu chuckled, and his expression darkened a bit.

“I’m so happy for you!”

“Yeah…” he said, still not looking at him “He came home from work a little late and handed me this. It was very awkward, embarrassing almost. But…”

Goshiki impulsively threw his arms around Shirabu’s neck, making him flinch. He relaxed his shoulders a little.

“I’m so glad to hear that”

“… Me too”

He remained silent for a couple of seconds.

“He apologized…” his voice cracked a little as he returned hesitantly the hug “for- for what he told me time ago”

Shirabu sniffled.

“And he told me that he loves me and he believes me and he wants to support me- and I’ve been waiting for so long…”

Goshiki held him a little tighter, rubbing his back gently.

“And now I finally feel fully accepted and it’s just… so nice. Feeling loved and all, you know…?”

“Mmmh, yeah”

Goshiki pulled away and looked into Shirabu’s teary eyes. He squashed his cheeks with both hands.

“Hey, no need to cry about it”

“Shut up. I’m just happy, okay?” he wiped his face, but the glassy eyes didn’t go away.

“And you’re the first one I told that. It’s still fresh and I’m emotional”

“Should I feel important or something, then?”

“You’re on think fucking ice, Goshiki” said Shirabu, but he smiled.

“No, wait, but for real. I’m so happy for you”

“Ugh, you said that already! Will you stop making me feel appreciated?”

“Nope”

Goshiki smiled again and ruffled Shirabu’s hair, making him wide his eyes in slight shock and annoyance.

He got up quickly, gathering his bag and snickering.

“You are crossing the line, you ungrateful little bastard!! You hear me?” yelled Shirabu.

But Goshiki saw him smiling, as he ran out of the locker room before the other boy could catch him.

Outside, a nice orangey light flooded the campus.

He inhaled the sharp air, walking to his dorm room planning to take a shower and procrastinate his homework, somehow pretending it didn’t exist.

And he felt at peace, for a moment.

He didn’t worry about nationals, nor about grades, or anything of the kind.

Those weird, random bursts of calmness came occasionally after some of his volleyball practices. And he thought about it for a moment.

Many times he reflected on the reason why he still kept playing, even after all the losses and the disappointment and the sadness. And he figured it out.

You see, playing volleyball for him wasn’t just a passion, like he first thought it was. Because yeah, the burning feeling of spiking the ball and standing on the court was there, and anytime he could obtain a good serve or a clean receive he felt big. Extraordinary!

But that was not entirely it.

Volleyball was his coping mechanism, he realized. He kept losing, and losing, but every time he came back and played till he didn’t feel the weight of the defeat anymore. It was a vicious cycle that he didn’t mind in the slightest.

And maybe that was the reason of his tranquillity. That was why he felt so free.

Rubbing his hands together for the cold, he looked up to the big, pinkish clouds.

“Good to know, I suppose”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to part 75387583 of me projecting my own emotions into Goshiki through his journey of self discovery!  
> And I swear the plot is coming. Gimme one more chapter!! I just can't bring myself to rush things, sorry about it


	36. One AM

“Calm down. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be alright”

Goshiki was walking back and forth around his dorm room, trying to stay calm. Spoiler: he wasn’t doing a good job.

He groaned in frustration, taking another look at the calendar hung on the cork board. A week till the beginning of the Spring High tournament.

“It’s a whole week! A week is a lot. It’s a lot, right?”

He was calm. He’d been perfectly put together until the day before. So why, oh why was he up at half past midnight on a Tuesday?

_“Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you drank like, two cans of cola for dinner”_

Was that it?

It was indeed a little too early to be excited about nationals’ qualifications. But Goshiki wasn’t going to admit to be _that_ weak. He glanced once again at the calendar; and he was about to exhale another sigh, when his gaze was captured by the sheet of paper that was pinned just beside it.

Koganegawa’s drawing.

He took a long, long look at it. Then, he dropped himself on the bed, taking his phone from the edge of it while it was still charging.

_“Should I text him?”_

I mean, it was late. He was probably sleeping.

But trying wouldn’t hurt, right?

Goshiki opened their chat, and typed a quick _“You asleep?”_.

Not that he was expecting anything; still, his phone lit up with a notification a fistful of minutes later. He reached for it (maybe a little too abruptly), but pushed it down the bed instead and made it fall with a loud, dry sound, that echoed in the silence of his dorm block. He froze on the spot.

When he heard nothing outside of his door, he slowly picked it up (it wasn’t broken, fortunately) and read the message on the screen.

**Kogane <3<3:**

_“The hell are you doing up??? It’s late”_

**You:**

_“I could ask you the same thing ._.”_

**Kogane <3<3:**

_“I forgot to mute the phome before going to sleep”_

_“You message woke me up lol”_

Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

**You:**

_“Shit. I am so sorry Kogane”_

_“I didn’t mean to wake you up”_

**Kogane <3<3:**

_“It’s too late now :(“_

**You:**

_“Go back to sleep!!”_

**Kogane <3<3:**

_“Nah. Hold on, I gotta pee”_

Goshiki snickered softly, and waited for a couple of moments.

**Kogane <3<3:**

_“Why are you awake btw???”_

**You:**

_“It’s a long story”_

That was a lie, but Koganegawa didn’t need to know.

There was no reply for a while. Thinking that the other boy had fallen asleep again, Goshiki turned off his phone; and he was about to get up and go, I don’t know, writing or something. But before he could do anything, he saw his phone lighting up again: this time, with an incoming call.

He answered in record time.

“I told you to go to sleep,” he chuckled quietly.

“Shut it, you were the one who woke me up in the first place”

“I already told you I’m sorry!!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Care to tell me what went through your brilliant mind when you decided text me at… what time is it?”

“Uhh… like, one AM I think”

“God. You’re lucky I-“ he interrupted himself for a moment “- am extremely kind and understanding, or else I would already be on my way to slaughter you in your sleep”

“That’s brutal!”

“A little, yeah. But now tell me why you’re up at this ungodly hour”

Goshiki looked around, at the calendar again. The first day of Spring High was circled in red.

“I couldn’t sleep. I was, uh, too nervous about… stuff”

“You want to talk about it? Since I’m already here”

“No biggie, really, just… a little too excited about nationals” he paused.

“… And, I lowkey chugged two cans of cola at dinner so now I can’t stay still”

“What are you, five?” he heard Koganegawa laughing from the other side of the phone, and groaned.

“See? This is why I didn’t want to tell you”

He pouted.

“But Tsu!! You’re so funny sometimes!” the other boy kept laughing.

A warm feeling arose in Goshiki’s chest, and he smiled too. Thank God Koganegawa couldn’t see him. When the latter calmed down, he heard nothing but silence for a couple of seconds.

“The incoming tournament is scary, isn’t it?”

Goshiki closed his eyes.

“Yeah. It kind of is. I guess I was a little more excited and less terrified last year. But you know, after what happened at the final…”

He let out a shaky breath.

“I guess I just… didn’t even have time to blame it on myself properly. We stepped on court, we lost, I cried in front of my whole team because Ushijima made me emotional… And here we were again, running laps and practicing like crazy with our coach, who mostly yells at me. And before I knew it, the third years graduated and now I’m here and I don’t even know if I’m ready”

He paused.

“I mean, I did train hard. But like… mentally. I could screw up everything because, I don’t know, I get too nervous and I miss all of my spikes. Or something”

“Mh. I think I get it”, responded Koganegawa “Not entirely though. Last year, Dateko lost pretty soon. Kind of disappointing to be honest”

Goshiki immediately regretted talking. That was so rude; suddenly, he felt way more tired. He opened his mouth to apologize, but Koganegawa was quicker.

“But I’m sure you’re plenty better now than you were last year. You practiced new things and shit, right?”

“Well… yeah, I did”

“Great! That means, you already improved”

He heard Koganegawa shifting in the sheets.

“I guess…”

“I bet- wait. Wait, I’ve got an idea” he said, a hint of urgency in his tone.

“Should I be scared, or…?”

“Oh, shut up. I just want to help!”

“Alright, go on then”

“What about, when our matches don’t happen at the same time, I come and watch you from the stands? Of course, only if you’re comfortable with that. I don’t want to pressure you even more!! But I don’t know, maybe a familiar face could help a little”

Goshiki thought about it for a moment.

“Yeah. That sounds great…”

He was starting to get really, really sleepy all of a sudden.

“My mum can’t usually come to any of my matches… So it would be very nice of you”

Koganegawa chuckled.

“See? I’m a great friend”

“Oh, shut up” he replied weakly “But I can come too if you wish. I’d like to see you set from the crowd. I can be your number one fan! Do you want me to bring a banner with your name on it?”

“What the hell”

“Yeah! And then I’ll squeal your name when you set, like ‘Oh, Kogane, you’re so mysterious and handsome!’. Or something like that”

They both burst into a fit of giggling.

“That sounds great, actually. You’d make a great fangirl”

Goshiki mumbled in approval.

He felt his eyelids heavy, now. Before he even knew it, he laid on the bed and closed his eyes.

“Tsu? Are you still there?”

He fell asleep immediately after, Koganegawa’s voice echoing in his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's pretend I did not just found out that I fucked up the entire part of the story about Goshiki's sister because he was supposed to be at school, shall we? Just... let's say the school was on fire or something alright


	37. Playoffs

Eventually, the Spring High came.

It was the first day. Shiratorizawa woke up early; they gathered in front of their bus, waited for their coach to show up (and start yelling as if it wasn’t 7 in the morning or something) and then hopped onto their ride to the sports hall where they would’ve faced their matches.

Goshiki sat on the front of the bus, but even from there he could sense the distress and tension that were all the more building upon his teammates.

He could feel it, they weren’t half as confident as the year before. It was unsettling, but there was nothing they could’ve done about it now.

The ride was short but silent. He had texted a quick good morning to Koganegawa when he woke up, but the latter hadn’t answered just yet; so, he tried to keep himself entertained and to distract himself by looking outside of the window. It almost worked.

The moment they arrived and got off the bus, they headed first thing to the board on which were exposed the playoffs. Since it was the first day, there were going to be quite a lot of teams – 16, to be precise – so they had to split up the matches during the day. That meant, Goshiki and the rest of Shiratorizawa could’ve had to play very soon, or they could’ve needed to wait till later that day.

The board with the playoffs of the boys matchups was quite crowded, as expected; and Goshiki just found himself to grow more and more nervous. He fiddled with his fingers, trying to remind himself that _“It will be fine”._ He had a full eight hours of sleep, he wasn’t feeling tired nor sore or stiff. They were prepared. There was nothing to be nervous about.

Then, he noticed with the corner of his eye Yunohama telling something under his breath to Shirabu, which turned around as well and murmured something to Kawanishi’s ear, glancing over at him. Kawanishi nodded, and started getting closer.

“Uh…” he approached slowly “Goshiki, are you okay? I mean, I get that you’re probably nervous” he scratched lightly the back of his neck “but you’re looking kind of pale. And, uh, your hands are shaking”

Goshiki looked down, to his hands.

“Ah, I hadn’t noticed” he laughed nervously.

“I’m just a little more self-aware than last year I guess. A little more worried is all. Don’t worry, it’ll be better the moment we’ll be able to look at those stupid playoffs”

“Ah, Akakura slipped in between people to try and take a better look. He’ll be back in moments, don’t w-“

“Oh, Tsu!!!”

A loud, familiar voice echoed in the hallway for everyone to hear: and everyone heard, in fact, because Koganegawa couldn’t really help his loudness. Annoying, someone may say, but Goshiki didn’t think he had ever been so happy to hear one of his opponents calling his name.

He turned around and was barely able to open his arms, as he registered Koganegawa trapping him in one of his usuals warm hugs. He smiled upon his shoulder.

“Hi, Kogane. How’re you feeling for today?”

Koganegawa pulled away (maybe a with a little too much strength) and grabbed Goshiki’s shoulders happily.

“I’m feeling great! Absolutely fantastic!!!”

Goshiki chuckled seeing this much enthusiasm from him. He was already feeling a tiny bit better.

“Have you already checked-“

Koganegawa started, but was cut off immediately by Akakura.

“I saw the playoffs!! Get ready, because we’re playing soon!”

“Against who?”, asked Shirabu immediately.

“Wakutani Minami!”

There was a moment of silence amongst them; then, Shirabu spoke again.

“Alright. We can do it guys! Let’s go put down our stuff, change and all that shit. I’ll go ask when we’re going to have to start warmups”

The team started heading off, following their captain’s orders.

“Ah- guys, do you mind if I wait here just for a little while? I’ll be with you in five minutes” asked Goshiki hesitantly.

They all eyed him up and down.

“Sure,” Shirabu smirked “just make sure you don’t spill our strategies to the opponent”

Then he turned around and walked away. Goshiki just really hoped he wasn’t blushing.

“So you’re playing soon!! Ahh, I can’t wait”

Goshiki laughed, as he noticed Dateko starting to approach Koganegawa.

“I’ve been kind of nervous, but I’m feeling a little better right now. I hope we’ll face each other”

As they spoke, the people crowded in front of the playoffs started to walk away. Before he knew, Goshiki was standing beside Koganegawa and his whole team, looking at the board.

“Aw, we’re playing later!” Koganegawa pouted. Goshiki noticed how his friend easily towered over all of Dateko, despite being a second year. He smiled at the thought.

“Patience, young pupil” said a boy with weird, bushy black hair, slapping Koganegawa on the back. Just then, as the latter let out a groan, the boy seemed to notice Goshiki’s presence. He raised an eyebrow, sceptically.

“Who’s this guy from Shiratorizawa?” he asked, in an accusatory tone.

Then, their captain (Fukutachi, if Goshiki recalled correctly) stepped in with a smug smirk.

“Don’t mind him, he’s one of Kanji’s friends. They’ve been attached to the hip, lately, haven’t you noticed?”

“I never saw him around the school”

“Yeah, I never came there”, confirmed Goshiki.

“Mh, whatever. Let them be”

“Ah!!” exclaimed a guy with a buzzcut, who apparently had been listening to the whole conversation “we’re facing each other tomorrow, on the second day”

Koganegawa widened his eyes, curving his lips upwards ever so slightly (he was already smiling widely).

“That’s amazing!” he shouted, wrapping an arm around Goshiki’s neck and pulling him closer once again.

If butterflies in the stomach were a thing, then Goshiki would’ve been fucking flying now.

“That’ll be interesting”, commented Fukutachi.

Goshiki allowed himself to crawl into Koganegawa’s warmth just for a moment longer, before deciding it was about time he excused himself and reached for his own team.

“I have to go now. I hope tomorrow’s match will be interesting”, he said smiling, now definitely more fired up than before.

Before turning around and go, he looked at Koganegawa for a moment; then, he pressed his index finger against the boy’s nose, smiling teasingly.

“Of course, only if you manage to win”

He began to speed-walk way immediately after.

“Hey! That counts for you too, you fucker!”

“I’m looking forward to it!! I’ll come watch your match later!”

He didn’t hear if there was a reply to that, but as he turned the corner he couldn’t help but smile to himself. Entering the changing room, he felt Shirabu’s burning gaze on him for a brief second.

“Angry Bird boy really does such wonders, huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGHH I hope I didn't get anything wrong! A friend of mine helped me trying to understand how tf this tournament works, but it's still very confusing and unclear to me  
> So please, if you notice any mistakes let me know!!  
> I'll go to sleep now cuz it's 2:20AM lmao


	38. Déjà-vu

The first day went… okay.

Not well. Not bad. Just okay. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better, certainly it hadn’t even been half as spectacular as it was the year before, when Ushijima was still on the team.

It was a nice match after all. Goshiki had cracked some pretty cool moves, the team was in shape and most importantly, they won. Wakutani was sure as hell persistent: they managed to win the first set against Shiratorizawa, but in the end they somehow took the lead of the match.

No one was really satisfied with that victory, but in the very end they had now the confirmation that they would play at least for another day. That afternoon, after the match, Goshiki was able to relax just a tiny bit.

Of course, after his cooldown exercises and after getting changed, he headed with no hesitation to Koganegawa’s match. His teammates said it would’ve been fine for him to go cheer for his friend for a while (even though, in the end, he was barely able to watch the end of the third and last set before Shirabu came to drag him out to the bus), so he did.

And oh, damn.

It’s not like he never saw Koganegawa set. He remembered the training camp they participated to the year before – how could he forget? – but sure as hell Koganegawa got ten times better at setting. And it wasn’t just that: there was a new bond within him and his team, something that wasn’t quite there the last time he saw one of Dateko’s matches. They were more coordinated, in synchro, and overall you could clearly tell that the levels of trust and faith in one another had gotten so much stronger.

 _“Trust, huh?”_ thought Goshiki with a tight smile. Koganegawa was a reliable guy; watching him and his team play in person was nothing like seeing one of their match on a tablet screen, like they were going to do that evening before going to bed.

Dateko scored a point. Goshiki jumped on his feet, letting out a loud cheer along with the acclamations from the school’s cheering squad (which for the record, was just passable. Nothing like the one they had at Shiratorizawa). Koganegawa, standing in the middle of the court, heavy-breathing and sweaty all over, turned around.

They locked eyes for a moment; Goshiki waved his hand excitedly, earning a big, beaming smile from the other boy. And to be honest, Koganegawa playing in a serious match such as this one, was much more hot that Goshiki would’ve ever been comfortable to admit out loud. Which was something, I guess.

He turned completely around to face Goshiki, made a mere attempt to strike a pose, and turned around once again, preparing himself for their turn to serve. Goshiki flopped back on his seat.

A big and lovestruck smile still on his face, right in that moment Goshiki understood that Dateko might’ve been a much more difficult opponent than he had initially thought.

And just like that, the second day came. Needless to say, Dateko won their first play in the end.

Today was the day. They’d finally face each other, in an official match, on opposite sides of the net. And Goshiki was visibly far more excited about it than the rest of his team.

“Goshiki, could you please stop tapping your foot on the ground?” asked Kawanishi, as they were sitting in the changing room waiting for everyone to put on their uniform “You’re making me nervous”

“I’m sorry!! I’m just- looking forward to this match!”

“Yeah, I could figure out that much”

He started fiddling with the edge of his purple jersey, eyeing his teammates.

Silence was about to fill the room completely, as Shirabu spoke up, wearing his number 1 uniform and with a determined expression on his face.

“Alright everyone. We’re ready! We won yesterday, and we’re going to win today too. Can I get a ‘yahoo’ or something like that?”

The team exploded in loud yells, making Shirabu grin.

“Then let’s get out there. We need to start warmups soon”

Dateko was already on the court. They were still stretching, and to be honest? Looking at them from the court was completely different than watching them from the stands. How in the world was everyone so tall? They were massive, and not just Koganegawa. That white-haired guy, whose name was probably Aeno or Aone, looked like he was literally built as a fucking wall.

Impressive.

Goshiki hoped they’d look at least a little bit intimidating too.

Just as some first year was going to get the volleyballs, Goshiki saw Koganegawa looking for him among his teammates. When he finally found him, he stuck out his tongue and stroke a peace sign. Goshiki gave him the finger without hesitating. They laughed, and went back to their business again.

That was, until the referee got in position, and blew his whistle for everyone to hear. The two teams froze for a second, before the two captains walked towards each other to decide who was going to chose the side of the court and who was going to serve first. Oh, Goshiki could almost hear Shirabu and Fukatuchi sending each other snarky remarks as they shook hands. There were bolting thunders between them by the time they returned to their respective team.

“We’ll serve first,” announced Shirabu when he came back.

They settled into their sides of the court. Goshiki got in position, and held his breath; Sagae was going to be the first one to serve. The referee whistled again, and the match began.

Sagae served well. The ball flew to the other side of the net neatly.

“Mine!” yelled a guy with a buzzcut, receiving it evenly.

Koganegawa moved. He ran to the ball, his brown eyes flicking in a fraction of second around the whole court, and immediately after his fingers were touching the ball again and sending it sailing in the air. Flashes of yellow and blue were the only thing Goshiki could register, his waiting gaze fixed on the wing spiker who was just jumping to hit the set.

The ball flashed to their side of the court. Akakura shouted, receiving it and sending it in the air again.

“Nice one!”, Goshiki heard from his left. But he was focusing on something else now. He ran forward, eyes brimmingly gazing towards Shirabu.

“Over here!”, he said.

He barely registered Shirabu tossing the ball in the air, with the corner of his eye, as he finally acknowledged two middle blockers jumping in front of him. Blocking the view. Read block, huh?

Goshiki was almost temped to spike it through like Ushijima would’ve done; but he stopped himself before he could lead his team to lose the first point.

When his hands touched the volleyball, they did it lightly. It made a sweet arc in the air, missing both pair of arms of the two players in front of him. A suffocated ‘thud’ echoed through the gym, as a whistling sound confirmed Shiratorizawa’s first point.

“Seriously Tsu? A faint as your first move?”

Goshiki hadn’t even noticed that one of the guys who tried blocking him was Koganegawa. He noticed his frown, and laughed.

“And you better get ready for more”, he replied, walking back to his position with a smug grin.

And Goshiki really thought they had a chance there.

They played well, didn’t they? He scored a lot! He was reclaiming his title of ‘ace’!

Then why?

Or better: how? How did they manage to lose on the second set? How humiliating were they supposed to look?

It’s not like Dateko totally outpowered them. They lost by only a few points, during both sets.

When Dateko scored their last point, Goshiki didn’t even notice that the match ended. He got into position again, half-expecting someone – anyone – from Dateko to serve. Except, that didn’t happen. Dateko was cheering loudly, on their side of the court. Goshiki turned to look at his teammates.

The look on their faces was almost more devastating than the loss itself. Never, not even once, he had ever seen Shirabu look so disappointed. And he knew why was that.

 _“I can still try next year,”_ was probably what he told himself the year before, when they lost to Karasuno.

And Goshiki knew that much, because he wished with every fibre of his body that he could’ve done the same thing as well. But he couldn’t. His eyes were fixated on the other team. On Koganegawa.

Now he could grieve, just for a little while. He had every right to feel bad, _now_. He would think about Koganegawa later. One of them was obligated to lose anyway, right?

Goshiki walked over to Shirabu, who was biting his lower lip. They got in line, and as he slipped a arm around the other’s waist, rubbing his back softly, he almost got a déjà-vu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE FINALLY GETTING TO THE PART I'VE BEEN WANTING TO WRITE SINCE I BEGAN THIS STORY AAHHH  
> Also, excuse my poor ability to write a volleyball match, and please note that I misspell Futakuchi's name on purpose because Goshiki is terrible with names (he tries at least)


	39. Gut Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for disappearing for like, 2 weeks? Eheh  
> I've been too mentally drained to write anything, but I'll try to upload as much as usual now :)

“Thanks, mum”

Goshiki hopped out of the car and waved his hand.

“No problem! Don’t stay out too late, got it?”

“Don’t worry about it”

He was about to shut the car door, when his mother called him again.

“Tsutomu?”

“What?” he turned around.

“Have fun, alright?” she said with a soft, apprehensive smile. He hesitated.

“… Will do”

As he watched his mum’s car disappear in the distance, he pulled out his phone, looking for Koganegawa’s contact. And he was about to call him and tell him he had arrived, when he heard a muffled sound coming from inside the building in front of him – the one where Dateko was settled since the beginning of the tournament.

“- ow! I can walk on my own legs, you know? Hey-“

The building’s door burst open, almost hitting Goshiki who jumped backwards in surprise.

Koganegawa was now standing in front of him, two of his teammates pushing him out of the door in a not-so-nice way.

“Since you prefer hanging out with an opponent rather than with your own teammates” the one with the weird dark hair said, a fake offended expression on his face.

“Have fun without us, you traitor” added the captain, Fakutachi, moving his arms around dramatically.

“I don’t-“

As the three of them were bickering, a figure loomed just behind them.

Aone didn’t even say anything, but they immediately fell in complete silence. Everything was still for couple of moments, until the latter finally took Koganegawa’s teammates from the collar of their shirt, shutting the door close. Koganegawa let out a long sigh.

“Uh, yeah… sorry about them, I swear they’re joking”

Goshiki let out a small chuckle.

“I figured”

The two of them didn’t say anything for a handful of seconds, and Goshiki could’ve sworn that that was the most tension they ever experienced between each other since they met. Or maybe it was just him.

Koganegawa scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Well, I think I have about a hour and a half or so before the coach notices I’m gone. Maybe we should get going?” he said with a small smile.

“He doesn’t know you’re here?”

“Nope. Technically we’re not allowed to hang outside the building while we’re here, but who cares? I’ll just tell him I went for a run and he won’t scold me” he vaguely gestured at his outfit. Goshiki just then realized that Koganegawa was wearing a full running fit.

“See? I came prepared”

“Admirable. I’m almost flustered,” he smiled.

They started walking on the sidewalk in silence. Goshiki was trying to look anywhere but at Koganegawa.

But why? It’s not like he was mad. It just felt a little weird, to hang out with the person who beat you just a couple of hours after the actual match. He felt way too uptight.

“So, uh…” Koganegawa slowed down a little “I won’t brag about the victory. I’m not that much of an asshole”

Goshiki let out a soft snicker. Of course he wasn’t. It wasn’t his fault if he was feeling so dejected.

“I know. You played very well today. Dateko is stronger than I thought”

His expression almost lit up as he heard those words.

“I know, right?? Futakuchi’s been captain since last year, and Aone grew even more and he’s better than ever at blocking!! And I can’t believe how much stronger I became since the training camp. I mean… not to boast or anything, but have you seen how cool my setter dumps look now? First year me could never!”

Goshiki looked at him from the corner of his eye. The other boy was swinging his arms around happily, a soft blush on his cheeks as he was about to keep on talking.

“You’re not very good at hiding your excitement, Kogane”

Koganegawa halted on the spot, Goshiki doing it immediately after.

“… I know,” he admitted with a soft chuckle “sorry about that”

Goshiki sighed. It still felt a little weird, but how could he keep a frown with his best friend acting like this? He pushed aside that feeble gut feeling he had, ignoring it as best as he could, and stepped closer to Koganegawa.

“Don’t worry about that”

He started patting his head softly, not sure if he should’ve been going for a hug.

“I’m sure your team is very proud of you. And your dumps look pretty fucking cool, indeed”

Goshiki could almost see his eyes glowing.

“You really think so??” he asked, hopeful.

“Yeah. I do”

Koganegawa smiled widely. He opened his arms, trapping Goshiki in a (long awaited) hug, swinging left to right cheerfully. Goshiki finally took his hands out of his pockets, reciprocating the hug with just a little less intensity.

“Oh thank God, I thought you were mad at me”, Koganegawa exhaled loudly.

“Why would I? It’s not your fault we lost, after all. No, well, it technically is, but- oh, you get what I’m trying to say”

They both laughed.

“I won’t be able to see all of your next matches, because… eh, you know, school”

Koganegawa grimaced weirdly hearing that last word.

 _“He’s adorable”_ , he couldn’t help but think.

_“Shut up and finish the sentence”_

“But… I’ll do my best to come and see the final. Because,” he shushed Koganegawa before he could even talk “I know you’re going to get there. You better win, you hear me?”

Because he couldn’t win anymore, at the very least he wanted for Dateko to win. He’d feel way better knowing that the team who managed to beat Shiratorizawa ended up being the fortunate one to go to nationals. It was only fair.

Koganegawa’s expression shifted to a more serious one. He looked determined, like Goshiki noticed he always did while on the court.

“We’ll win the tournament, Tsu” he said.

“You better do,” he repeated once again.

They looked into each other’s eyes just a little longer.

And then, just then, did Goshiki’s small, idiotic brain realize just how odd that scene must’ve been looking from an outsider perspective. Because _dear God._ They’ve been embraced that whole entire time.

Two dudes, in the middle of the road, staring intensely at each other while saying very fond things to one another?

Oh, Goshiki was too tired for that shit.

He pulled away slowly, and sighed.

“PDA is really your thing, huh?”

“Damn, how did you guess??”

He couldn’t tell if the other boy was joking.

He shoved that annoying feeling just a little deeper down, as he started walking again. As long as Koganegawa kept talking, it didn’t matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic will end in 6 chapters or so. Brace yourself or something lol <3


	40. Final Match

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guess who disappeared again? Eheh....  
> To all the people still reading this thing: I swear I will finish this story. Shit has been really rough but I'll do my best and I'll keep writing  
> Just, please have a little more patience with me :)

After that day, the only thing that Goshiki could really do was watch the TV and learn for the following days how many matches Dateko managed to win. And they won them all. Since, of course, he couldn’t afford to use his mum as an uber driver and go meet with Koganegawa after every match, the latter decided that the best solution to the problem would’ve been phone calls; so, before dinner, Koganegawa would call him and rant and rant about the matches and all the cool moves he managed to pull off.

And Goshiki was proud of him, he really was… but the more he listened to the other boy, the more that feeling of uneasiness grew in his stomach. It was annoying, mortifying and most of all: stupid. He lost, and that should’ve been it; he should’ve been cheering for his best friend without feeling all the words heavy on his tongue.

But he couldn’t do it, and he hoped with every inch of his being that Koganegawa wouldn’t notice his slight change of behaviour just yet. He probably hadn’t till that moment, or else he would’ve confronted him about it. Right? That had to be it.

Eventually it would’ve gone away. He just needed to hold it in a little longer.

And just like that, the final day of the tournament came. The night before, Koganegawa kept him on the phone for two whole hours; and understandably so. Goshiki didn’t think he’d ever heard him so restless and excited.

“- and boom! Really, that toss was amazing! The ball landed _so_ well!! Why the hell didn’t they catch that on camera? It deserves to be exposed in a museum, or something. You should’ve seen it Tsu”

Goshiki sighed softly, half a smile printed on his face as he reheard that story for the nth time that day. He was at least grateful Koganegawa was doing all the talking, and maybe taking some stress and excitement out for the next day.

“I wish I did, for real” he snickered.

He eyed his restless leg, that apparently wasn’t planning on stopping bouncing up and down very soon. He was more agitated than ever; more than he’d been the past few days.

_“That’s stupid. It’ll go away soon. It’s going to be okay.”_

He listened to Koganegawa exhaling loudly on the other side of the phone.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at all, tonight” he announced. Goshiki could tell he was smiling.

“Why, talking for hours with me wasn’t enough? I’m offended, you know”

“Oh, shut it. You know why”

“Yeah. But you really should hang up soon, or else you’ll feel like shit tomorrow. I want to see you giving your best performance out there, you hear me?”

“You can count on me! The lads here can’t seem to stay still as well. Hold on, I think Onagawa is bullying Sakunami again-“

Goshiki heard a shifting sounds, then a muffled somewhat distant voice.

“Onagawa, for the love of God, could you not- oh, thank you Futakuchi”

For a brief moment, Goshiki thought in the back of his mind about how that was _definitely_ not how he recalled Dateko’s captain’s name to be. He shook away a shiver.

“Okay, sorry. See? They’re all restless” he chuckled, and all of a sudden his voice was just the tiniest bit deeper “But we’ll be fine. We blocked Karasuno before, and we will do that again. This time we will win”

Goshiki looked at his feet, and closed his eyes.

“You will. I’m sure. But now I really think you should go and get some rest, okay?”

“Mmh, I guess you’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Of course. Bye then”

He hung up, and groaned. He dropped himself on his bed, arms wide and looking at the ceiling. He wasn’t even slightly tired; he probably would’ve spent most of the night awake anyway.

_“What an hypocrite”_

Finally, the last day of the Spring High approached.

The last match was supposed to take place early in the afternoon; and for whatever divine providence shined upon Goshiki, that day he didn’t have practice after school. He could go.

But maybe it was more of a curse than a blessing.

“You ready?” his mum asked as he entered the car.

“Yeah.”

When he arrived, the place was more crowded than he’d ever seen it in the past days. But it was natural, considering a whole ass television crew was just transporting carefully their filming devices into the building.

Goshiki waved goodbye to his mother and ran inside. He secretly wished to see Koganegawa before the game started, but the crowd was moving altogether to the stands and at eventually he found himself sitting there, in one of the first rows; he had at least a clear vision of the court.

He shifted nervously on his seat, feeling somewhat even worse than the night before. Him and Koganegawa were supposed to meet up, just for a couple of minutes, after the match. Oh, Goshiki was terrified. How was he supposed to act if Dateko really ended up winning the tournament? Or even worse, what if they lost it?

He dozed again to reality as soon as a loud, sharp noise fended the air. He looked up: the teams were entering the court for the warmups. He easily spotted Koganegawa, looking around enthusiastically. That was probably his first time to ever receive so much attention from the media.

Goshiki stared at him as the other boy flapped his hands happily when he saw the filming crew. And God, on top of that all, he was adorable as always. Goshiki’s heart fluttered, and for a moment, just a brief moment he couldn’t feel the weight on his stomach anymore.

Koganegawa spotted him after a couple of warmup tosses. Goshiki noticed he’d been looking around the stands a lot, so he kept his gaze on him the whole time. When their eyes met, he was greeted by the widest of smiles, and a thumbs-up; he smiled as well and waved his hand slowly.

And just like that, the match begun. The loud cheers were making Goshiki flinch.

Karasuno was first to serve. Tanaka’s serve wasn’t anything special, and the ball easily flew on the other side of the net.

“Mine!” the libero yelled, and received it with ease sending it again in the air.

Goshiki’s eyes finally focused on _him_. Koganegawa ran to the ball, his eyes wandering around in an instant just like they did when Shiratorizawa was facing them on the court; he tossed to a guy with a buzzcut. The spike wasn’t too powerful, and as soon as his hand hit the ball, a two-men block made its way in front of the poor baldie.

The ball landed on Dateko’s side of the court with a suffocated noise, and immediately there were cheers all over the place; the drums on Karasuno’s side of the stands managed to make even more noise.

He distinctively heard a quiet yell, “Don’t mind! We’ll take the next point!”.

Both teams looked as determined as ever. Oh, that was going to be one long match.

Turns out, Goshiki was right. And… now he understood why Shiratorizawa lost, a couple of days beforehand. Hell, that didn’t even look like an high school match from an outsider perspective. Was that how they looked the year before, playing against the same team?

He briefly wondered that as he sat on the edge of his seat, body tense. He didn’t even know what he was hoping for to happen, at this point; the only thing he knew was that the match was about to end.

Dateko managed somehow to bring Karasuno to the fifth and last set. Everybody was suddenly silent, holding their breath. Heavy breaths and occasional yelling were the only things that made some noise, at that point.

And then Koganegawa tossed again. He looked to his right and then sent the ball to his left. A classic. And Karasuno noticed, but it was too late.

Futakuchi jumped. The ball hit his palm perfectly, and a sord sound echoed through the gym.

Then, yells and acclamations filled the place; Goshiki looked at the scoreboard. 16-14.

Dateko won.

And as he watched Karasuno fall on their knees, and Koganegawa lifting Futakuchi up with the brightest smile, he got up and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a damn plot point <3


	41. Anger and Fear

The air outside was surprisingly colder than Goshiki had expected.

But it’s not like that was the most pressing of his problems right now. He didn’t even know where he was headed to, nor did he know that area well enough to be sure not to get lost somewhere. Thank God he had had enough common sense to charge his phone before coming to see the final, so at least he was sure it wouldn’t run out of battery.

But he had turned it off anyways.

And in the back of his mind Goshiki knew. He knew that he was being way too dramatic and he was taking this way more seriously than he should’ve had, but he just couldn’t help it. And he wasn’t even mad at Koganegawa at this point, he was just mad at himself for feeling that rage of jealousy over the person that he considered his best friend.

And for what? It wasn’t his fault Shiratorizawa sucked ass that year.

And he was trying so hard to remind himself that the strongest team was the one with the strongest six players. They had told him so many times now; but then why? Why was he feeling so guilty in that moment?

This was stupid. Running away wouldn’t have solved anything. And yet there he was, doing that exact thing. How lame.

His thoughts drifted once again to Koganegawa – despite how hard he was trying not to think about him – and the urge to check his phone kicked in. But he restrained himself from doing it. He couldn’t, not now, not when the other boy was probably trying to call him or text him or whatever else.

He really, really didn’t mean to be this selfish.

But Koganegawa was probably with his teammates anyway now. He probably went around looking for him and when he couldn’t find him he got back to his team and they were now heading somewhere to celebrate. Then they would go gather their things and finally head back to their academy.

And what happened next? What was Goshiki going to do?

Was he planning to wait until Koganegawa would’ve texted him first and then play it off like nothing happened? Was he going to pretend everything was fine? Or even worse, was he going to lie about all of this?

The sole thought of purposefully hiding everything to Koganegawa made him sick to his stomach. Another wave of guilt washed over him as he kept wandering around the more or less crowded streets, mind too occupied to remember which way he came from.

He stopped in his track, hands in his pockets in a poorly made attempt to warm himself up a little bit. Not to be dramatic or anything, but he was really starting to think the weather wasn’t to blame for the embarrassing amount of shivers he was feeling.

He looked around. How long had he been walking? At this point he was still too afraid to check his phone.

_“Note to self: buy a fucking watch as soon as you can, thank you very much”_

He noticed a little bench a few steps away from where he was standing. Eh, better that than nothing; it’s not like he could’ve walked forever anyway.

Sitting down, he crouched on himself and dived his hands in between the strands of his bangs. He finally let out a small, inaudible, shaky sigh.

Maybe Goshiki was really a coward after all. Not that he needed any further evidence, but fuck. He just hit a new low of ridiculous.

He didn’t even know how long he remained just like that, hands in his hair and head low, sitting on a bench somewhere he didn’t know, wishing he could’ve just stayed like that forever because maybe that was better than facing the consequences of blowing that whole thing out of proportion like he just idiotically did.

But when he finally looked up, his phone was in his hands.

He turned it on, just to slowly process the amount of missed calls and unread texts he received in that period of time. Some of them (most of them, to be fair) from his mother; but no, that wasn’t his main priority right now.

He looked for the phone contact he knew by memory by now and pressed the button to call.

A ring, two rings, three rings. Then, “Goshiki?”

His heart sank.

“Kogane.”

He somehow managed to not let his voice waver, but now the silence between them was so heavy Goshiki felt like suffocating.

“Would you mind…” Koganegawa started, his voice scaringly toneless “telling me where the fuck are you?”

“I think…” Goshiki looked around.

Now that he gave a better look to his surroundings, he couldn’t help but notice a slight feeling of familiarity to the place.

“Where we hugged the day I lost to you,” he said.

Koganegawa hung up. Goshiki looked down at his lap, mentally preparing himself for what was about to come. He wasn’t going to stutter. He didn’t want to look as fragile as he was feeling, now; not in front of an upset Koganegawa. Not after he angered the person he loved oh so deeply.

And he waited for what felt like forever and even more, trying his best to not look around at any given second (and failing, because Goshiki was a man of weak willpower).

And then he spotted him.

Koganegawa was still wearing his team’s jacket, short shorts underneath it. Goshiki couldn’t help but notice how the other boy looked once again like he couldn’t feel the cold at all. He approached him from the side of the bench; Goshiki was looking down, Koganegawa looming over him.

“Goshiki” he repeated, for the second time that day.

“Could you please-“ Goshiki could see he was balling up his fists even though he wasn’t directly looking at him “- explain to me what the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing right now”

Goshiki tensed up. God, he didn’t think he had ever heard Koganegawa that angry. No, that wasn’t it: that was just the first time since they’ve known each other that Koganegawa got mad _at him_. And the implications of that were nonetheless terrifying.

“I was just… walking around…” he tried to say, but his shaky tone betrayed his real intentions.

“Oh no,” Koganegawa said, stomping closer “you are not going to get away playing dumb with me. I don’t buy it, not today”

There was another long, tense pause of silence.

“Do you have any idea of how fucking _worried_ you made me feel?”

Goshiki couldn’t spit out a word even if he tried.

“And you know where my teammates are right now?” he didn’t wait for a reply, and he added “They’re _celebrating_. Without me, because just like the fucking whipped idiot I am I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for the past two hours”

Goshiki’s head snapped up before he could even stop himself. His heart skipped a beat and he started wondering if his ears were right or if he was just hallucinating at that point.

“Goshiki, please” Koganegawa’s voice softened just enough to make it sound like a desperate whine “please tell me this is not what I think it is.”

Goshiki’s eyes suddenly welled with tears because _fuck._ That was exactly what he thought it was.

He felt a sob itching on the back of his throat and it took all of his strength to keep his mouth shut and not start to cry right there and then, in the middle of the road. He kept staring at Koganegawa, gulping. This time, he didn’t have a proper explanation for it.

Then, the other boy laughed. It sent chills down Goshiki’s spine.

“So you’re serious? That’s really it? You were really mad at me, after all”

Despite the giggling, Goshiki could see his eyes turning glassy and shiny.

“Wow, I… I thought our relationship was worth more than a high school volleyball match”

Goshiki took a deep breath, and forced himself to say something. _Anything._

“It is. Kogane, I-“

“Well it doesn’t seem like it, doesn’t it?”

Goshiki stood up and took a step closer to the other boy.

“I can’t believe-“ big tears started rolling down Koganegawa’s cheeks.

“I can’t believe I fell for someone like you.”

And there Goshiki stood, blurry eyes and heavy chest and looking at the boy he’s been liking for months and months, and hearing his voice so low and little was enough to take away every single trace of bravery he ever thought he had. He felt petrified.

“I thought you were better than this, Tsu” Koganegawa proceeded “and I thought… I thought I was something more to you, you know?”

Goshiki parted his lips but at this point it was already too late. Koganegawa turned his back at him, a sigh escaping as he started walking – no, jogging away.

He looked at him disappearing in the distance and fell back on his seat on the bench, pulling out his phone.

He didn’t even notice it was buzzing till now; he picked up the incoming call from his mother.

“Tsut-“

“You can come pick me up now,” he said, sending her the location after hanging up.

He turned and gazed at the spot where Koganegawa and him hugged the last time they saw each other. Finally, he felt the tears starting to fall on his cheeks. And he sobbed loudly, covering his face with his palm.

“God.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH I HOPE I MANAGED TO CAPTURE THE FEELING I WANTED TO PASS WELL ENOUGH


	42. Overexaggerating

“Tsutomu,” his mother said as she kicked her shoes off “can you please tell me what happ-“

“NO! Just, leave me alone alright?!”

He couldn’t have any of that right now. Not after he tried his best not to cry for the whole car ride just to fail halfway through and burst into tears without a warning.

But of course his mum was worried now. Goshiki had ignored her calls, ran off to nowhere and was now stomping angrily to his room. He shut the door close behind him and slid down against the wall.

He could hear noise from downstairs; a door closing, a loud sigh, and some feint steps around the house. Great, now Goshiki was feeling even worse. Putting his head in between his knees, he let out the nth sob of the day as he desperately reached for his pocket in hopes to find a tissue (spoiler: there was no tissue in there).

But he had a more urgent task now, one that had been pressing in the back of his mind asking just to be acknowledged because _fuck. Did Koganegawa just confess to him?_

And Goshiki really didn’t know if he wanted it to be true or not right now. Three hours ago? He would’ve been losing his goddamn mind over it out of joy. But now… He was starting to think that maybe, just maybe it would’ve been better if Koganegawa just kept his mouth shut.

Because shit, this hurt ten times more.

How was he supposed to feel about this now? Was this it? Was this the end?

It all felt like a big vortex of emotions that served nothing but to make Goshiki panic even more.

So the feeling wasn’t unrequired after all? Or maybe Koganegawa was just caught in the moment and confessed without meaning it – was this even a possibility? Looking down at his shaking hands, Goshiki thought he was just delirious at this point. His mind felt like a big, blurry haze.

Would things have gone differently if he could’ve just worked up the courage to speak up? And what was up with him anyway? Feeling the words caught up in his throat and not being able to sputter out a single one of them. In hindsight he had so many things to say, and yet…

How lame. Maybe he deserved this. Or did he? Chocking in another loud sigh, Goshiki felt the crying feeble down a little bit. Still, he wondered how long was he going to do this before calming the fuck down already.

He wiped his tears with a sleeve. Koganegawa now was probably thinking that his feelings were unrequired. The thing that broke Goshiki’s heart the most, was that the other boy probably thought that he saw him only as a rival; that volleyball was more important for him.

But it was never about volleyball. It was about him, and the sheer jealousy just caught Goshiki off guard because… he wasn’t used to lose like this. He was part of a powerhouse, all the matches were won with ease. And now he was suddenly thrown on the losers’ side, and it’s not like he hadn’t been there before, but this time it hit differently. It wasn’t the final. It wasn’t a 5 sets match. It was a normal match, against a fairly normal team, or so he thought.

Shit was so confusing.

As all of that was running through his head at an ungodly speed, he suddenly heard muffled footsteps coming from the other side of the door he was leaning on. Finally, he regained some sense of reality as the person on the other side knocked softly.

“Tsutomu?”

He didn’t reply. Instead, he sniffled loudly.

“Can I come in please?”

“I don’t need you to baby me.” he sputtered out. He didn’t care to come off as rude now.

His mother sighed. “I’m not babying you, Tsu, I just want to talk. You’re making me worry”

Goshiki evaluated the possibility for a moment, then stood up on his feet – slowly, and not without feeling dizzy – and opened the door. He owed his mum an explanation. That was the least he could do for her.

She entered the room as Goshiki stepped aside to let her in, and she sat on the bed. There was a thick layer of awkwardness surrounding them now, and Goshiki did not like that at all. He briefly wondered if his mum felt it as well.

“So…” she broke the short silence “do you want to tell me what happened?”

Her voice was just above a whisper.

“I’m…” he thought about the right words to use.

“I’m a fucking idiot”, he decided.

“I’m assuming something happened between you and Koganegawa”

Goshiki flinched.

“I always ruin everything, that’s what happened. I do stupid shit and act like a baby and I think I might’ve just lost the first real friend I’ve ever had”

His mum opened her mouth to say something, but he cut her short.

“And he likes me back, apparently. Great, isn’t it?”

Silence occupied the space around them as Goshiki tried to look everywhere but at her. He felt her heavy gaze on him.

“You should call him. Apologize for whatever you did. Don’t let a stupid argument ruin this for you. Not after all those months- I don’t care about the details” she said as he was about to protest, “neither of you deserve to end like this if he really likes you back”

Goshiki felt the tears rolling down his cheeks again (he didn’t even notice they stopped) and looked down at his feet.

He felt a hand reaching up to ruffle his har softly, and looked down at his mum wearing a condescending smile on her face.

“I think you’re overexaggerating, Tsu. Kanji is a sweet boy. He’ll forgive you without a second thought if you explain him the situation, I’m sure”

She walked out of the door.

His phone was still in his pocket. Goshiki took it and walked towards the bed, plopping down on it and feeling more sore and tired than ever. He looked for Koganegawa’s contact.

**Kogane <3<3**

His finger hung in mid-air, Goshiki stared at the call button more than he should have had. He turned off his phone and ultimately went to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! A somewhat short chapter that I've been wanting to write and that's definitely not because I'm lacking of understanding parental figures :)  
> Anyways hope you enjoy <3


	43. Fed Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's been a while,,, sorry for taking so long with updates, I've been going through some shit and even tho this fic is still my comfort place I need a lot of energy to write those chapters eheh  
> Anyway here's a somewhat longer chapter than usual as an apology

Practice was sad those days. After their loss at the tournament, the general motivation of the team was going downhill faster than they would’ve liked to admit. Seeing the first years so disappointed and the third years so mortified, made Goshiki feel even more out of place.

But you know what was even sadder? The fact that Goshiki still couldn’t work up the courage to apologize to Koganegawa.

Numerous times he had found himself staring at the call button, but he simply chickened out every time. He… didn’t really know what to say.

It’s not like he had an excuse; so he simply needed to apologize. The worst thing that could’ve happened was… well, Koganegawa not accepting his apology. And in all honesty, it was terrifying. Goshiki felt like he still had a chance now, at least.

_“But still… the more I wait, the more unlikely it’ll be for him to forgive me, right? What if he’s waiting for me to do something? And- oh God, what if-“_

“Goshiki, look out-!”

Goshiki didn’t even have time to snap back into reality, that a flash of blue and yellow hit him right in the middle of his eyes. He faltered for a moment, before falling ungracefully backwards right on his ass; a ball bounced up and down beside him.

He blinked a couple of times, and finally processed the strong and sharp pain in between his eyebrows.

“Ow…” he said, bringing a hand to his nose. That was going to leave a bad bruise.

“Goshiki! Are you okay?” Akakura rushed beside him, sticking out a hand that Goshiki gratefully took.

“Yeah, I- sorry…” he mumbled.

The rest of the team slowly gathered around him, uncertain and a little confused. Except Shirabu of course; that fucker was probably grinning in a corner somewhere.

He got up to his feet, feeling just a little dizzy, before hearing another voice coming from the other side of the gym.

“GOSHIKI!” coach Washijou’s loud yell echoed through the whole place, his stomping on the ground getting loud and clear as he got closer. Oh, bad news.

“MIND TELLING ME WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOU TODAY? HUH?”

The coach’s face was even more wrinkly and scrunched up than usual (which was a pretty terrifying sight). And Goshiki was about to open his mouth and reply – probably coming up with the first shitty excuse he could think of – but he was cut off by another yell.

“YOU’VE BEEN ACTING LIKE THIS ALL DAY! I AM SICK OF SEEING YOU LIKE THIS. GO AND DO ME TWENTY RUNNING LAPS”

“But-“

“NOW!”

Goshiki closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, as everybody on the team quietly returned to their training and offering him a look of apprehension.

And oh boy, twenty laps sure were a lot. So much so that when practice ended, he basically dragged himself to the changing room and plopped down on the bench. He allowed himself a couple of minutes to relax.

But of course, that couldn’t last.

“Okay, now it’s the part where you tell me what’s going on and we magically solve your problems together just like a team”

Goshiki turned to the entrance of the locker room, a cocky Shirabu leaning on the door. There were only the two of them now; he sighed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

“Oh, you know it damn well”

Shirabu closed the door behind him and waked closer, stopping right in front of Goshiki as he was putting all of his stuff in his bag. He didn’t want to talk about it now. He was tired, angry, and he wasn’t in the mood of embarrassing himself any further.

The other boy had other plans in mind, though.

“Not to make assumptions or anything, but-“

“Don’t say it” he begged.

“- it has to do with Angry Bird boy, am I right?”

Goshiki fell quiet, and finally zipped his bag closed. He looked up and locked eyes with Shirabu.

“Look, I don’t want to force you to talk” he proceeded “but you’re so blatantly obvious it hurts”

“You don’t have to rub it into my face like this, you know?”

“Goshiki, seeing you so restless is almost making me nervous too”

Goshiki sighed loudly once again, and lowered his gaze.

Maybe telling Shirabu the truth wasn’t an utterly bad idea, after all. He could really use a little advice right now. Oh, he was going to regret that.

But he needed to remember himself who he was doing all of this for.

“It has to do with Koganegawa, yeah” he admitted bitterly. Shirabu gave him a small nod.

“And I’m just a huge, enormous, gigantic fucking idiot-“

“Woah, woah, slow down… is it that bad?”

Goshiki bit his lower lip.

“We got into a fight and he- he confessed to me? And kind of ran away immediately after… and I’m too much of a coward to call him and apologize and-“

“Oh my God. You’re not kidding, aren’t you?”

Goshiki looked at him with ashamed eyes.

“I- you-“ he went silent for a handful of seconds, his mouth slightly open, trying to process the load of information.

“Meet me at the front gates after you shower after practice tomorrow”, he suddenly stated out of the blue.

And before Goshiki could even try and argue this decision, Shirabu walked out of the room, leaving him in his confusion.

And just like that, there he was, the next day, walking towards a nicely dressed Shirabu with many questions in mind.

As soon as he got beside the other boy, the latter started walking. Not even a greeting? Rude. And even though Goshiki was reluctant to follow him just like that, it’s not like he had that much of a choice.

“Wait, Shirabu” he said, catching up in a moment “Will you tell me where are we going now?”

“You know that nice place at the mall? The one where we went last time? Yeah, we’re going there”

Goshiki froze on the spot for a moment, but immediately got a hold of himself (the other boy sure did walk pretty fucking fast for someone as short as him). But… why there? Whatever Shirabu was planning to do, it really didn’t sound appealing in any way. If only he could stop being so mysterious and tell Goshiki his true intentions already.

“Hurry up, we don’t have much time”

The coffee shop at the mall was… one of Goshiki’s happy places. Pretty basic, yeah, but it’s not like he could help it. It brought back good memories and he surprisingly ended up finding himself actually enjoying the strong coffee scent in the air – not the taste though. Coffee still tasted like crap.

So when he walked through the little entrance, a sudden feeling of comfort made him relax his shoulders just the tiniest bit. For a moment, he felt like he could calm himself down and actually somewhat enjoy this little trip he was having with Shirabu.

That moment did not last long, as a bright, red shaved head immediately caught Goshiki’s eye; and just like that, Tendou started waving in their direction, a big and bright smile on their face, while a grinning Semi was sitting right beside them with a large drink in his hand.

Goshiki looked over to Shirabu, his gaze desperate, but the boy didn’t even flinch. He calmly walked over to their seniors and took a seat, leaving him standing there like an idiot.

Life was just being a bitch at this point.

“Goshiki! Long time no see!” Semi smiled brightly “Are you just going to stand there or…?”

Goshiki started moving towards the table and dropped himself on a chair.

“What are you doing there.” he said, running a hand through his hair.

“Oh, I’m glad you asked!” Tendou clapped their hands together “Shirabu here texted me yesterday and told me you needed some help”

“I never said I needed help!” Goshiki shot an offended glance to the latter, who just shrugged.

“And he told me you were looking for some relationship advices!” Goshiki was about to protest again, but Tendou was quicker “And since neither me nor him know shit about romance, here comes our dear saviour: Semi-Semi!”

Semi assumed a glorious stance and put a proud expression on his face, his hands resting on his hips.

“I’ve been in two relationships so far!”

Goshiki sunk into the table. All he wanted right now was to get up and walk to his dorm room and curl into a ball and never talk to anyone again – perhaps a little drastic, but still.

Then, Shirabu finally spoke up.

“Do you mind telling them what you told me yesterday?”

And as much as he was trying to keep his cool, Goshiki was still a sad and angsty teenager who just ran twenty laps and has had an inconsistent sleep schedule for the past week. He couldn’t handle any more shit at this point.

He felt a wave of anger washing over him.

“I really don’t know what’s up with all of you” he started, trying not to raise his voice too much “But I’m just- I’m so fed up-!”

He slammed his fist on the table, maybe a little harder than he should’ve had.

“I’m fed up of being in this situation and I’m fed up of dealing with all of you and I’m so fucking sick of fucking shit up and acting like this all the time-“ he suddenly felt his eyes wet, but he couldn’t care less.

“And I’m sick of being a coward and of being a disappointment and of needing other people’s help all the fucking time! And I’m sick of thinking I can handle things by myself because I clearly don’t and I end up only worsening things-“ a big sob escaped his lips “And I’m just… so fucking sick of being myself…”

He covered his eyes and let out a shaky sigh, trying to keep the tears from falling any longer (and failing).

Everybody around him fell silent. For a couple of moments, there was just a terrifying nothing.

Then, he suddenly felt an uncertain hand wrapping around his waist and rubbing his side slowly.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Tsutomu. I didn’t want to make you upset” Shirabu spoke quietly.

Goshiki’s anger was immediately replaced by guilt. They were here to help him, after all, and he just yelled at them out of nowhere.

“No, I just- I didn’t mean to snap like that at y-“

“I think,” this time it was Semi who cut him off “that this situation is definitely making you way more stressed than you think, Goshiki” he paused, and exhaled loudly.

“Listen, I know it might be hard for you, but you’re the only one who has the power to make up for your actions. And I know you can. I don’t really know what happened, but I bet you already know what you have to do about this.”

“I bet Koganegawa is waiting for you,” Shirabu added.

“You could buy him flowers as an apology!” Tendou helpfully supplied.

Goshiki let out a muffled scoff.

“I think…” he said under his breath.

Flowers, huh? He could work with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will end in 2 chapters I'm not ready


	44. Lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... hey. Long time no see.  
> It's almost been a month, God, I'm sorry about that,, have mercy on me lol I'm struggling  
> I hope the chapter slightly longer than usual will make up for that :)

Eventually, it was time to go.

Goshiki ended up apologizing profusely for the rest of their lovely meeting, even after all of them reassured him that he didn’t need to do that, and they understood. That didn’t make him feel less ungrateful, but it was a start.

Tendou and Semi were the first ones to leave, apparently because they needed to fulfil their ‘adult duties’ (whatever that was supposed to mean). As they got up from their respective chairs, Goshiki couldn’t help but notice – for the first time that day – their pretty outfits.

“Oh, you gained some sense of style. It was about time”, commented Shirabu as he looked down on the two of them. Goshiki held in a snicker. Tendou gasped outragedly, swooshing their pretty red skirt.

“Hey, I always had a sense of style! It’s called being in the closet, you little brat” they replied pouting.

“Oh? You too, Semi?”

“Nah, I’m just going through my late emo phase”, he said pointing at his ripped jeans and his furry leather jacket.

“We’re going to go now”, said Tendou smiling and ruffling aggressively Shirabu’s hair. The latter scoffed.

They both waved their goodbyes, leaving Shirabu and Goshiki alone once again.

“That was hilarious, let’s do it again” said the other boy while keeping his usual resting bitch face.

“Oh, shut up mister ‘I didn’t want to make you upset, Tsutomu’” he mimicked in an high-pitched voice. Shirabu gave him the finger.

There were a couple moments of silence.

Then, “So… when are you going to do it?”

Goshiki exhaled loudly, looking down at his hands. They were trembling. He had the power to choose, which was not something he was really enthusiastic about; so it’s not like there were really lots of options. It was tomorrow or never, to be fair, because he knew himself well enough to realize that procrastinating it would’ve only led to overthink it and that was never good. He didn’t want to fuck this up yet again.

“Tomorrow”, he replied quietly.

Shirabu hummed.

“Okay. Tell me if you need anything, then. It’s not like I’ve got many things to do anyway”

Goshiki appreciated it; but needless to say, he did not sleep well that night.

The day after, school felt like it was never going to end. The time passed so slow, and Goshiki’s restlessness did not help at all, especially after tossing and turning all night; he kept looking around, picking at his fingers, checking the time. What was he going to say? How was he going to act?

_“Or worse, what if Kogane doesn’t want this?”_

He immediately squeezed his eyes shut. No, he was not going to overthink this: he wouldn’t allow himself to do it. Not this time.

 _“For him,”_ he kept repeating himself. _“I can do i-“_

“Goshiki? Are you okay?”

Goshiki suddenly widened his eyes, as the whole class turned around and stared, the teacher waiting for an answer. He gulped.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m just… uh, a little tired”

After hours, the last bell finally rang. He really had to choose out of all days the one where school finished late, huh?

Goshiki got up at record speed, gathered all of his things and speed-walked (well, ran) to his dorm.

He knew what he had to do: first off, looking presentable. Not that hard, right?

He hopped in the shower, not even bothering to check the temperature and regretting it right after; got out, combed his hair, put on a decent shirt. As he placed back in the closet the over the top button-up that was definitely not something appropriate to wear for that occasion, he desperately tried to remind himself to not go too far with preparations. It was just an apology.

And, well, a confession. But before that, an apology.

Walking back and forth around his dorm room in distress, he finally gathered all the stuff he needed, put on a pair of shoes, and he was ready to go.

As he exited his dorm, he quickly headed to the gates; he was kind of very much supposed to have practice that day, and that was definitely something he shouldn’t have been doing. The first time he stepped in the Shiratorizawa gym, he promised himself he would never skip a practice day unless he was either sick or having a very important problem urging to be addressed. And, well, this situation could be included in the second option.

Still, he had to ask Shirabu to cover for him. It’s not like he was really allowed to do that, so he needed a little bit of help from the team captain. Nothing too tangled, Shirabu was simply going to tell coach Washijou that Goshiki had had a little problem at home and therefore he had to skip practice that day. Nothing more than a little white lie. He took a deep breath, finally reached the gates and quickly walked out.

Now, flowers.

Goshiki truly, wholeheartedly hoped he wasn’t being too extra with this one step. It was cliché, kind of cringey and maybe way too sappy for an apology; but he wanted to do things right, to show he really cared and he was _not_ going to pass the opportunity to confess back now that he knew how Koganegawa was feeling.

He squeezed his brains out trying to remember the way to the little flower shop near the mall. It wasn’t a particularly long walk, but it felt like forever. He finally spotted it in the distance.

While entering the shop, the not-so-faint smell of all kinds of flowers filled his nostrils and made him tense up immediately: yeah, he came in to buy flowers. But it’s not like he’s been thinking about which kind of flowers he was going for.

_“I think there’s a kind of flower that’s like, used for apologies? Maybe the tulip… or- no, it definitely wasn’t the tulip… orchids, perhaps? Or maybe-“_

A big, bright glimpse of something yellow from the corner of his eye captured his attention. Goshiki turned around, just to be faced by a pretty bouquet full of beautiful yellow roses.

_“… Roses? Seriously?”_

He sighed, as he walked out of the little shop with a singular, big rose in his hand. It reminded him of Koganegawa.

Great, he completed most of the tasks. The last thing left to do was… _actually_ face Koganegawa.

The difficult part.

Goshiki knew he promised himself over and over not to overthink more than necessary what he was going to say, but it’s not like he could’ve just gone in spilling nonsense. And- oh, what if he completely shut down in front of Koganegawa and messed up once again? He couldn’t allow that. He knew he just needed to speak open heartedly… then why was it so difficult? He’s always been good with putting his thoughts into words, until now.

But it’s not like he hadn’t reflected on what he had been feeling. He knew now why he felt the way he felt, why he acted the way he acted, why he fucked up like that. And as much as he wished he could’ve just forgotten his shameful actions, that was not an option. He needed to be transparent, now.

His relationship with volleyball had always been so complicated.

He was finally willing to work on that. He was willing to work on everything and anything, as long as Koganegawa accepted his words.

Maybe he was being a bit too dramatic, but he didn’t really know any other ways to put it.

And as if that wasn’t enough, his stupid, teenage boy’s brain wouldn’t shut the fuck up on all the dumb, embarrassing scenarios that had been popping up in his head. He’d been trying to focus on the apology part, but… he’s been pining for so long. It still felt like an unreachable dream, somehow.

Maybe all the embarrassing stuff he went through, all the heart aches, maybe they weren’t for nothing.

He really, really hoped so.

Before he knew it, he was entering Koganegawa’s street. He knew the way there by heart, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t try to walk slower to gain some time.

By the time he was in front of Koganegawa’s door, his hands were shaking. He felt a weight in his stomach, a knot in his throat, and as he eyed the doorbell his arms suddenly felt incredibly heavy.

 _“I just need to ring”_ , he told himself.

_“It’s not that hard”_

He took a deep, deep breath, and shut his eyes closed. He gripped onto the rose in his hands, and finally pictured Koganegawa in his head. A small, vapid step. For him.

He opened his eyes and quickly reached out to ring the bell before his sudden burst of bravery could vanish. Goshiki gulped hard, waiting, as he shoved the flower behind his back for good measure. Then, the doorknob turned, and the door opened slightly.

“Tsutomu…?”

Koganegawa’s mother was standing in front of him, mouth slightly agape and a very confused expression on her face. Goshiki gave her a weak, nervous smile.

“Hey…” he said then. Her face slightly dropped, making her look a bit more grave then before, almost apologetic.

“Okay, listen… I think I know why you’re here, Tsutomu” she paused.

“But I’m afraid I can’t let you in right now”

“What? Why?”

“Kanji just came back from practice and… I don’t think he wants to see you right now. I’m sorry”

She turned around and she was about to close the door, but Goshiki couldn’t allow that. Not now.

“Wait!” he almost yelled, his voice filled with urgency; as he was hoping for, Koganegawa’s mother stopped in her track, and opened the door again. Goshiki slowly pulled out the rose from behind his back.

“I need to talk to him” he pleaded.

“Please.”

She looked hesitant, as if she was about to open her mouth and protest again, but then her gaze landed upon his flower. She sighed.

“Come in. He’s in his room”

Goshiki rushed to the door, and entered the house in a hurry, not even bothering to take off his shoes (he would’ve needed to apologize for that, later). He walked to Koganegawa’s room, and maybe it was the rush, but he almost felt like all the hesitancy he was holding a moment ago just completely went away. Maybe it was the faint orangey light flooding the small hallway, or maybe it was the warmth he felt against his skin the moment he entered the house, but he felt almost ready.

He got to the door, grabbed the handle, and threw it open.

They locked eyes.

Koganegawa was standing there, his gym bag still in his hand, the warm light enlightening his bleached hair.

“What…” he whispered, eyes wide. Goshiki finally recovered from the initial shock. He closed the door behind him.

“I would quit volleyball everyday for you” he said firmly.

Koganegawa kept staring in disbelief.

“Volleyball means so much to me”, he continued “But I just… I can’t. I can’t let it affect my life so negatively like this. It isn’t worth it. And I want it to be worth it”

The other boy finally relaxed his shoulders, dropped the bag on the bed, and took a step closer. Goshiki did the same.

“I’ve been dumb. I’ve acted out, I was… I was disappointed, okay? Apparently my ego was so fragile I couldn’t even face you properly and tell you this. But I’m willing to work on that”

“Tsu…”

“I don’t know what got into me. I was mortified, sad, tired, and like a perfect idiot I fell into that damn rabbit hole of self-deprecation and I- I think it got way too far”

Koganegawa then exhaled loudly, sitting down on the bed. He brought a hand to his face. Goshiki gulped, feeling a wave of insecurity coming. He shoved it down and pressed himself to keep going.

“What I’m trying to say is…” he walked over to where Koganegawa was sitting, kneeling down in front of him to take his shoulders and squeeze them lightly. Koganegawa kept his eyes closed.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made such a big deal out of it. I’m sorry I made you feel the way I did. I’m sorry. For everything”

He hesitantly lifted his hand, and cupped Koganegawa’s cheek. He was half-expecting for the other boy to brush it away, but he didn’t. Instead he kept it there, leaned onto it, and sighed again. There were a couple of long, painful moments filled with nothing but silence.

Then, Koganegawa smiled tiredly, and patted the spot beside him on the bed.

“Come here. This looks like a marriage proposal”

Goshiki did as he was told, stiffly getting up and sitting down again still waiting for a reply. It didn’t take long to come.

“I shouldn’t forgive you this early, you know? I should hold a grudge for a few more days. You know, making you stress over this a little bit more”

Goshiki smiled.

“But?”

“But,” Koganegawa continued “I won’t. Of course I won’t, you dumb idiot”

Goshiki finally remembered to breathe, and exhaled a breath he didn’t even know he was holding until now. He relaxed his shoulders and unclenched his jaw, and with his mind a little more blank than it should’ve been he threw his arms around the other boy’s shoulders, holding tight. He felt a pair of hands wrapping around his sides, and he inhaled deeply into the crook of Koganegawa’s neck.

“You smell like sweat”, he laughed.

“Shut up before I change my mind, will you?”

It felt like a big weight was off his chest now. Finally.

They slowly broke the hug a couple of seconds later, Koganegawa finally eyeing the yellow rose. He slowly took it in his hands and examined it softly.

“A flower? So this is really a proposal after all, huh?”

Oh, yeah. Goshiki forgot the other part. You know, the confession part. He felt his cheeks light up.

And he wasn’t even thinking anymore at this point, probably, because his first instinct for some reason was to grab Koganegawa’s face and clumsily peck his lips in that damn, long awaited stupid kiss.

And it lasted way too shortly, and it was way too rushed, and still the butterflies in his stomach went crazy. Goshiki gasped.

“… What was that?”, Koganegawa laughed feebly, and Goshiki could’ve sworn his eyes were glassier than usual.

“… I love you too”, he replied, desperately trying not to let his voice crack (and failing).

This time, the silence was almost comforting. The other boy moved slowly, reaching out and cupping his face like he did just a while before, with both hands.

“You do?”

It was barely more than a whisper at this point. Goshiki hummed, staring at his lips.

“Okay”, he said softly.

This time, they met halfway through.

Another kiss, way less rushed than their first, somehow sloppier and sappier and so, so cliché, and it had no right to feel that nice. No right at all.

Goshiki broke the kiss calmly, and smiled against Koganegawa’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 44 CHAPTERS FOR THIS GOSH I HOPE I DIDN'T DISAPPOINT  
> I've been wanting to write this since semptember  
> SEE YOU IN THE LAST CHAPTER THO <3<3


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